Pop Tarts and Praise Songs at 5:15 a.m.

Every day this week, I have had to wake the boys up at between 7:30 and 8 a.m --  except today.  Today Danny was wide awake at 5:15 a.m. and raring to go.  He got up, got himself dressed and bounded down the stairs declaring it was time to go out and play.  So I did what any normal mom would do.  I turned the TV on, gave him a Pop Tart as I knew the next request would be for me to make breakfast and told him not to get off of the couch until I came and got him.  Then, I went back to bed.  I love my kids, but 5:15 a.m. on a Saturday is a bit much to ask of any mother.  I have to be honest and real when I say that at this moment, I was not feeling the normal motherly love that a woman should have for a child.  As a matter of fact, I entertained the opposite thoughts.  "Why me?  Why do I have to have a child with a sleep disorder? Why do I have to be a single parent?  Why did you do this to me, God?"

It sounds ridiculous, I know.  I mean, I am amazingly blessed.  It's incredible what lack of sleep does to your attitude.

So, I went back to bed grumbling a silent protest in my heart and then I heard it.  Singing...

"Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so..."  Hearing your child sing or laugh is one of the sweetest sounds a mother can hear.  Tears started to roll down my face.  How could I have had those feelings in my heart, even for a moment?  Shouldn't I be grateful 100% of the time for my kids, even when they get me up at 5:15 a.m.?  After all, I waited 10 long years for them to be in my life.  How could I be so grumpy with him when his heart is so sweet?  How could I put my own selfish need for sleep in front of Danny just wanting to spend time with me?   Then, I started to feel guilt.   What kind of mother am I?  What kind of mother puts her own need for sleep before the needs of her children?

I don't believe that God speaks audibly to people today, but I think he often places knowledge in your heart.  The next thought I had was, "You are a human mother.  Flawed and imperfect, but you have been made perfect in me.  You are the perfect mother for your kids even when you're being human."    Then the next thought I had was that Danny deserves someone better than me, more patient, more understanding and more loving.  Then I realized he has that person.  He was just singing about Him on the couch.

I learned a lot today about myself.  Guilt, bitterness, anger, envy and jealousy are all tools in the enemy's hand that try to pull us away from the good things in this world that God has for us.  Being content in our current situation is something I struggle with everyday, however, I need to realize that I am in God's plan and I know that He has only my best interest in mind. He is the perfect parent and wants me to follow His plan for my life, so I am going to try to take those negative feelings into captivity.  When I feel them, I am going to pray to get that contentment and joy back into my life.  Jesus truly loves me and that is ALL that I need.