Feelings, nothing more than feelings
Trying to forget my feelings of love
Teardrops rolling down on my face
Trying to forget my feelings of love
Well, it's 1:00 a.m. and I'm having a hard time sleeping, so I'm going to talk a little about feelings and single parenting. Most of the time I have WONDERFUL days with my children. As frustrating as their behaviors can sometimes be, I truly and honestly enjoy, adore and love being around my children. I think that's what makes going through divorce so difficult. I don't want to lose a second with them, but the reality is that if we have joint custody of the kids, there will be times when they won't be with me. Having gone through infertility, that makes this even more difficult. I prayed so hard for my children and I love them so, so much, thinking about missing even a second with them is very difficult. At the same time, I do want to acknowledge that I'm sure my soon to be ex husband feels the same way. That's what makes this so tough. After being married for 15 years, I still care about his feelings. I definitely care about my kids and want them to have a relationship with their dad, but I also don't want to miss any time with them. So, I'm really torn up inside over all of this.
I'm also having a hard time dealing with loneliness. Several of my friends have encouraged me to start looking around and possibly dating, but I really don't think that's wise until you are legally divorced. I know that there are others that have no problem with this once you're separated if there's no chance for reconciliation. But, I just don't feel that's in God's will. I promised to be faithful and no matter what else, I keep my promises no matter what other's choose to do.
Tonight, after the kids were asleep, I was laying on my bed crying and praying and just having a plain old pity party. Why me? Why am I alone? Why does this hurt so much? Why, why, why? And the answer I got was "Why not you?" There have been so many people in this world that have gone through so much worse, why do I think I'm different. Jesus himself was totally and completely innocent. He never once did anything toward anyone else that was anything but loving. Even when he got angry and turned over the tables of the money changers in the temple it was because he wanted them to live their lives the right way, not cheating the poor and the widows that would come to them. Every one of His actions personified God's love for us. Yet, He still knew the most excruciating pain a human has ever felt. He was mocked, beaten, spit upon, scourged and crucified and yet He was completely innocent. His innocent blood was shed to pay the price for the rest of us to have a way to be with God the Father in heaven some day. If Jesus was completely innocent and He went through unthinkable pain, how can I wallow in my pain. While I acknowledge that I have very real pain, I'm not going to dwell on that pain forever. I'm going to keep moving on with my life.
After all, feelings can be deceitful. What I feel one second may be contradicted by what I'm feeling the next. The only truth that I can hold on to is that God knows my feelings, He has a plan for my life and I need to strive to stay in His will to accomplish that plan. God will comfort me and carry me through the difficult times. Going through pain is a lot like going through a valley. It's a dark, shadowy place and the mountain peak that you're trying to reach seems unreachable, but it's not. Eventually you reach the top of the mountain and can see how beautiful and lush the valley truly was. The valley is a place of much growth.
I am just praying that God can get me out of the valley quickly and again up to the top of the mountain. But in the mean time, I am trusting in Him and His will for my life. When I need Him to carry me through, I know He will. He is real, my feelings are only illusions of what I perceive to be reality. God is good and faithful and will show me the path to walk through the valley and He will guide my steps up to the top of the mountain.
“The human heart is the most deceitful of all things,
and desperately wicked.
Who really knows how bad it is?
But I, the LORD, search all hearts
and examine secret motives.
I give all people their due rewards,
according to what their actions deserve.” ~Jeremiah 17:9-10
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