This post may not be the most uplifting post you read from me, but my blog is my therapy in many ways. This post will be very personal about the pain I'm going through right now. I'm hoping that maybe through my pain, I can minister to others and let others now that they are not alone in their pain. If you are offended by it, I apologize, but these are my personal feelings. No offense was intended, rather, it's important for me to express how the actions of others can effect a person or people for a lifetime. So, here is the brutal truth.
I feel very, very ALONE.
After Dave left, many people supported me. After my dad died, people were right there. Now, it has been almost two years and my life has continued to get more and more stressful and I still am trying to raise two little boys by myself with no help. My heart aches for my children. They deserve so much more than this life, but at the same time, I am trying to give them the most love I can give and the best life possible. However, trying to do this alone is very draining. I feel like I'm on empty right now. I'm sooo tired. I often feel like I don't have much left to give them. It's amazing, though that when I am in that state of feeling like I have nothing left, God provides me with that love, that patience and the full heart to help them get through the problems that they face. Still, being a single parent is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I feel very, very alone.
I have a house that I'm still paying for that is jointly owned by myself and my ex. It needs to be sold now but because of circumstances, I can't sell it. I'm paying for everything there and paying for all of the utilities of the house I'm in. The money only goes so far.
I fell very, very alone
I am an only child, so I have no siblings. My mom and dad are both gone. They were the best parents in the world and I need them now more than anything, but they are not here. I'm so sad that Danny will never remember them and Joey's memories are fading every day.
I feel very, very alone.
I'm raising two kids with special needs. One child has a sleep disorder and is up most night for several hours. I'm usually up with him. Sleep deprivation is not a good thing, for either of us. The same child is struggling in school and I'm having to fight to get him the services he needs... by myself.
I feel very, very alone.
Several times this summer, I have had well-intentioned people imply that I am not a good mother, not a good Christian. You can only hear that so much before you start to believe it. You can only be gossiped about so long before you start not to trust others. Each person that spoke to me or gossiped about me was unaware of other things that had been said or the damage they were doing to my spirit. Each person that spoke to me had a very small piece of the picture, but not the whole picture. Each person that pushed me a little bit further and further away didn't realize the chaos and devastation they were causing in my life. After I was gossiped about and was criticized, I was rejected until I had no other choice but to separate myself from those causing my pain. When people found out I left, many assumed I was the one doing the rejecting, when actually, again they didn't have the whole picture. I chose to separate myself from those that were crushing my spirit. This left me alone, but sometimes it's better to be alone with God than those who are cruel and who cause devastating pain.
I feel very, very alone.
My pain is great and I have never felt so alone on this earth as I do right now. I have found in my life that it is when I'm at these points that God does His greatest work in changing me and working in me. I encourage each of you to look around you. Look for those people who are in pain and reach out your hands to them. Do not judge them or gossip about them, but rather, love them by your words and actions. Help them in the practical ways even if they don't ask for that help. This is true love and ministry. When you perceive that someone has fallen, don't judge and reject, but find out why. Don't walk away in silence. Help them, don't shut them out. Shutting them out just pushes them further and further away.
I praise God for my true friends that continue to support and stand by me. Thank you for all you do. I do recognize the important part you have in my life. May God bless you for your love towards me and my boys. When you support me, you make me feel less and less alone. Please keep hanging in there with me. I'm sorry if I'm acting pathetic right now.
If you are where I am right now, in a place of great pain, I am so sorry. I will pray that someone reaches out to you where you are. Sometimes it is simply to difficult to reach those hands up when they are so burdened. The weight of pain is extreme. Somedays you literally feel like you cannot breathe, you can't move. I understand that all too well.
So if you are at a place in your life right now where you are relatively content, please look around. Bless someone around you that maybe in the place of feeling alone.
I still feel very alone, but I have faith that this will not always be the case. When I am on the other side and out of this place of pain, I know the Lord will have changed me and will give me clear vision and will help me relate to the feelings of those in a place of pain. This will make it easier to minister to those around me. There is a reason for this pain and this feeling of being alone. I look forward to the day when I can bless someone else who is feeling what I am feeling now. God will use this. I have faith in Him and how He works. My life is far from perfect, but I know that He has a plan for me and that every trial I go through equips me so he can use me. I'm looking forward to that day when the questions I have about why I'm going through these trials will be answered.
"For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning." Psalm 30:5
