Ramblings from a sleep deprived state

It's 4:30 a.m. and I can't sleep.  I think the stress of my life has finally caught up to me.  I have spent most of the night praying and telling God my problems.  The Bible says that catches my tears (Psalm 56:8).  He must have barrels and barrels of mine.  I have faith in His word and I know that He is holding me right now, but I still feel very alone.

This post may not be the most uplifting post you read from me, but my blog is my therapy in many ways.    This post will be very personal about the pain I'm going through right now. I'm hoping that maybe through my pain, I can minister to others and let others now that they are not alone in their pain.  If you are offended by it, I apologize, but these are my personal feelings.  No offense was intended, rather, it's important for me to express how the actions of others can effect a person or people for a lifetime.  So, here is the brutal truth.

I feel very, very ALONE.

After Dave left, many people supported me.  After my dad died, people were right there.  Now, it has been almost two years and my life has continued to get more and more stressful and I still am trying to raise two little boys by myself with no help.  My heart aches for my children.  They deserve so much more than this life, but at the same time, I am trying to give them the most love I can give and the best life possible.  However, trying to do this alone is very draining.  I feel like I'm on empty right now. I'm sooo tired.  I often feel like I don't have much left to give them.  It's amazing, though that when I am in that state of feeling like I have nothing left, God provides me with that love, that patience and the full heart to help them get through the problems that they face.  Still, being a single parent is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

I feel very, very alone.

I have a house that I'm still paying for that is jointly owned by myself and my ex.  It needs to be sold now but because of circumstances, I can't sell it.  I'm paying for everything there and paying for all of the utilities of the house I'm in.  The money only goes so far.

I fell very, very alone

I am an only child, so I have no siblings.  My mom and dad are both gone.  They were the best parents in the world and I need them now more than anything, but they are not here.  I'm so sad that Danny will never remember them and Joey's memories are fading every day.

I feel very, very alone.

I'm raising two kids with special needs.  One child has a sleep disorder and is up most night for several hours.  I'm usually up with him.  Sleep deprivation is not a good thing, for either of us.  The same child is struggling in school and I'm having to fight to get him the services he needs... by myself.

I feel very, very alone.

Several times this summer, I have had well-intentioned people imply that I am not a good mother, not a good Christian.  You can only hear that so much before you start to believe it. You can only be gossiped about so long before you start not to trust others. Each person that spoke to me or gossiped about me was unaware of other things that had been said or the damage they were doing to my spirit.  Each person that spoke to me had a very small piece of the picture, but not the whole picture.  Each person that pushed me a little bit further and further away didn't realize the chaos and devastation they were causing in my life.  After I was gossiped about and was criticized, I was rejected until I had no other choice but to separate myself from those causing my pain.  When people found out I left, many assumed I was the one doing the rejecting, when actually, again they didn't have the whole picture.  I chose to separate myself from those that were crushing my spirit.  This left me alone, but sometimes it's better to be alone with God than those who are cruel and who cause devastating pain.

I feel very, very alone.

My pain is great and I have never felt so alone on this earth as I do right now.  I have found in my life that it is when I'm at these points that God does His greatest work in changing me and working in me.  I encourage each of you to look around you.  Look for those people who are in pain and reach out your hands to them.  Do not judge them or gossip about them, but rather, love them by your words and actions.  Help them in the practical ways even if they don't ask for that help.  This is true love and ministry.  When you perceive that someone has fallen, don't judge and reject, but find out why.  Don't walk away in silence.  Help them, don't shut them out.  Shutting them out just pushes them further and further away.

I praise God for my true friends that continue to support and stand by me.  Thank you for all you do. I do recognize the important part you have in my life.  May God bless you for your love towards me and my boys.  When you support me, you make me feel less and less alone.  Please keep hanging in there with me.  I'm sorry if I'm acting pathetic right now.

If you are where I am right now, in a place of great pain, I am so sorry.  I will pray that someone reaches out to you where you are.  Sometimes it is simply to difficult to reach those hands up when they are so burdened.  The weight of pain is extreme.  Somedays you literally feel like you cannot breathe, you can't move.  I understand that all too well.

So if you are at a place in your life right now where you are relatively content, please look around.  Bless someone around you that maybe in the place of feeling alone.

I still feel very alone, but I have faith that this will not always be the case.  When I am on the other side and out of this place of pain, I know the Lord will have changed me and will give me clear vision and will help me relate to the feelings of those in a place of pain.  This will make it easier to minister to those around me.  There is a reason for this pain and this feeling of being alone.  I look forward to the day when I can bless someone else who is feeling what I am feeling now.  God will use this.  I have faith in Him and how He works.  My life is far from perfect, but I know that He has a plan for me and that every trial I go through equips me so he can use me.  I'm looking forward to that day when the questions I have about why I'm going through these trials will be answered.

"For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning."  Psalm 30:5 

Pain

I had a conversation with a friend tonight about pain, specifically emotional pain.  When we are in pain, we often get very self-centered. We feel that our pain is worse than anyone else's.  No matter what we've gone through, we feel it is the worse possible situation that anyone could go through and that no one else in the world could possibly understand what we've gone or are going through.  We deserve to have everyone look at us and say,"I'm so sorry.  I'm sure no one has ever been through anything as horrible as you've gone through."

We expect for people to read our minds and not to mention anything that causes us pain, no matter how innocent the comment is.  Sometimes people can be truly insensitive, but most times, people don't even realize they are causing you pain.  They may say something innocently and it goes right to your heart and stays there like a dart on a dartboard.

Recently, I've gone through a period of being down in the dumps again.  My losses over the past two years have been extreme and I continue to face loss.  Sometimes it really, really hurts.  I have people in my life that have thought the were being helpful and they've only served to cause me more pain.  Then I was reminded by my friend of what I posted a few weeks ago.  In this post, I realized that when I feel this way, I am focusing on myself.  That is exactly what I'm doing.  I am again wallowing in self pity.

So, I am going to shake myself by the shoulders, slap myself upside the head and put on my big girl panties and buck up.

Then I'm going to remember that there are others out there that are going through more pain than myself. I will pray for those people tonight and ask God to not only take away the pain in my heart, but the pain in theirs as well.

Lastly, I will thank God for Jesus.  He went through more pain on the cross and the events that led up to the cross than I can even fathom.  It says in the Bible,


 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”  ~Matthew 11:28-30


So, tonight I will lay my burden down at the feet of Jesus.  I will not try to bear these burdens on my own.  He will carry me through.


If you are going through emotional pain tonight, please realize two things.  The first is that your pain is very real.  It feels like the worst thing you could possibly go through.  Second, there are other people in the world that are going through something worse than you are.  I only say this because it will help you to put your pain into perspective.  Look for how you can help and encourage those people.  I promise you that it will make you feel better and will change your perspective on your pain.  Look for opportunities to volunteer or to do something that will bless others.  In return, you will be surprised at the fact that YOU will be the one who will receive the blessings.


Last, turn to God to help you carry your burdens.  If you don't have a personal relationship with God, email me at teachflute@yahoo.com and ask me.  I will pray for you and tell you how you can start a relationship with the God of all creation.  If he can make a tree, place the stars in the sky or paint amazing sunsets, He can carry your load.  He wants to be there for you just like a parent wants to be there for his/her child.  

Color Blind

My children are black. I am white. Yes, they were adopted at birth. Yes, I love them as fiercely as if I had given birth to them myself. I often don't even think about the amount of pigment they have in their skin.  Moms of boys; do you think that your boys have more testosterone than you have? On most days, probably not; they are simply your kids. Tall dads, do you think about how much taller you are than your daughters? On most days, probably not. Why should parenting a child of a different race be so different?

I ask this because I had a conversation another adoptive mom today. We discussed how our multiracial families often get stares and sometimes even rude comments about how our children came to be with us. I actually had someone ask me once where I bought my child from. I'm sarcastic enough that I answered "Walmart, they carry everything". I knew that was sarcastic but I'm sure at the other answer I wanted to give would have been even less appropriate.

To be honest, I often don't even think about the fact that my children are a different race than myself.   I am the minority in my family. My immediate family is 2/3 black and 1/3 white. In reality, our family was created by God. He is also color blind. He loves us all the same no matter if we are black or white, male or female, tall or short, young or old. True love is blind to the things that do not matter. My prayer is that I can be a model of true love to my children. I hope they grow up to recognize that even though we may be different on the outside, we are all human beings on the inside that are loved by the same God. If He can love us with an unconditional love, who are we to think we can pass judgement on others just because they may look different than us? Praise God for his unconditional love for us.

Touched by an angel

The show touched by an angel was very popular several years ago. It was loosely based on the Bible verse:

"Do not neglect to show hospitality to strangers, for by this some have entertained angels without knowing it." ~Hebrews 13:2


Every now and then, someone will enter my life for a brief moment and make an impact that will last a lifetime. This happened to me on our recent camping trip to Acadia National Park.  My aunt, my two sons and I went camping and decided to go on some adventures.  One of our first adventures was to climb Champlain Mountain.  Last year we climbed Gorham Mountain, and this isn't much of a different climb, so I knew the boys could do it.   I knew if we took frequent breaks we would eventually make it to the top.


About half way up, we stopped to take a water/snack break and on the path I spotted a family.  A mom, dad and three kids.  the two youngest kids were about Danny and Joey's ages and the oldest was probably 9 and had cerebral palsy.  The boy was in a modified jogging stroller and the father was pushing the stroller up over boulders to climb this mountain.  The mother was guiding the stroller along various fellow hikers who could see he needed help jumped in here and there. The mother and I made small talk about how beautiful the weather was and how nice of a hike this was. She then told me that the thing she loved the most was that her family was doing this together.  They ended up beating us up to the top of the mountain and I took their picture, all five of them, at the summit.


When most people are faced with adversity, we take it in stride, doing the best we can.  This family not only faced adversity in stride, but they are excelling.  They refuse to let a mountain stand in the way of a family hike.  I'm sure they live their lives pushing through trials and experiencing life to the fullest.


That's what I want to do!  I don't want to simply get through the trials, I want to use them to push me to be a better person.  Trials are a part of life.  Do I approach them by simply driving by the mountain thinking it would be too difficult to climb it or do I say to myself, "Hey, the view at the top will be worth the climb even though the climb for me is going to be more difficult than it is for the average person,"?  


Personally, I will climb and the view at the top will be that much sweeter.


So, to the family whose name I don't even know.  I suspect God sent you as angels into my life to teach me a lesson.  Thank you for showing me that while things may look really difficult, if there is a possibility, it IS possible.

Why???

Everyday I get a little bit stronger.  I am able to see that my life is what I make of it.  I'll be honest that I spent much of the last year wallowing in self-pity and asking my God the question "WHY?"

Why did mom have cancer?


Why did dad die when I needed him most?


Why did I lose both of my parents in a short period of time?


Why was my marriage destroyed?


Why am I still by myself when I want desperately to find a companion and possibly more?


Why is single parenting so challenging?


Why can't my kids both sleep all night on the same night?


Why do I feel like I have to go through this life by myself?


Why, why, why?


Do you see a common thread through all of those questions?  When I discovered what I was doing, I was floored.  I am focusing on ME and my wants, not my needs.

So I changed my thinking around a little and here is what I came up with.

Thank you Lord for my parents and for the amount of time I had with them.  You had them in my life to help make me into the person that I am today.  Even though I would have loved to have had more time, I thank you for the time I had with them and thank you for the hope of seeing them again in heaven.

Thank you Lord for the marriage that I had.  Thank you that my ex husband and I are at a place where we can communicate and get along for the sake of our kids.  Thank you that some healing has been brought to us.  I pray that you bring the person that is right for me into my life in your timing and NOT mine.  Thank you that you have kept people out of my life that were not who You meant to be that special person.  It's hard, but I trust in You to provide in Your time.

Thank you Lord for my kids.  We waited a LONG time for them to come home to us.  Please give me the patience, wisdom and grace I need to be the best mom I can be.  Thank you that they love me enough to seek me out in the middle of the night when they're hurt or scared.  Thank you that they still want me to hold their hands, pick them up, hug them, kiss them and be with them.

Thank you Lord for your son Jesus.  Who came to earth to show us that we are not alone.  Thank you for His strength that He demonstrated on the cross.  Thank you that He set the example for all of us to follow and even He asked the question "Why" when He said, "My God, My God, why hast Thou forsaken me?"   If He asked "Why?" then I know that I can too, but help me to quickly remember that all that is happening to me is in Your plan if I continue to trust in you.

So now I know the answer to "Why?"  It is because He is in control and He is working all things together for His good purpose.  I simply need to trust that He knows the answer to the question "Why".

Moving on

There is a famous passage in Ecclesiastes that was turned into a song by the Byrds in the mid 1960's that talks about there being a time for everything.  I remember my mother blasting this song as she cleaned the house when I was a child.  They Bible says this:

A Time for Everything
 ¹ There is a time for everything, 
   and a season for every activity under the heavens:

 ² a time to be born and a time to die,
   a time to plant and a time to uproot,
 ³ a time to kill and a time to heal,
   a time to tear down and a time to build,
 ⁴ a time to weep and a time to laugh,
   a time to mourn and a time to dance,
 ⁵ a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
   a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
 ⁶ a time to search and a time to give up,
   a time to keep and a time to throw away,
 ⁷ a time to tear and a time to mend,
   a time to be silent and a time to speak,
 ⁸ a time to love and a time to hate,
   a time for war and a time for peace.

At times time in my life, I find myself in a period of change -- again.  It seems that over the past 4 years, what I thought was my reality in life has been turned upside down.  Why?  This keeps coming back to me over and over again.  What is HE trying to teach me in all of these changes?  I know that sometimes, life just happens, but wow, how much change can one person face?

Deep down, I know where He is working in my life.  He is working on my biggest, number one fear and the one wall I have put up between my Creator and myself.  That is my trust in Him to provide and take care of me.  I need to have simple faith in my Creator and in NO ONE else.  

When I was a child, I remember begging my parents to have another baby.  I don't know if they couldn't have other children, but I think they both just only wanted one child.  There were some huge advantages to being an only child, but deep down, I also remember being terrified of being alone.  What would happen if my parents died? How would I deal with being by myself?

Then, that reality happened a year and a half ago...  Both of my parents were dead and not only that, but my marriage was destroyed.  And I was alone...  I was so blessed to have such amazing support from my extended family, friends and church family.  I am ashamed to say that I know now that I relied on these people more that I relied on God.  He should have been where I turned first, but I turned to the humans in my life more than I turned to Him.

Since April, God has truly been working in my life about trusting in Him alone.  He has been speaking to me about moving on in obedience and trust to Him.  I have yelled, kicked and screamed at Him.  How can I move away from the human support system that I have in place with my church family, but that's exactly what He's asking of me and He's made it abundantly clear that I need to trust Him first.

So, what this all means is that the boys and I will be attending a new church home.  I have loved my time at Calvary Chapel and cannot say enough about my church family there.  I have some incredible sisters and brothers in Christ that have gone above and beyond the call in supporting me through my trials these past two years.  Please know that God used you in such a powerful way in my life.  Your rewards in Heaven will be abundant!  Thank you!!

I have been in tears over this decision, but God has made it clear to me that it is time I step out in faith.  He has spoken to me from the Word, through His people and through circumstances to show me this, so please respect the work He is doing in my life.  At this point, I don't know why He is doing this, but I am truly trusting in Him.  I know that this is one of the most difficult decisions I've ever had to make.  I had no choice when my parents died and I had very little choice when my marriage ended.  This is a choice I'm making, but not lightly.

To all my Calvary family, please know how much I love you all and please stay in touch with me.  I hope that just because I no longer attend CC, it doesn't mean you all won't still be an important part of my life.  Again, my biggest fear about being alone is coming through here.  I'm trusting that the Lord will keep the people in my life that should be in my life.  So, please stay in touch and I will try to as well.

I am excited as to what the Lord has in store for me in the future.  I will continue to pray for you all.

Many Blessings!

~Judi

Making Magical Memories (Yes, I did use alliteration.)

I have wonderful memories of doing extra-special things with my parents when I was a child.  I remember the time we went to Campobello Island when I was about 8 years old.  My mom used to pack a picnic lunch when we took day trips.  We were in a hurry when we left home.  I can't remember what happened exactly, but instead of pre-making our sandwiches, my mom just grabbed a tupperware container of tuna  salad we had the day before for lunch, some bread, a cucumber and some chips.  When we arrived at the picnic area of the island, probably about a 3 hour drive from our house, she went to make lunch and opened the tupperware only to find out it was leftover peas from dinner the night before; not exactly great for making sandwiches.  My mom cried and my dad and I laughed and laughed and laughed (not at her) until she was laughing too.  I don't remember what we finally did for lunch, but it didn't matter.  That was a memory I will cherish for my life and thanks to my amazing parents, I have hundreds of similar memories.

I want my children to have similar memories.  Even though my kids are being raised in a single parent family, I want to insure that they have as many wonderful memories as possible.  Today was one of those days that I hope will stay with them forever.  It started at 4:30 a.m.  If you haven't read the post, it's sort of amusing. After we got back from Dysart's, Danny took a nap and Joey vegged on the couch.  At around  11 a.m. we left for Sand Beach in Acadia National Park.  We are so blessed to have this amazing national park in our backyard.  We arrived at Sand Beach at around noon.  My boys and I played in the sand and the ocean all afternoon.

We left the beach around 5 p.m. and drove a little way and had our dinner of PB&J on Otter Cliffs.  I forgot a knife (I am so much like my mother) so I broke a plastic cup into strips and used it as a knife.  The boys both laughed at me.   A little later, we drove a little ways up the road and the boys climbed on the rocks and boulders in the park.  They gazed into a crystal clear tidal pool and played tag and hide and    seek on the rocks.

We drove home and both boys fell asleep in the car on the way home.  Joey managed to take a few pictures of his sleeping brother from the backseat.  He soon fell asleep as well.  They got home and went right to bed.

Today was not a perfect day by any means.  Joey had a timeout and I had to speak to Danny several times, but the most important thing is that today made a memory in their sweet minds.  Maybe someday, one of my children will grow up and they will tell of the time that Grammie Judi tried to make PB&J sandwiches on the rock and had to use a strip from an old plastic cup to complete the job...

I can only hope that these memories will inspire my boys to create their own memories with their children someday.

“The heart that truly loves never forgets.”

Nature called at 4:30 a.m... Too Bad Danny was asleep

In a few weeks, I will be taking the boys camping all by myself.  8 days and 7 nights in a tent with NO electricity.  We will be about 2 hours away at Sebago Lakes State Park.   We went camping here last year and had a blast, but we were only there for 3 days.  We all wish we had more time, so this year, I put in for a whole week.  Since this is going to be a long span of time, we decided to practice last night by camping in our backyard.  There is nothing like a backyard adventures to bring a family closer.

The boys both helped me put up our new tent, which is good as I don't know if I could have done it by myself.  Danny and I ate lunch in the tent yesterday and the boys played in the tent all day yesterday.  We tried to simulate an authentic camping experience by having a fire in our firepit last night.  We were joined by our awesome neighbors Josh and Susan for roasted "smarshmallows" (as Danny calls them.)

At around 9 p.m., we went in our house, used the restroom and then went out to the tent.  We hunkered down for the night.  It was chilly!  The boys both seemed to sleep very well.  I, however, forgot how loud our little city was at night.  We live about 1/4 mile from the interstate, so I heard traffic most of the night.  I never realized that there was a train that blew it's horn about 50 times at 2:00 a.m.  I'm glad I don't live right near the tracks.  I would also love to thank the trucker that decided to use his air breaks for about 30 seconds this morning at 3 a.m.  It sounded like an air horn going off inside our tent.  Not to mention there were countless flights and helicopters going overhead all night.  Camping in our backyard is definitely not the quiet environment of nature I envisioned.

Needless to say, I did NOT sleep well at all.  The boys, however, slept really, really well.  In fact, Danny slept so well that at 4:30 he woke up soaking wet.  Poor boy.  It was cold out and he was wet and cold. I woke up Joey to tell him we were going in the house.  Joey didn't want to stay outside by himself, so he followed us in.  By the time we got Danny dried off and changed, we were all wide awake and the boys were STARVED.   So, this quick thinking (also hungry) mom said, "Let's go to Dysart's".  For those of you not from the immediate area, Dysart's is a truck stop that is open 24 hours a day. They have AMAZING food, huge portions and the best feature for two little boys is that there are trucks everywhere.  We were seated in the restaurant by 5 a.m., eating by 5:20 a.m. an on our way home by 5:45 a.m.  We are not at home and the boys are watching Looney Toons.  I had to blog about our adventure, but now I think I'm going to take a nap.  Good night, er... good morning everyone.  Oh yeah, and I made a note to myself....Pull-ups for the upcoming camping trip are a must!

Marriage advice from the single chick

I know that I'm probably a really odd person to be be giving marriage advice, but I'm gonna do it anyway.  I had a conversation tonight with someone who shall remain nameless and I really, really had my eyes opened.  You see, even though my marriage ended in divorce, I thought I had a really great marriage right up to the day we separated.  In fact, that very night in the car, we were trying to teach Danny the words to the song "The Witch Doctor" and the four of us were laughing together.  Little did I know that in less than an hour, I would find out information about my marriage that would change my life and the life of my two little boys forever.

So, take this advice with a HUGE grain of salt, but I would love to pass it along to others.  Are you ready for my ground-shaking, world changing advice?  You're not going to believe this...  Here it is...


Keep no secrets from your spouse...


Yup, that's it...  Most people might think that it should be something like "Love each other unconditionally."  Yes, I think that is of the utmost of importance as well and "Kiss each other every day."  Yes, that's up there as well, but what really separated our marriage was the issue of secrets.  Now I'm not talking about the secrets you keep at Christmas or birthdays or even the shh...  we're having a surprise party secret.  What I'm talking about is the secret that separates.  Eventually those happy secrets will bring you together.

Adultery is a secret.  When it comes to light, it will separate a couple.  If you've fallen into that, tell your spouse.  He or she will most likely be very, very mad.  They may even ask you to leave your house and tell you your marriage is over.  Until those divorce papers are final, it's not over.  Get help, get counsel and hang in there, but get out of the adulterous relationship and try to get your life back in order.  No matter how miserable you are in your marriage, persevere and work through your problems.  Divorce is worse than death in many ways.

Lack of passion or attraction to the other person, when held as a secret will tear a marriage apart. When you first identify that you know you don't feel the way you should, TALK about it or get counsel.

If you lose your job because you mouthed off to your boss, don't cover it up.  Be honest, tell your spouse.  Humbly apologize, work through the problem together.

If you are drinking, gambling, involved in pornography or even involved in drugs, tell your spouse and GET HELP!!  They are your partner and if you humble yourself and ask for help, they most likely will help you.  At least, they will respect your honesty.


Whatever your secret is, let it out.  You most likely will be found out anyway.  Secrets have a tendency to surface when you least want them to.  Be proactive and deal with your problem honestly before you have no choices left.

Love needs to be transparent.  In order to truly love and be loved, there can be no walls or barriers, so love one another in honesty and truth.

Must stay connected

As I type this on my new iPad with tho 3G technology, I'm sitting on a white rock in front of my camp. The water is gently lapping the shore while the twilight sets in in this longest day of the year for the northern hemisphere. I got out of school today and headed for my camp for a much needed brief respite. For years the only tv we had was a black and white one with barely enough reception for one channel.

Now, as I sit here, the satellite tv is on inside the camp and I am receiving Internet through a satellite miles above my location. This has all occurred within in the last 25 years. Technology makes our lives easier, keeps us connected to one another and is necessary for many aspects of life today. However, it sometimes separates us as well. For example, my kids are watching tv while I am typing this.

So, right now. I am going to press post, go inside, tun off the tv and bring my kids out to sit with me around the fire, which incidentally was one of if not the first method of modern technology we will talk aboutnour day and tell "when mama was young" stories. This very action will serve to connect em with my kids more than any technological advance of the 21st century and that's okay with me

Check in time

I'm going to post a really quick check in on my weight loss journey.  I haven't had much time to post on the blog just because the end of the school year has been super busy for me.

Okay, are you ready for my results.....




As of this morning, my weight was   168.  


That's a loss of 4 lbs!!!!  I've been able to walk the last few nights as my aunt has been staying with me and has the watched the boys so I could exercise.  I'm sooooooo excited!!!!!  6 more lbs until I reach my first mini goal of 162.  

Exercise! Need I say more??

I actually did it!!!!  I got up at 5:45 a.m. and did the elliptical for 1/2 hour and it wasn't all that horrible.  I was going to go for a walk with the boys tonight before church, but Danny fell sound asleep and I cannot get him to wake up.  Ugh!!!

I did pretty well in the eating category today.  I had  3 egg bites for breakfast.  Cottage cheese for lunch and then half of a summer roll for dinner.  Snacked on a cup or so of roasted garbanzos.

I did step on the scale this morning and I'm already down 3 pounds.  I'm sure it's water weight, but hey, it's a loss and not a gain.

 Since we're not going to go to church tonight because I can't wake Danny up, I guess I'm going to go to bed early tonight.  I might watch the Bruins get the Stanley Cup, first, however.

Something Different -- A video blog today.

So, today was day one of my weight loss journey.  I made a video on my progress today.  I'm not going to do this everyday, but I did want to capture my thoughts today.

Gulp!! Publicly gonna do this...

Okay, I'm going to do this publicly.  As many of you know,  last year I lost about 100 lbs last year.  I have slowly watched my weight creep up a few pounds and I'm bound and determined not to let that happen, so I'm going PUBLIC. I'm going to try to lose about 25 lbs between now and September 1st.  Thats about 2 - 3 lbs a a week, a healthy rate of loss.

I know that if I don't have accountability, it won't happen, so I am going to do this publicly.

My Current weight is (GULP!!!)  172

I will post pics tomorrow.

I ate horribly today and did no exercise.

Tomorrow is a new day.

He's 5!!!!!

Today, my baby is officially 5.  I'm not going to write a lot today, but I am going to share some pics from his party this weekend.  It was absolutely amazing!!  We are so blessed to have so many wonderful family and friends in our lives.  Here are some pictures from our incredible day.

Danny's cake was made by Pam of Pamela Daye's Custom Cakes.  It not only looked incredible, but it was moist and delicious as well!!

Danny's face when he saw his cake!!!  He LOVED it!!!

Playing his guitar.  Rock on Danny!!

We are so blessed to have so many wonderful family and friends!!

His favorite gift...  His drum set!!

His other favorite gift...  His dad bought tickets to see the Monster Truck Jam that night!  What a busy, but fun day!!!

I have to mention that I would be remiss if I didn't mention two very, very special people in this post, Danny's birthparents.  Last night as I was putting Danny to bed, I mentioned to him that we were going to go out to dinner to celebrate his real birthday tonight (Monday night) with Daddy.  Danny asked if his "Birthday mom" could come too.  That's what he calls T, his birthmother.  I explained to him that we had never met her or his birthfather, L, but we should pray for them and thank God for them.  Without them, I wouldn't have my precious boy.  T and L, if you ever find this blog and read it, please know that we pray for you most every day.  We love you even though we've never met you.  Thank you so much for choosing life for Danny and for your sacrificial love for him.  We talk about you frequently and he will always know how much you love him.  Danny himself is the most amazing gift you could have given the world.  Happy birthday!!

Punk Cat

We have the best cat in the world named Bear.  He came into our lives as a kitten last summer and really helped Joey get through some difficult times.  Well Bear is no longer a kitten.  He is a full-fledged punk teenager who has made an enemy of another punk cat in the neighborhood who coincidentally could be his identical twin.

In late winter, I noticed an abscess on Bear's paw.  We brought him to the vet and sure enough, he had been in a fight.  They cleaned the abscess, cut off Bear's male parts and he healed. I thought since Bear was now an "it" instead of a fully endowed male, he might fight less.  I was wrong.

About a month later, Bear came in with a HUGE abscess on his right haunch.  Back to the vet we went and this time he had to have major surgery to clean it out, a 4 inch scar and about 20 stitches.  After about 3 weeks, he was mostly healed up.  We had been very careful about keeping him in, but one night, he escaped.  I didn't even know he was out and at about 12:30 a.m. I heard a low guttural cat moan.  Sure enough, Bear and his arch nemesis were at it again.    When I finally did catch up with him, his almost heal scar had been entirely torn open and was deep.  I cried and cried and was seriously about ready to but a "for sale" sign on him.  If he hadn't been such a help to Joey when he was going through tough times last summer, the cat would have gone to a different house.

So now you've had the background info on Bear, let's move this story ahead to last night.  Bear was inside sleeping on my bed at 11 p.m. when I fell asleep.  At about 4:30 a.m., I hear that low guttural cat fight moan.  In my half asleep state of existence, I jumped out of bed ready to go outside to break up yet another cat fight only to realize that when I went to sleep, Bear was inside.  I have a sliding glass door from my bedroom out to a deck.  Bear was on the inside of the sliding glass door moaning at the other cat who was on the outside of the door moaning and hissing back.  I jumped up and hit the glass on the inside of the door hoping to scare the enemy cat.  The enemy cat wasn't scared in the least, backed up about three feet and proceeded to jump up onto a bench outside my bedroom door and curl up with his paws underneath his belly as if if to say, "I think I'll stay righ here."

I didn't want to run outside like a madwoman in my PJ's at 4:30 a.m. to scare him, but I had to do something since Bear was still on the inside of the door moaning and hissing, so I sent out my 16 year old blind and deaf Sheltie named Buddy to finish off the cat.  Buddy took one step out the door and then looked back at me like, "Now what do you want me to do?"  At that point I realized since he's blind and deaf that he didn't even see or hear the other cat, so I stomped my feet trying to scare the cat into moving.  The enemy cat let out one hiss and clawed at Buddy who promptly ran back inside and hid under my legs.  Yeah, that worked well.

I was beyond frustrated at that point.  I went out into the kitchen to find something to scare this cat away with.  In the meantime, Bear was getting worked up into a frenzy in my bedroom trying to show off his bravado.  The only thing I could find was Joey's Supersoaker, so I filled it with water and from the kitchen door, I blasted the cat.  Bear let out one final scream and then walked away from my door.

The arch nemesis cat still was hanging around my deck this morning.  If this keeps up, I may have to find a more powerful weapon.  Anyone have any ideas??

I fought the lawn and I won, I fought the lawn and I won.

Last year, I had so many battles being a single mom with a nice new home with a beautiful backyard and trying to maintain the lawn.  I love to garden and I love having a beautiful place to find some peace and quiet, but just like when my house gets messy, I get stressed, when my lawn gets too long or my garden fills with weeds, it also causes me stress.

Do you remember all of the battles I had last year with the yard.  We had bees in the garden and I ran over a frog named Gilbert with my lawnmower.  Needless to say, I was not looking forward to my lawn care adventures this year.

About 2 weeks ago, my lawn was knee high because we had so much rain and I didn't have a lawnmower that worked.  One of the boys from my school lives nearby so I offered to pay him $20 to mow my lawn.  Yeah, it was a lot to pay, but I knew it would be really hard work since the grass was so long.  He came over and it took him well over an hour to mow the lawn and it was HARD work, so I happily paid him the money.

The next day, another neighbor boy showed up and offered to mow my lawn.  I wisely asked him how much he would charge and he said $7.  I told him that he had a deal.  Well, a week went by and he didn't mow my lawn.  A week and a half and again, I had a field growing in my backyard.  I heard from a fellow teacher that this young man found out I had paid his friend $20 and said that there was no way he was going to do my lawn for $20.  Later, when I saw him, I told him that it was fine that he wasn't going to do my lawn,but he should at least have the courtesy to let me know.

After that little confrontation, I was DONE.  I put the boys in the car and said, "We're going to Home Depot."  45 minutes later and one very nice young sales associate who answered this single woman's ridiculous questions, we purchased a Toro Self-Propelled Lawn Mower.

We got it loaded in the car and home.  Danny assisted as I put the lawn mower together and got it started.  One of my next door neighbors, an older gentleman, came over and helped me start it.  I attempted to mow my lawn and about half way through the back yard, the lawnmower began to smoke like crazy!!  I thought I was going to cry.  Danny, without me knowing, ran next door to tell the neighbors that the lawnmower was on fire.  When I finally had a chance to examine the machine, I realized that the cover on the oil tank was not screwed in all of the way.  Oil had spilled out and onto the engine.  So, I replaced the cap, checked the oil and started to mow again.  Of course, the spilled oil burning off of the engine filled our neighborhood with smoke.  Pretty soon, the neighbor's wife was over checking on me to make sure I knew what I was doing.

I ended up finishing my lawn and later weeding and mulching my gardens.  My backyard looks AMAZING now.  I may be pathetic when it comes to lawn care, but I also am determined.  Even though it took me a while to figured it out, I DID it!!!

I fought the lawn and I WON!!!!!

A fire in the backyard

There is just something about sitting around a fire, toasting marshmallows and just talking.  I love our new home and our back yard.  We have an amazing golf course behind our property.  Most golfer are done playing through around 7 p.m., so after that, it's like we have no neighbors at all behind us.  It almost feels like we live in the woods even though we are in the middle of the city.  This spring, I purchased a firepit.  I've always wanted one and now we have the perfect spot for one.

Even though it was a little chilly last night, I lit a fire.  The boys were playing with friends and soon we had several neighborhood children in our backyard roasting marshmallows and talking.  Simple polite conversation seems to be missing in these days of cell phones, facebook, blogs, video games and technology.  I sat with about 6 children ages  4 to 14 and we told stories, laughed and just had fun.  They asked questions about the peepers we could hear in the distance, the stars, thunderstorms, our cat bear, trucks and much more.  When they started to leave around 9 p.m., they all wanted to know if we could do this again.  I told them that we most definitely could!

In the hour and a half we were outside, not one child texted, played a video game, logged on to facebook or even took a call on a cell phone.

So this summer, put away the cell phones, log off of the computer and spend time with your kids.  Find out their what makes them tick.  Ask about what they like to do.  You may just make a memory that will last a lifetime and light a fire in their heart about the world.

A BIG ANNOUNCEMENT

Okay...  Here's my big announcement.  (No, I'm not seeing anyone and I'm not getting married.)

The Lord laid on my heart about a year ago that I should write a book.  I feel strongly that is what I will be doing that.

I'm praying for direction about the focus of my book.  I have a TON of ideas and I need to be focusing on direction with this project.   I will keep you updated.  In the mean time, look for a fan page for this blog on Facebook.  I've been posting my blog updates as part of my personal FB page and will continue to do so for those of you that will admit to being friends on Facebook, however, I am also going to be starting a fan page as an outreach ministry for single moms.  It will be launching soon.  I also am praying about starting an online ministry for single parents.

I am asking for you to pray for me in this endeavor.  God has been sooooo good to me and shown me so much grace.  I just want Him to use me in the way He sees best in the lives of others.

Blessings and Grace to you,
Judi

Chim chiminey, chim chiminey...

There was BIG excitement outside of our house last night.  HUGE!  Danny could hardly contain himself.

The STREET SWEEPER went down our street.  Yes, you heard me right.  We had an actual street sweeper on our road.  At about 5 p.m., I called the boys in for dinner.  I looked up the street and saw Danny sitting on a neighbors lawn watching the street sweeper move down the street.  I went out to him and said, "Whatchya doin' buddy?"  He looked up at me with big eyes and said, "Watching this big truck coming down our street!"

So, I explained what the truck was and what it was doing.  The man in the truck stopped the truck and said, "Bring him over here."  We got to look into the truck and see the dual steering wheels.  The man also explained why the sweeper sprayed water on the ground first and how the brooms worked with the vacuums to suck up all of the dirt from winter left behind on the road.

Danny and I walked all the way down our street, following the street sweeper and watching it do it's job.  Danny asked questions and predicted what was going to happen next when the sweeper reached certain objects and obstacles.  Overall, it was a very educational experience.

Last night, as we were getting ready for bed, he said, "Mama, when I grow up, can I drive a street sweeper?"  I told him that he could if he did well in school and learned how to be very safe and careful.

He then said his prayers.  "Dear God, Thank you for this day.  Thank you for Mama, Joey and the street sweeper.  Please help the man who drives it not to hit any kids and if he does, help him not to suck them up inside the street sweeper.  In Jesus name, Amen."

So, driver of street sweeper 283, thank you for taking the time to teach my Danny about street sweeping and remember, be careful out there today. Try not to suck up any young children in your truck.

Pop Tarts and Praise Songs at 5:15 a.m.

Every day this week, I have had to wake the boys up at between 7:30 and 8 a.m --  except today.  Today Danny was wide awake at 5:15 a.m. and raring to go.  He got up, got himself dressed and bounded down the stairs declaring it was time to go out and play.  So I did what any normal mom would do.  I turned the TV on, gave him a Pop Tart as I knew the next request would be for me to make breakfast and told him not to get off of the couch until I came and got him.  Then, I went back to bed.  I love my kids, but 5:15 a.m. on a Saturday is a bit much to ask of any mother.  I have to be honest and real when I say that at this moment, I was not feeling the normal motherly love that a woman should have for a child.  As a matter of fact, I entertained the opposite thoughts.  "Why me?  Why do I have to have a child with a sleep disorder? Why do I have to be a single parent?  Why did you do this to me, God?"

It sounds ridiculous, I know.  I mean, I am amazingly blessed.  It's incredible what lack of sleep does to your attitude.

So, I went back to bed grumbling a silent protest in my heart and then I heard it.  Singing...

"Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so..."  Hearing your child sing or laugh is one of the sweetest sounds a mother can hear.  Tears started to roll down my face.  How could I have had those feelings in my heart, even for a moment?  Shouldn't I be grateful 100% of the time for my kids, even when they get me up at 5:15 a.m.?  After all, I waited 10 long years for them to be in my life.  How could I be so grumpy with him when his heart is so sweet?  How could I put my own selfish need for sleep in front of Danny just wanting to spend time with me?   Then, I started to feel guilt.   What kind of mother am I?  What kind of mother puts her own need for sleep before the needs of her children?

I don't believe that God speaks audibly to people today, but I think he often places knowledge in your heart.  The next thought I had was, "You are a human mother.  Flawed and imperfect, but you have been made perfect in me.  You are the perfect mother for your kids even when you're being human."    Then the next thought I had was that Danny deserves someone better than me, more patient, more understanding and more loving.  Then I realized he has that person.  He was just singing about Him on the couch.

I learned a lot today about myself.  Guilt, bitterness, anger, envy and jealousy are all tools in the enemy's hand that try to pull us away from the good things in this world that God has for us.  Being content in our current situation is something I struggle with everyday, however, I need to realize that I am in God's plan and I know that He has only my best interest in mind. He is the perfect parent and wants me to follow His plan for my life, so I am going to try to take those negative feelings into captivity.  When I feel them, I am going to pray to get that contentment and joy back into my life.  Jesus truly loves me and that is ALL that I need.

Stress and stress relief

Today was certainly a stressful day at work.  Most days I LOVE my job and truly, today was no exception, however, we did have a few challenges today.  Without getting into the actual events   of the day, let me just say, there is never a dull moment when you are a teacher, especially when you are dealing with adolescent children.   I have to say that in the course of the day, I laugh many times, want to pull my hair out at other times, am surprised at the amount of new gray hair I get on a daily basis, sometimes want to cry, sometimes want to just give a child who needs it a hug, laugh some more, am challenged at how to "get through" to the reluctant learner, have to think on my feet, laugh again etc.  You get the picture.  Today was one of those days where I did all of the above and more.  We had a faculty meeting this afternoon and our principal brought up a major event that occurred in the morning and one of the teachers piped up and said facetiously, "that happened today?"  That was just the kind of day we had.  STRESSFUL!!!  And most likely, since the school year is starting to wind down, we will have many, many more stressful days over the next few weeks.

So, what do I do to relieve stress??  Here are some of my tried and true methods.

1.  Read the Bible and pray.  I really do get much wisdom, comfort and peace from reading the Word of God and spending time with my best friend, Jesus.

2.  Take a hot bath with a good book on my Kindle.  Now before you get shocked that I don't get shocked by having electronics in the tub, I put the Kindle in a ziploc bag and voila!  It's waterproof and best of all, the pages of a book don't get all soggy.

3.  I eat Rosemary and Olive Oil Triscuits.  My current weakness.

4.  I go for a walk to burn off the calories of eating the Rosemary and Olive Oil Triscuits.

5.  I drink a cup of Licorice Spice Tea!  Yummy!!

6.  I light a candle.

7.  I go to bed early.

8.  I write to process my thoughts and clear my head.

People often ask me how I can possibly be going to Grad School, single parenting to active boys, working full time and running a part time photography business without going insane. That's how I do it.  I have different things I do to deal with the stress.

On most nights I do only one or two of those things.

Tonight, I think I managed to hit them all...

Thank goodness tomorrow is Friday.

Mom School

I have gullible children.  Their gullibility can make parenting really, really fun.  I have an ongoing joke with them.  Any time I do something "Mom-ish" and they asked me how I learned that particular skill, I tell them that I learned it in Mom School.  Mom School is a place that all Moms are required to attend before they have kids to learn how to be a mom.  When they asked how I knew this or that, I sometimes that it was a class in Mom School.

So, today, I was making dinner on the grill and Danny tried to "help".  Despite my repeated admonitions not to touch the grill, he reached his hand in just as I was taking the meat of of the grill and touch the very front of the stove, not even on the burner.  He burned the tip of his index finger ever so slightly.  I immediately got an ice cube and wrapped it in a cloth to put on the finger, but it didn't work so I said, "Hey, I remember this from mom school.  We learned how to fix burns, hold on a sec."  I ran inside and got a package of frozen raspberries and wrapped in finger in it and then gave him a little ibuprofen for the pain.  I told him that they said that any package of frozen fruit with the ibuprofen should take away the pain in about 20 minutes.  Guess what, it worked!!

After dinner, I had to give the cat his antibiotics.  He fought and struggled, so I wrapped him in a towel with just his head showing so he couldn't squirm and force fed his medicine to him.  Guess where I learned that?  You got it!  Mom school.

At bed time, Danny fell asleep on the couch without doing his business.  Seeing he is no longer in a pull up at night, I felt it important to force him to do his duty before retiring permanently to La-la land.  Joey watched me carry his 70 lb. brother up the stairs, undress him, walk him to the bathroom, quietly talk him into going without waking him up and walk him back to bed.  Joey looked at me with big eyes and asked, "What class taught you how to do that?"  I told him that it was a class called 'Early Childhood Night Time Routine and Preparation' A.K.A,  MOM 101.  He then looked at me and said, "You're fooling again, right?  They didn't really make you go to mom school."  I just smiled at him.  I know I shouldn't lie to my child, but I know that he knows that this is just a little joke between the two of us.

How does a woman learn to be a mother?  Where did I learn these "Mom Skills"?  Growing up, I remember my best friend, Pam and I pretended we were moms.  She had her Betsy doll and I used a red-headed doll named Natalie.  We would pretend by the hours that we were moms.  We used benches in Pam's room and would make cribs for our babies.  We would diaper them, swaddle them feed and burp them.  We would sing and read to them and just practice being moms.  I don't really remember how we learned these skills except we observed the grown-ups being moms to their own children. I am so grateful for the beautiful example these women set for me.  My mom, my grandmothers, my aunts, my babysitter (Pam's mom) and several other women along the way taught me so many things that I currently use with my kids.  I am grateful for all that these woman showed me.  Without their love, patience and guidance, I don't know would do.  I probably would have been really, really clueless when it came to being a mom.

Since this is Teacher Appreciation week and Mother's day is fast approaching, I want to say thank you to all of the women in my life that were instructors to me in Mom school.  Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!

The Big Top and Boys Dreams

Yesterday, I received some tickets to the circus, so last night I brought the boys to see it.  I remember my own parents bringing me to the circus when I was little and the magic that was stirred in my own heart.  I remembered dreaming about becoming the woman who flew high in the sky with her dashing partner catching her by the finger tips on the trapeze, stunning audiences with my amazing feats on the high wire or being the woman in the glamorous costume that trained the big cats or rode the elephants.

Much has changed since the circus of my youth.  The animal activists and probably liability laws have ensured that there were no big cats or even elephants.  The two animal acts were dogs and primates.  There was no trapeze, although there was a man and woman who hung from about 20 feet up and spun their bodies on a mock trapeze and there was the spiral of death where a man walked outside a hampster-treadmill type contraption blindfolded while his beautiful partner was safe on the inside of the balance wheel.

These major changes in the circus, however, did not dampen the dreams of my children as they viewed the many acts.  Joey wanted to try and do all of the stunt acts.  When he saw the 9 year old little boy performing with his parents on the unicycle, he promptly asked if I could marry a man that was in the circus so we could be a family act and perform like this little boy's family did.  I informed him that we already very much lived in a circus with the antics the boys did on a daily basis and that while being paid for people to observe those antics sounded attractive to me, I didn't think that anyone would pay to see me in any sort of skimpy costume like that mom wore.  As a matter of fact, I think they would run away in fear, so I would not have a job for very long!

Danny had a little different dream.  He was fascinated by the clowns.  My gregarious 4 year old stood and watched them at every opportunity he could.  By the end, in his usual charming way, he had introduced himself to every clown he could find and was trying to entertain them.  He shouted out, "Hey clown!  Look at me!  I can stand on one foot!!"  They all laughed at him, joked with him and smiled.  Eventually, clowns were starting to point out my little man to other clowns.   I overheard "Sluggah" telling "Trash Can" that Danny was a cool kid who would one day take his job.  What a proud mommy moment!  I can just imagine talking with my friends some day when I'm 80 and the conversation going something like this:

Friend:  "So, how's your youngest?"
Me:  "He's doing really well, traveling a lot though, so I rarely see him."
Friend:  "What business is he in, again?"
Me:  "Entertainment."
Friend: "Oh, is he an actor or something?"
Me: "No, he's a clown."
Friend:  "He always was a funny kid!"

You get the picture.  Not that there's anything wrong with being a clown as they make millions of people happy a year, but it's just not what I am dreaming about for my son's future profession.  At the same time, I am dreaming that he finds something that he can make a living at that makes him happy.  For Danny, entertaining others DEFINITELY makes him happy, so if that's what he wants to do with his life, I will support it 100%.

At bedtime last night, Danny couldn't stop talking about the clowns and Joey did aerial acrobatics getting into bed.  They both went to sleep dreaming about what they want to do with their lives when the grow up.  They want excitement, to make people smile and most importantly, to be happy.  When you're 4 and 7, you see the circus as a job that would make you and others happy.

As a mom, my job makes me extremely happy.  I love the hugs, the cuddles, helping the boys learn right from wrong, helping them discover their dreams and just being there for them.  Being a mom was always my biggest dream and for several years, I never thought that would come true.  My dream has now come true and part of that dream is to help my kids discover their dreams.

My advice to my boys:  DREAM BIG!!!!

Joey, if you want to stun people with acrobatic, aerial feats, do it!!  (But be safe).

Danny, if you want to entertain and make people laugh, do it!!  (But not in class).

Dream, dream, dream.  Never stop dreaming and never, ever give up.  Sometimes we have what look like insurmountable road blocks on our path to achieve our dreams, but once we get past those, we look back and see that they were just tiny, tiny bumps in the path.  Trust in God to get you over those bumps, focus on His will for your life, try your hardest always and you WILL accomplish your dreams.