Poop Trucks and Potty Talk

Today was my official last day to play with my boys.  Tomorrow I have some things to finish up in my room and need to go to the university to get my books and my classes straightened out.  It was in the upper 80's here, warm and humid and my cousin Sally had invited the boys and me to visit her at our family camp on Sebec Lake, so I packed up some food, some bathing suits and the boys and we headed out to camp.

When we got to camp, Sally mentioned that the septic system was overflowing and she had to call the septic service people to come pump the tank and help us figure out what was wrong with the system.  As we pulled into the driveway, you could smell the raw sewage.  What a lovely odor!  Not exactly the pines, cedars and wildflowers I'm used to smelling as we pull into the camp driveway.  The boys immediately identified the odor and instead of being repulsed by it, they were fascinated as to the the whereabouts of the source of the stench.  We got out of the car and they went to the side of the camp with Sally's husband Rick to investigate the hole that had been dug to reveal the overflowing septic system.  "Ewww!!" was the thought in my head.  "Cool!!!!" was what the boys were thinking.  Danny asked me what it was and I told him that it was the hole where our poop and pee went after we flushed it from the camp.  Danny then took one look at it and said,  "Mama, I really have to go.  Can I just pee right into the hole?"  I should have let him do it, but the thought of it...  I made him go in the woods behind a tree.  Not really much better, but it just seemed, well, cleanlier to me.

We got unpacked and got into our bathing suits and waited for the Honey Truck, a.k.a. the Poop Truck to pull into the driveway.  After a few hours in came the HUGE truck from the Septic Service.  I wish I could remember the logo on the side of the truck but it was something like "Can't flush...We will rush."  Out jumped the driver/poop technician who happened to share the name of my youngest son, Danny.  Danny was a very personable man, but incredibly desensitized to the environmental conditions of his job.  With his bare hands, he popped the line off his truck and plunged it into our tank.  Within a matter of seconds the already overwhelming odor was, well, pungent and powerful.  Sally and I were both very grateful that we had not eaten lunch yet.  The boys, Rick included, were fascinate.  Danny looked at me and said "I'm so glad we came here.  Poop and  big truck.  Life is great."

We watched as the elder Danny pumped our septic system out and then helped Rick identify the possible problems.   Every few minutes, we had to go back and check on the poop problem.   The issue is not solved yet, but will be in a few days.

Okay, I don't know what it is with boys and potty talk.  The septic system experience seemed to create an atmosphere conducive to potty talk for the rest of the day.  Tooting, farting, pooping and peeing became an even more popular topic of discussion than normal in our home.  As we were sitting beside the lake, Sally told a story of a friend's two year old who went into a posh restaurant and was running around calling himself "Captain Poopy Pants".  Guess what Joey declared as his superhero name for the rest of the day.  I just pray he will forget about it by the time he goes to school on Wednesday.  Joey also decided to quote from an episode of SpongeBob.  It goes like this, "If you want to make a crabby-patty, you must first understand the word POOP.  People Order Our Patties."  The conversations went on like this for several hours.

For the rest of the day, the three men of the family continued to discuss the poop issues, had a fair amount of potty talk, went fishing, built a campfire and did some "guy" things.  It was so good to see my boys being boys, enjoying life, grunting, farting (sorry Sally), burping, grilling meet over an open flame and just loving life.  I can't say that potty talk and fishing are my favorite activities, but in the car on the ride home, my boys could not stop talking about their day.  Some days, like today, I wonder why God gave me boys.  It probably will take me a while to figure that one out, but each day, I praise God for my rough, tumble, potty talking young boys.  I'm praying that I can give them the opportunities to have adventures like today and at the same time help them to turn into polite gentlemen one day.  Please pray for God to give me wisdom as to how to best raise my boys to be polite, respectful men.

Thank you Rick and Sally for having us up and for creating an exciting and adventurous day for us on our last official day of summer vacation.

Dancing under the Stars

My life has been absolutely insane lately and is about to get worse, but that's alright.  I've decided that life is meant to be lived and that may mean some days I'm so busy I can't see straight.  I'm starting to feel a little overwhelmed and stressed at a few things.  The first is that I will be taking two Grad classes this semester.  I am 3 classes and a practicum away from my master's degree.  Because two of those three classes are fall classes, I really need to take both of those classes so I can graduate from college before Joey graduates from high school.  I also am getting ready to go back to school and am trying to get the kids ready to go back to school.  I know once we get into a routine everything will be okay, but trying to transition into that routine has been tough.

Lately, I have been more brave with my attempts to single parent.  I have decided that if I want to do something with the boys, I'm just going to do it.  I'm not going to let fear about what happens if I need another set of hands and I'm by myself rule my life.  Last night, I really wanted to go to the American Folk Festival.  This is the 10th year our city has hosted this festival.  It is really an amazing time to experience culture in our town and as I music teacher, I bask in the music, dancing and the atmosphere.  I packed the boys up in the car around 5 p.m and we headed down town.  We found a parking space about 1/4 mile from the site and got out.  I had put their little red wagon in the car, so they got in and we started off for the Festival.  I had brought drinks and snacks, but the food there is amazing.  It is from all different cultures from around the world.  We sampled Greek, Indian and Mexican food.  We then started to wander around.  The first event we watched was a parade led by the University of Maine Marching Band.  Being a former alumnus of the band, this was near and dear to my heart.  Both boys LOVED it so much we had to follow them through the parade route.  We stood behind the band at one point and watched as they put on a show.  Danny was fascinated by the Sousaphones and has declared that is the instrument he wants to play.  We then went to a concert performed by a Cajun Band.  The boys liked that, but were not as taken with it, so I looked on the schedule and noticed there was an urban / break dance performance.  We got there early and got seats in the front row.  Again, both boys were fascinated, but Danny especially LOVED the dancing.  He has an amazing creative side in his soul.  He loves music, dancing, singing, drama, etc.  He started dancing and at the end of the show, he was brought up front by one of the organizers of the event.  So cool!!  Seeing him strut his stuff in front of thousands of people brought tears to my eyes.  After the event, we met the performers and even followed them over to the dance tent where we boogied to salsa music under the stars.  We met up with my friend Trish and her husband George and we all danced up a storm.  My boys had so much fun.  Thanks Trish and George for the dance.  The kids are still talking about how much fun they had this morning.

I have to say that as I looked around at all of the couples and families last night, I was a little sad.  I so wish I had a partner with whom I  could share all of these sweet moments I'm having with my boys.  Then, I remember, that I do have a partner.  I went home and in prayer told the Lord about my amazing night even though He was there and knew all that happened.  I thanked Him for His love for me and for my boys.  Even if I never find a human being here on earth to fill that role for me again, I know that God is my Husband and the boys heavenly Father.  I can't help but think about the smile that was on His face as He saw Danny expressing his joy by dancing up a storm last night.  But, of course, He is the one that put the joy there in the first place.  Praise God for being there for me.

New Beginnings

I haven't blogged in a few days because I've been getting ready to go back to school.  We had Joey's first grade screening on Monday, Danny's pre-K orientation yesterday and I went back to school for two teacher workshops today and the boys started with a new babysitter this morning.  It's been quite a week of firsts already.

So, I'm not exactly thrilled about going back to school.  Don't get me wrong.  I ADORE my job, I love my students and I LOVE what I do.  I am truly blessed to be doing something that doesn't feel like work to me.  I have so much fun doing what I do.  However, I also LOVE being with my boys.  Every second with them is so precious as they grow up so fast.

There is something exciting about a new school year.  It is a fresh start, a new beginning.  Things are bright and clean and the students come into the school expecting to have their best year yet.  Some students do have wonderful years and some students, unfortunately, struggle to meet with success.  As a teacher, these students are often the ones that I'm drawn to.  I love to help a student find the keys to having a successful year.  It is so rewarding to teach them that when you make good choices, good things happen for you.  On the flip side, it is frustrating when you see your students making poor choices and then having to face the consequences of those choices.

I've made some poor choices in my life and have and are currently suffering the consequences.  I've also made some excellent choices and have reaped the benefits of those as well.  But, sometimes things happen and it has nothing to do with the choices I've made, but with the choices someone else has made and I've ended up getting hurt because of it.  I try to instill in my boys that their choices don't only effect their own lives, but the lives of the rest of the family as well.  How do you get that point across to a 4 and a 6 year old?  There are consequences for every decision we make.  We can say we're sorry, but unless we SHOW we're sorry in a very real and tangible way, those words are useless and pointless.

I'm praying that my boys can learn this lesson before they make choices that effect their own lives and  the lives of their loved ones.  Hopefully when they are adults, they will be able to see and predict what might happen and what might be the outcome of their decisions.  By having this type of vision, I pray that they will be happy and successful.

I woke up this morning a t 5:15 with every intention of exercising, but instead there was a magnificent sunrise so I headed out to the back forty and shot a few pics.  Enjoy.

"Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning." ~Lamentations 3:23

Single Parenting is for the Birds

I'm sitting in my upstairs hallway between both boys rooms tonight waiting for them to go to sleep.  Most days I can do this single parenting thing just fine on my own, but tonight, I really wish I had someone to share the insanity with me.  Both boys have been angry most of the afternoon.  They have every right to be anger.  My babies have had so much loss in their lives.  There world has been rocked in the last 8 months.  I, too, have anger as well, but we all need to learn how to best express our anger so we can live together in peace.

On the advice of a pastor at church, we are meditating on James 1:19-21  "Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.  Human anger^[ does not produce the righteousness God desires.  So get rid of all the filth and evil in your lives, and humbly accept the word God has planted in your hearts, for it has the power to save your souls."  We've been really focusing on the quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to get angry portions of the verse.  It will work, it will work, it will work...  It has to work.  It is the Word of God and the Word does not come back void.  That is the awesome thing about focusing my life on the Word is that I've seen it work over and over again in situations that I thought were hopeless.  That is when God does His best work.

So, here I sit, praying, comforting, being firm, listening, drying their tears, trying my tears and trying to make sense out of all that has happened in our lives.  It is so unfair in so many ways, but I know that God has a plan for all of this.  He is good, just and righteous and this will all work for His purpose (Romans 8:28).


In the mean time, I need to remember to keep my focus on God and His plan for my life.  I know that right now, I am called to be the best mother I can be.  Somedays, I feel like I fail terribly in that endeavor.  I can get angry, lose my temper and jealous that others have loving spouses to shoulder the burden of raising children.  But, I need to look at what God has blessed me with instead of focusing on the things I don't have.  We went through 10 years of infertility before we brought Joey home.  I am soooo blessed to have him.  When we were going through infertility, I had several other friends I met online who were going through the same thing.  Some of them still have empty arms.  I pray for them often.   I have two amazing boys whom I adore, a wonderful family, amazing friends, a supportive church family, a beautiful home and a job that I enjoy so much if I had enough money, I'd do it for free.  Most importantly, I have a Savior and God that loves me to the core of my being and has been closer than a friend.  I could have nothing but Christ and that's all I need.  He has supplied me with abundant blessings.  Praise God for His faithfulness and His work in my life.

When I murmur and complain, I need to be reminded to look at how God has blessed me.  So, if you see me in real life or online and I'm complaining, please rebuke me and set me straight.  Help me to get the focus off of me and everything I don't have and to focus on God, others and all that I've been blessed with.  I'm serious about this.

God Bless!

Snotty kisses, giggles and cuddles

My boys were up wayyyy too early this morning.  Joey woke up at around 5:30 and came downstairs and crawled in bed with me.  Danny was woke up at 6:00 a.m. and came downstairs and crawled in bed with us.  We all were starting to doze back off and I thought, "Awesome!!  Another hour of sleep."  And then Bear decided to join the party.  Of course, there's no going back to sleep when there's an 11 week kitten attacking your feet, hair, jammies and anything else that you can get to move.  The boys took turns screeching and diving under the covers as Bear approached.

I'll have to be honest, I was NOT amused.  I was so excited that they both quietly got in bed with me and then the darn cat had to break the reverie.  Why did I think getting a kitten was a good idea again?  I know that he is stinkin' adorable and he loves to cuddle and purr loudly in my ear when I'm sleeping, but wanting to play at 6:00 a.m. when we could have slept another hour.  Grrr...

I was so tired that I closed my eyes and listened to my boys shriek and giggle.  I started to think "How many more mornings do I have like this?"  Danny just turned four and Joey is six.  When does it start to be uncool to get in bed  mom and play and giggle with brother?   When will I think it's disgusting that brother puts his arm around me and says, "I love you?"  When will I start to feel uncomfortable giving mom kisses in the morning?  Will I have 10 more mornings like this, 20, 5????  Only God knows.

What I do know is that time is passing way too fast.  Just yesterday we were bringing Joey home from the hospital.  How can it be that he's going into first grade?  And how can it be that my baby is going into Pre-K?  I keep telling them that they can stop growing anytime, but they don't listen to me.

So, instead of being angry or upset with my kids, I laid in my bed enjoying the snotty kisses, silly giggles and warm cuddles.  I savored each one of them because before long my boys will be grown up and I will no longer have that experience.  Praise God for every early morning cuddle even if I'm exhausted.  I can sleep after my sons are married.  For now, give me every second I can get with them.

"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven"  ~Ecclesiastes 3:1

The Adventures of Buddy and Bear

We have a new kitten that Joey named Bear because he is all black like a little black bear.  Well, the kitten scared the daylights out of me this morning.  He has slept with me every single night since he's been home. Last night, he didn't cuddle with me like he normally does.  I didn't think too much about it, but at 4 a.m. when I got up to help Joey reconstruct his bed because his blankets were on the floor, I didn't see bear anywhere.  I called to him and no kitten.  I woke up at 7 a.m. and still didn't see him.  I started to panic.  I looked under my bed, no Bear.  I went into the boys rooms, no Bear.  I started to get nervous.  I went down into the basement and couldn't find the kitten.  I then really got nervous.  I started to think "What if he got outside?" I went outside and started calling for the kitten.  There were golfers already on the course behind my house walking by wondering what the crazy woman in the Mickey Mouse Jammies was doing. I went back inside and was so sad that I was going to have to tell the kids that the cat was missing.   Joey came downstairs first and asked where the cat was.  I had to tell him that I didn't know.  He helped me start to look for the cat.  We went upstairs and went into Danny's room.  Danny was just waking up and we could see something moving under Danny's covers.  Lo and behold, Bear popped out of the covers.  He had slept with Danny all night last night.  Little bugger!

I decided to take Bear outside for the first time today.  Here are some pictures from his big adventure.  Buddy accompanied Bear and watched him to make sure he stayed out of trouble.

Some days are just tough

Not to be Debbie Downer or anything because yesterday's post was pretty heavy, but today was a really tough day.  It started this morning with a lunatic screaming at me.  I had just dropped Danny off at daycare and was getting on the interstate and the car in front of me was going really slow.  I pulled out to pass it and apparently there was a small red truck in my blind spot.  I had already started into the other lane when he laid on his horn.  At that point, I was already passing the car in front of me, so I couldn't really get back over into the other lane.  The guy behind must have hit the gas because next thing I know he was riding my tail hard, laying on his horn.  I pulled over and he pulled in behind me, so I started to get off at the next exit.  As we were stopped at the traffic light, he got out of his car and came up to mine.  He started calling me every inappropriate name you could imagine and that started dropping the F-Bomb.  I told him that I was sorry and I didn't see him and he kept swearing at me.  I had already taken, my cell phone out and at that point I asked him if he would like me to call them police to help us sort this out.  He again swore at me.  I told him that I had a young child in that back that shouldn't be listening to that type of language and if he didn't get back in his vehicle I would dial 911.  At that point he got back in his car.  I got his license number just in case he continued to follow me.  He continued on his merry way, but Joey and I were both a bit shaken up.  Joey made me relive the story to everyone we met.  If you think of it, please pray for this man.  If he doesn't deal with this anger, it's going to turn into bitterness and then hate.  Maybe he should have read yesterday's post.

Then, I had some other things that happened in my personal life that  were really distressing to me.  I just kept thinking that if I had my dad, he would help me deal with these things.  He always had such a logical way of looking at things and he knew me better than anyone else.  He's not here to give me advice and I really, really feel like I'm floundering in my life.  My number one support is gone and I'm having to try to stand on my own to feet and it's really, really tough.  Even though I was 40 when dad died, I still feel very much like his little girl.  Whenever I needed help solving any problem, daddy was there and would help me think through my actions and the possible consequences.  He's not here now and I feel like I'm totally lost.  I miss his love and guidance so, so much.  This is incredibly tough.

So, please keep me and the boys in your prayers.  God is good and I'm having to totally rely on him to be my Husband, Father and Healer.

"Then I said to you, "Do not be terrified; do not be afraid of them. The LORD your God, who is going before you, will fight for you, as he did for you in Egypt, before your very eyes, and in the desert. There you saw how the LORD your God carried you, as a father carries his son, all the way you went until you reached this place." Deut. 1:20-31

Anger, Bitterness and Hate

Anger is a surface emotion.  It's like when you fall down and scrape your knee.  It's our first and immediate reaction to a situation that hurts us or is wrong or that hurts someone else that we love. Like a scrape, if you don't clean it out and let it heal, it will become infected and fester.   I am angry when someone hurts my kids.  The mama bear in me has been known to want to punch someone lights out, but I would seldom react that way.  I feel anger when someone hurts me.  I have been hurt over and over again in the last 8 months and I admit it, I am angry.  I think anger can be compounded when the person that does the hurting doesn't take responsibility for that hurt.  They blame that hurt all on you.  Eventually, you either believe their lies or that anger turns into something bitterness.

Bitterness is a disbelief in the fact that the anger will ever end or that the person who hurt you will ever understand how much they've truly hurt you.  Bitterness has a tendency to fester in your soul.  It's like a sharp thorn that keeps pricking you and drawing blood.  No matter what you do or how you move, that bitterness keeps resurfacing and poking at your soul.  You try to get away from the bitterness by distracting yourself and doing other things.  Some people do things that are unhealthy, like they might drink, do drugs or find another way to numb the pain.  You simply want to the pain to go away, so you are willing to do anything other than removing that thorn to get the pain to stop.  Eventually, your pain becomes constant and where that thorn has punctured your skin,  you start to build scar tissue.  That scar tissue turns into hate.

Hate is one of the strongest emotions that you can have, but it's also the most difficult to get rid of.  It's like a thick layer of scar tissue on your soul.  You start to feel nothing but negative feelings toward the person that hurt you.  No matter what they do, positive or negative, you feel nothing other than hatred or numbness and it is such and intense negative feeling that when others try to talk with you in love and in truth about the situation, you no longer can see the logic in it.

The Bible strongly warns about these feelings and how we should deal with them.  Forgiveness is the key to combatting these feelings.  The Bible says that we need to forgive 70 times 7 times when someone wrongs you.  I never understood this before, but I do now.  I have been wronged over and over again and that person doesn't understand that he's done wrong.  He feels that I should forgive and forget and we should pick our lives up like nothing ever happened, but that's just not possible.  Without trust, it's hard to have a loving relationship.

What I can do, is to love him and pray for him and hope that the Lord will completely change his life.  I can already see some changes, but I also still see things that make me wonder where his heart truly lies.  All I know is that I can't hold on to these feelings of anger, bitterness and hate anymore.  I don't like what it does to my soul.  I need to have love, joy, peace, faithfulness, kindess, compassion and self control in my heart.  This way, my life can be fulfilled not matter what else is done to me.  I know that God is in control and will honor my walk with Him.

Two words -- Grocery Shopping

It was a rainy day here, so we really didn't do a whole lot.  We stayed in our jammies until noon, ate leftover blueberry pancakes and watched cartoons on the tube.  I have to say that I don't like most of my kids TV shows, but I laughed really, really hard at Phineas and Ferb this morning.  I read, wrote and dozed.  It was really a very, very nice day until I realized (insert ominous music here) that we were running out of milk and juice.  (Dun, dun dah...)  So I grudgingly showered, got the kids dressed, made a shopping list (which I never stick to) and we headed to the grocery store.

We started the trip fairly successfully.  We picked out the shopping cart that has a kid-sized car attached to it.  Danny "drove" the car and Joey decided he was going to push.  We got into the vegetable aisle and all I needed was corn, carrots, peppers and bananas.  It took us 20 minutes to get those items.  You see, I timed the trip wrong.  Moms everywhere know this.  Timing is EVERYTHING.  Because I didn't see our milk/juice shortage until I made lunch and we had a dr.'s appointment in the later afternoon,  I had no choice.  If I wanted to get the shopping done today, it had to be during naptime.  Ugh!

Joey decided that it would be loads of fun to pretend Danny was a race car driver and then push him up and down the aisles as fast as he could.  Of course, this was fun for them both until they almost knocked over a small child walking with his mother.  I then had to pull Joey's driver's license and take over the driving duties.

We continued on our shopping expedition and had to stop at the bakery for the free cookie.  While I really appreciate that all grocery stores offer the complimentary free cookie to each of my children, I just question why they couldn't offer a free apple or bag of grapes instead.  My children do not need any more sugar than necessary and once they have their free cookie, they keep begging for another and another or even better, they want to buy a package of cookies to take home.

Then we went to the fish counter.  I've had a hankering for some grilled fish, so I wanted to look at the salmon.  As I was looking, the boys were fascinated by the lobsters.  If you don't live in this part of the country, let me explain.  We have a fish tank full of live lobsters in each and every grocery story.  It is sort of like going to the aquarium as you're buying your fish.  They lobsters crawl over each other and all around the tank.  Danny then decides he's going to place an order and asks the man at the fish counter if he could get the 4 lbs lobster for him to take home.  He told the man that he was going to name him Nemo.  At 8.99 per pound, that would make Nemo worth about $36.  We were not  buying a $36 lobster to put in a fish tank that we don't have so he could have a pet.  I tried to convince him that kitten's make much better pets than lobsters and he had a new kitten at home.  He wasn't convinced and proceeded to have a minor melt down on the way to the meat department.

In the meat department, Danny was fascinated by the hamburger.  I was looking over the chicken the next cooler over and when I went back to the meat, I notice that several of the packages had little fingerprints poked through the plastic into the meat.  Good thing they were having a special on ground chuck because we now have a whole freezer full of it.

After we got our meat, we finished up with the last few items that I needed to buy.  We had a spill buying pickles and had to call for a clean-up on aisle 11.  Joey tried to "help"me and dropped a jar of sweet gherkins as he was slam dunking it into my cart.  He told me after that he thought that it was plastic.  Ummm... No...

We wisely passed by the eggs even though I really should have bought some and went into dairy.  I noticed that Danny was acting sneakingly suspicious and then I noticed that he had opened a small container of chocolate milk.  "I was firsty" he told me.  So I told that it was not okay and I needed to have the carton.  He grudgingly handed it to me and then got upset as I tried to squeeze his pudgy legs into the front of the shopping cart.  He really is too big for the seat, but I had no other alternative at this point.

We finished our shopping expedition and checked out, had a minor meltdown in the car on the way home because they couldn't have the cookies that they begged me to buy after getting the free deli cookies.

I hope that after reading this you don't think that my kids are poorly behaved because we have had several shopping trips with absolutely no incidences where they've been angels.  They were just tired, I timed the trip poorly and I pushed my luck by trying to do a full shopping trip when I should have just run in for juice and milk.

Thank goodness my cousin Kelsie was at the house when I returned home and helped me get the kids in the house and the groceries put away.  She stayed with Joey while I took Danny to his appointment.  Kelsie is the bomb!!

Today ended well.  Kids were in bed by 7:30, asleep by 8:00 and I am chillaxing and about to watch a movie.

Life is good.

On Being Content

It is hard to be content in our current situation.  It seems we always want what we cannot have and as human beings, we live our lives thinking "If I only had this" or "If I only had that."  We are never content in the moment unless maybe we are lying on a beach somewhere soaking up the rays as the cool ocean breezes blow gently in our hair and they we think, "If only it could be like this forever."

I have had to learn lately to be content in my current situation.  I won't lie to you.  Being a single parent of two very, very busy boys is really, really hard.  It's exhausting and never ending.  You never get a moment to yourself.  As a matter of fact, as I type this, I have a 6 year old screeching in the living room and a 4 year old playing trucks on my bed.  As I typed this sentence, they both asked for a cookie.  I'm sure by the time I get to the end of this entry, I will have had many more interruptions.  As a matter of fact, I just had to break up a fight over a cookie and put one of my children in time out for being sassy.  See what I mean, my job never ends.

As difficult and as challenging as it is to single parent, I am content.  I adore my boys and I love my life.  It is not the way I envisioned it, but God's plans seldom are our plans.  My life is so full and rich.  God is such an amazing Father, Husband, Provider, Healer, Creator, Maker, Lover of my Soul and Friend.  How can my life be anything other than full and rich?  Even If I had nothing, He is all I need to have a wonderful life.

This morning in church, our Pastor taught from 1 Corinthians 7.   A lot of the message really spoke to me, but the part that stood out the most was that if you remain single, you can focus on the Lord and not have to divide your attention between the Lord and your spouse.  Of course as a single parent, my attention needs to be focused on the Lord and my children, but I have been so blessed these last few months to be able to spend so much more time with the Lord.  God has shown me so much and I have grown in leaps and bounds.  My relationship with Him is stronger than it has ever been. As wonderful as this is, my flesh was still adamantly opposing the thought at being single for the rest of my life.  As the pastor was teaching, I was screaming in my head "NO GOD, I DON'T WANT TO BE SINGLE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.  I WANT A GODLY MAN WHO WILL LOVE YOU, LOVE ME AND LOVE MY KIDS.  PLEASE, PLEASE DON'T LET ME BE SINGLE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE."  Just as that thought came through my head, I heard a still, small voice whispering.  "My child, my grace is sufficient for thee."  Again, I started to argue, but I realized that it was pointless.

The Bible is right.  God's grace should be all that I need.  If I am looking for anyone or anything to fill that hole or that void in my life, I will never find what I need.  All I need is God.  He loves me and will care for me more than anyone or anything else ever could.  My relationship with Him is sufficient.  If he does choose to bless me with a Godly man someday than that's a bonus.  In the mean time, I need to focus solely on my walk with the Lord and how much He loves me.  That is truly all I need.  Everything else is simply a demonstration of His love for me.  God's love and grace is all I need and I need to remember that each day.

And He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.  ~2 Corinthians 1:29

Family

  

What does the word family mean to you?  I'm just curious as to what other people think of when they think of family.  I have recently changed my entire perception of the word.  I used to think that your family consisted of the people you were either related to by blood or by legal procedure.  For example, I was born into a family that consisted of my mom, dad, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.  I am so blessed to have been born into an incredible family.  I loved spending time during my childhood at my grandparents houses with my cousins.  We had incredible family holidays and just enjoyed each other's company.

When I grew up, my family was extended by my marriage.  I married and my husband became part of my family and then he and I adopted our children.  I am not related by blood to any of these people, but for the past 6 years, it has felt like we were a family and none of us is related by blood. 

Now, my nuclear family will be myself and my boys.  My boys will also have a family with themselves and their father and whomever else he seeks to have in his life.  My boys have grandparents, aunts and uncles and cousins on their father's side.  I love my in-laws.  I am sad that my marriage is coming to an end, however, I know that they will always be a part of my family.  The one thing we will always have in common is my wonderful children.  I am so glad that my husband has a sister and step-sisters and a stepbrother.  This will give my children aunts, uncles and cousins.  As an only child, I was always worried that my children would never have cousins.  I was so close to my cousins growing up and they were such an important part of my childhood that I desperately wanted my children to have the same experience.

I realized today that they will that experience from me as well.  We went to a birthday party for my friend Jen's son today.  I realized when I was there that I was truly a part of this family.  Jen's mother has listened to me as I've struggled with going through divorce.  I told Jen the last time I got off the phone with her mother that I felt like I was speaking with my own mother.  Jen has always been like a sister to me and her kids have always felt like my neice and nephew.  Jen's sister Trish has always felt like a sister to me as well and I adore her children.  As a matter of fact, Joey loves Trish's son so much he cried in the car on the way home tonight.  He asked over and over again when they could see each other again.  They are truly my family and I love them very much.

I also have a church family.  When my husband and I separated, I received so much support and love from my church family.  God provided people I could talk with when I needed someone to lend an ear, he provided help with moving and things that needed to be done around the house and most importantly, he provided people to pray for me and with me.  My church family is INCREDIBLE!!  I love each and everyone one of them very much.

I feel that the people I work with also make up my family.  I am privileged to work with an incredibly loving and compassionate faculty who has proven over and over again that they are truly family.  Last year when I was ill and had to be hospitalized for a weird stomach virus, one of my colleagues came to my house in the middle of the night to watch my kids so I could go by ambulance to the ER.  The next day they had arranged transportation and child care for my kids so I didn't have to worry about a thing.  They prepared meals for me and assured that someone would be at with me when I came home from the hospital.  They are amazing and I love each and everyone of them very much.

The last way God has provided for me is my Bonus Mom Barbara.  Most people would call her a step mom, but she's more than that.  I call her my Bonus Mom because that's exactly what she is.  Sandra Pratt was my mom and no one could ever take her place.  Barbara understands that completely, however, Barbara has become a very special mother to me and that's why I call her my Bonus Mom because that's exactly what she is.  A bonus is something positive that happens that you weren't expecting.  I was never expecting to have another mother figure in my life and now I have Barbara, Jen's mother Judy and my aunt Maggie.  Each one of them fills a small part of the void my mom left when she went to heaven.  I love each one of them very, very much!

God is certainly amazing.  I've spoken lately about God's provision in my life.  Like Job, I feel that God has taken so much from me.  In the past 10 years, I have lost 3 grandparents, both parents and my husband.  I have never had biological siblings, so my closest biological relatives are aunts, uncles, cousins and one grandmother.  However, I have an amazing and vast extended family.  Family is so much more than people that share your blood line or people that you are related to by law.  Your family is made up of people that care deeply about your well being and are willing to provide emotional, physical and spiritual support when you need it most.  Praise God for my family!!


"Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends."  ~John 15:13

Friday the 13th -- My lucky day

I am not superstitious about this day in the least, but coincidentally, today has been another crazy day that had a really nice ending.  We woke up this morning and the boys played with Bear most of the morning.  It is amazing what one tiny creature can do for the mood of a normally grumpy 6 year old.  Danny loves Bear but is not obsessed by him.  Joey, however, adores this kitten and the kitten adores him.  Several times today, Bear just climbed up in Joey's lap and fell asleep.  When he wasn't sleeping, he was raising a raucous in our home, so his personality is much like Joey's.  That's probably why they get along so well.

I had two former students who are sisters come to watch Joey today while I went to bring Danny to a doctor's appointment and then to get my hair cut.  The doctor's appointment went well and then I was on my way to get my hair cut when the AC/Heat would not turn on in my car.  There was absolutely no fan working in the temperature control mechanism.  Fabulous.   At least, it was a beautiful day so I could put the windows down.

I called the babysitters and asked if they could watch Joey a little while longer so I could get my car fixed.  I got my hair cut by the fabulous Felicia at JC Penney's at the Bangor Mall.  If you are in the Bangor area and need a hairstylist, she gets my top rating.  She is truly a miracle worker.  She asked what I wanted and I said short and sassy.  That's what I got and I LOVE it.

My next stop was over to Swett's Automotive.  I pulled the car in and explained the problem and they said that they'd take a look.  Two and a half hours later, they came out and said that all of my fuses were checking out fine, but there was one $16 part that was suspiciously warm and they suspected that was the culprit.  They reported that this part frequently wears out and they think that it could be what caused my fan to fail, however, the fan was currently working.  They wanted to know what I wanted to do, so I had the replace the part since I was there.  In my mind, I did some quick calculations:  2.5 hours@$77/hr. and they weren't even sure of the problem.  Ummm... but it was working now, so I was happy about that.  In about 10 minutes they reported that the part was replaced and everything appeared to be working.  I was expect a bill of around $200.  The technician came out and said, "That will be $76.16".  I actually said "Are you sure?" and he said "absolutely".  Okay, you don't have to tell me again.  This is the second time in the last year I've been to Swett's and both times, I feel they have treated me more than fairly.  Kudos!!

I then got Danny and went home.  By this time my wonderful friend Lori had come over to play with Joey since my babysitters had to go home.  I visited with her a few minutes and then put the kids in the car to head down to my former church, Calvary Chapel Trenton.  It was about a 45 minute drive.  Just outside of Brewer, the traffic slowed way down and we saw a man rolling a HUGE ball that looked like the planet Earth on the side of the road.  It had backed traffic up for about 2 miles.  I was curious as to what this was, so I did a Google search and I found this on YouTube.  This is definitely the same Planet Earth ball that I saw.  I have no clue what it was for, but it certainly slowed everyone down to take notice.  Weird.

We arrived in Trenton and I got to visit with my CC Trenton church family. I have missed everyone soooo much!  I love my CC Bangor/Orrington family, but it was so nice to be able to visit with you all again.  What a blessing and my kids had a fabulous time.  They had their faces painted.  Joey was a Tiger and Danny was a dog.  They both went to bed with their masks on tonight because they didn't want to take them off.  Hopefully they will wash off in the shower in the morning.

Today had the potential to be a very bad day, but it turned out to be lovely.  God knew my needs and again was faithful to provide for everything today.  From the little things like my fabulous hair stylist to the big things like the fact my car could have cost me a lot of $$, He provided for me.  He provided wonderful people to care for my kids so I could get things done.  He gave me a good laugh with the man rolling the giant Earth ball.  (If we were created in God's image, He must have quite a sense of humor.) He also gave me the gift of fellowship with so many people in my last church family.  I would never have known about it if it wasn't posted on FaceBook.  Fellowship is so important in a Christian walk.  At the event at the church, He also provided wonderful teaching with Aaron Dudley.  I hadn't had a chance to really read my Bible today as Danny was up at 5 a.m. so he could play with Bear, so I was blessed enough to hear some wonderful teaching.

God does this for me everyday.  He provides in so many ways that I can't count.  I can't help but be in awe for all that He does for me.  Praise Him for His provision.

"And my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus."  Phillipians 4:19

The Things you do for Love

After my cat Dulcie who was with me for 15 years passed away this past spring, I said that I would never get another cat again.  I love cats and have had them for my whole life, but pets can be a lot of work and responsibility.  Considering the stress I've had in my life, the last thing I felt I needed was another responsibility, however, when we saw a certain little black kitten, Joey fell in love.  This little kitten captured his heart and I think Joey captured this kitten's heart as well.  Joey named this kitten Bear because he looks like a little black bear.  Bear and Joey instantly bonded.  As a matter of fact, in the car on the way home, the kitten snuggled up on Joey's lap and purred.  Tonight, when the kitten was exhausted on the couch, he cuddled up to Joey and fell sound asleep.  He has followed Joey around all day and wanted to sleep in his bed tonight, but I thought that might be too much of a distraction, so the kitten will be downstairs with me.

So as I sit here tonight on the couch with my boys asleep upstairs, I wonder again what I've done.  I will only need to wake up in the morning and see the smiles on my boys faces and the laughter and the joy to know that the extra responsibility is worth it.  Their smiles will be worth the 15 year commitment that I made today.

Joey introducing you to Bear.

Lost

Today was a day where we dealt with many lost things.  It actually started last night with Danny.  Yesterday, we set up an imaginary campground in our upstairs closet.  We put down a quilt and folded it over and Danny pretend to sleep in his "tent".  In the closet we also had an imaginary lake where he could go swimming and an area for a campfire.  (We have a pretty big upstairs closet.)  While we were playing, Danny found a blankie that he used to call his "taggy" when he was a baby.  He hasn't slept with this blanket since he was probably a year and a half, but he carried it around with him all day yesterday.  At bed time last night, he couldn't find his taggy and he told me that he couldn't sleep without it.  Of course, he was asleep in about 5 minutes, but there were a few minutes of tears until he talked me into lying down beside him.


After he went to sleep, I went downstairs and looked everywhere.  No taggy.  It was very, very odd.  So, I went to bed and got up fairly early this morning to get ready to get our new fridge.  I wanted to get Danny dropped off at daycare before the refrigerator delivery people came, so we got an early start.  I realized after I got home that there was no wallet in my purse.  I had my debit card, but the rest of my wallet was missing.  Again, I scoured the house and could not find the wallet.


The fridge was delivered and the old working fridge is now in my garage.  It's very convenient to have a fridge that is only for soda and water conveniently located so all of the neighborhood children can help themselves.  (That will come to an end tomorrow when I put a lock on it.)  After I stocked that fridge with water, I started looking for my cell phone which was now lost as well.  Again,  I looked everywhere and could not find it.


After this third incident, I thought "Hmm... maybe God is trying to tell me something here."  Because I had such an early start in the day, I hadn't sat down and read my Bible and prayed like I do every morning.  Suspecting that I probably should do that, I took my Bible to my back yard under my favorite tree and started to read.  This is the verse that jumped out at me.  "O LORD, you are my lamp. The LORD lights up my darkness." ~ 2 Samuel 22:29

I got thinking that none of those objects were really lost, they are just in places and God hadn't revealed to me where they are yet.  He hasn't lit my path to them yet.  I know, I know, sort of a corny way of looking at it, right? They were lost to me, but they weren't lost to God and that's a HUGE difference because God can do anything.  If He wants me to find the objects, I will and if He doesn't it's because it's not in His will for me to find them.  So instead of fretting about it, I just prayed about it and went on with my day.  I was still fairly diligent about looking for the objects, but I was no longer in panic mode.  I had a peace that everything would be found or I would have to do a lot of errands tomorrow to get it all replaced.  If that were the case then God would have me run around for Him.  Maybe I would meet someone that I would pray for or maybe someone that I needed to help would cross my path as I sat at the DMV waiting to get my new license.   I started to have an excitement about why I lost these things instead of a dread that they were gone.  God was going to have me go on a mission for HIM.  It really changed my outlook on my day and my mood.  I was thinking, "Hey God, what are you up to now?" instead of "Why me?"


Within 5 minutes of praying, I found both the cell phone and the wallet.  The cell phone was in my bed which was made.  I don't really know how it could have gotten there, but as I was sitting on my bed it started to vibrate.  I jumped about a foot in the air and then I realized someone was calling me.  The wallet was under some dirty towels that I used to clean out the fridge.  Then, we found Danny's taggy just before dinner.  He had left it outside under the porch.  It was a little dirty, but he didn't care.  (I will wash it tomorrow.)





I think sometimes our lives can be like lost objects.  We feel lost, but God knows exactly where we are and where we are going.  You can think of it like you're on a path and it's totally dark outside.  He sometimes gives you a powerful lantern so you can see quite a ways in front of you and sometimes He only gives you a birthday candle and you can barely see your own feet.  Either way, you're not lost, you do the best with what you're given.


Because my life is so up in the air right now, on most days, I feel a little lost.  I feel like I am on a path and I have a match stick to light my way and it keeps going out.  Then I pray and God lights a little more of my path and I keep walking.  But, like the objects that were found today, I know that I am somewhere.  I am in God's plan and until I find my way, I need to trust that He will guide me.  I may feel lost in my own heart, but I know that God knows where I am and where I'm going and that's all that matters.  It's not that I will be found.  I am found and I am loved and cherished by my Creator.

Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

What started out as a perfect, wonderful, awesome, excellent day turned into somewhat of a nightmare.  The boys and I woke up, got dressed and I made homemade blueberry muffins with streusal topping.  They were (to quote Rachel Ray) delish!!  We at our breakfast on the back porch in the glorious sunshine.  I sipped my coffee and thought about how good God is.  After we ate, the boys took their plates in to the sink and came back outside.  We played outside for over an hour.  No fighting, no arguing.  Just peace and joy.  The type of day a mom DREAMS about.

Then, like a light switch was flipped, the day turned upside down.  Danny decided that he was going to make lunch.  I helped him to get the lunch meat out of the fridge and noticed it was warm.  I felt all of the things in the fridge...  warm, warm, warm.  I looked in the freezer and the ice cream had started to melt.  Ughh!!!  My fridge was dead.   I did some calling and found out that all of the repair people in our area were busy until Monday.  After more calling, I was able to procure a working fridge, but it couldn't be delivered until tomorrow.  So I got out all of my coolers, ran to the store to get ice and proceeded to pack everything perishable in coolers.

By this time, I was really starting to stress out and I think the boys could feel it because they started fighting, arguing and generally being nasty to one another and to me.  I started to get a stomache ache and was fighting back the tears.  I know that cleaning out the fridge doesn't seem like a huge job, but when you are supporting a family of 3 on limited resources, losing a fridge full of food is a scary thought.  Of course, the more I started to panic, the nastier the boys got to one another.  Then I had a brilliant idea...  I would post my dilemma on Facebook.  Within minutes, I had people calling me and offering to help me.  A woman whom I had never met in real life came to my rescue.  She is a neighbor of my cousin Kelsie.  Kelsie has told me that she thought that we would be fast friends as we have so much in common and she was so right.  Eileen came over and started helping me clean and she and I talked and talked and talked.  She and I are living parallel lives.  What a comfort to be able to meet with someone who really, really understands what I'm going through.

After cleaning out the fridge and packing it, miraculously it kicked on again.  I decided to stay with my original plan to have a new fridge put in as the old one is definitely not reliable.

While Eileen and I were visiting, my friend from church, Sarah called.  She told me that her husband Daniel had been thinking about seeing if Joey and Danny wanted to play tonight after he got out of work.  My kids adore Daniel and Sarah so I told her yes, yes, yes!!  They came over and played with the boys and helped to retrieve Joey's remote control airplane from the neighbor's roof.

After looking back on my "Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day", I realized that it wasn't so terrible after all.  It maybe was a little stressful, well okay,  a lot stressful, but God certainly provided above and beyond what I needed.  He gave me a phenomenal morning with my boys.  He provided me with a working fridge to replace that the one that died.  He gave me a new friend who really understands what I'm going through.  He gave the kids a fabulous male role model to rough house with and to help us get the airplane down.  And then tonight ended very well.  We had dinner, the boys took baths and I got to get outside to shoot an amazing sunset.  Danny fell asleep in my arms and Joey fell asleep cuddled beside me.

I think perspective has a lot to do with how we view the quality of our lives.  I allowed my perspective to be skewed while I was stressed out, however, when I look back on the circumstances, I realize that all of my needs were provided.  The day may not have gone exactly how I envisioned it this morning, but it ended with me seeing how good God is and how He is in control and is taking care of me.  Praise God for his goodness.

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.” Psalm 46:1

Date Night

Tonight was date night at our house.  Eat your heart out ladies...  I had not one, but two men as escorts tonight.  They were both short, dark and extremely handsome.  Our date started with me making them dinner.  We had grilled asparagus, grilled steelhead trout and fresh, sweet corn on the cob.  They both helped me to set the table and then were wonderful company, however, half way through our romantic dinner there was a knock on the door.  One of my older companions friend's who lives next door came over.  I wasn't jealous in the least so we invited her in to visit with us as we ate.

As soon as we were done, we got ready to go to the movies.  Toy Story 3 was the movie of choice and it was a great choice.  My dates scored HUGE brownie points with this movie as it was sort of a chick flick.  I even cried and had two young men to comfort me.   When we left for the movies, I explained to both boys how a woman should be treated on a date.  I dressed up for them, put makeup and perfume on and then made them tell me that I looked lovely.  (Well, Joey's words were "You look okay, Mama.")  Danny told me I smelled pretty.  I then explained that since we were on a date they were to open and hold doors for me and they were to pay for everything.  I gave them both $10.  Danny paid for our tickets and Joey paid for the refreshments.  We sat down in the theater and I had each boy on either side of me.  About halfway through the movie, Danny reached over and held my hand.  I just about melted.  Toward the end where the movie got a little intense/scary, Joey snuggled into my side and I put my arm around him.  At the end of the movie, where it got sappy and I cried, both boys put their arms around me.  When we were done, we went to the arcade and played a few video games before leaving.

After we got home, they went right to bed, but we started to have a thunderstorm so all three of us got into Danny's bed because he has the best view in the house and we just cuddled.  Danny soon fell asleep, so I brought Joey to his room.  As I went to leave, he told me that he'd had a great day with me.  He asked how much I love him and we started our normal game of stating our love for one another.  It goes some thing like this, "I love you more than all the stars in the sky."  And then the next person tries to outdo the other by saying, "I love you more than every grain of sand on every beach and in every desert on the whole earth." And so on...   We always end by saying, "I can't even put into words how much I love you."  And it is so true.  My love for my boys is that deep.

I think that it's important to teach my boys at an early age how to treat a woman.  I may be old fashioned, but I feel that they need to know that women are created different then men and need to be treated differently.  Don't get me wrong, I love to wrestle and play with my boys, but they also need to know that I have an emotional side that needs to be nurtured.  Someday when they are 50 and they go on their first dates, they need to know that men should show a woman she is special by the little things like holding doors, paying for the date, complimenting the woman's appearance respectfully, being polite, etc.  I really don't think that enough young boys are taught those skills today.  You see, I want my boys to wait for that woman that is of exceptional character.  If I expect that, I know that my boys need to be of exceptional character as well.  Developing that character starts early.  So we will go on dates and I will give instruction as to how a woman should be treated and hopefully, they will learn and will someday be able to use these simple lessons from their mom and then teach these lessons to their children.  God willing,  I will be a proud grandmother in the future and will be able to tell my grandchildren about the "date nights" I used to take their dads on.  One can only pray.

Who ya gonna call? Bee busters!

I was so proud of myself that I was able to plant and somewhat maintain a garden with vegetables this year.  On Friday, I decided to water my cucumbers as they aren't growing very well.  It seems like everyone around me has great cukes and mine are about the size of those sweet baby gherkin pickles.  That would be okay if I knew how to make pickles, but seeing that I don't, summer is almost over (sigh) and I really want cucumbers, I decided to try watering them.   (Novel idea, I know).  Well, as I was watering the cucumbers, I got stung by a honeybee.  OUCH!!  I didn't think much of it, but Friday night we had friends over and two of them got stung.  As we looked to where the kids were playing, I noticed that I have honeybees living between the boards that surround my garden.  Great.  Just what I need!  I have a child that is allergic to just about everything.  There's no way I'm going to let him play around them until I get rid of those bees.  I spoke with my step-mom and she suggested that I call the University of Maine Cooperative Extension.   The Cooperative Extension is a department of the University who's goal is to put the practical research being done at the University out into the community as a public service since UMaine is a public land grant university.  I'm hoping that someone in agriculture or gardening and horticulture might want my bees.  Maybe they will remove my honeybees and then they can take them some place to pollenate someone else's crops.

I never would have thought of calling the University to take advantage of this resource if it wasn't for my mom.  I wonder how often we do that as people.  We have a problem, the solution is right in front of us and we just don't know where to go or what questions to ask to get the answers.  I know that I am often that way with God.  I have a problem and I don't take advantage of Him as my first resource.   I try to do it all myself first.  I think, "I can handle this.  I can solve this myself."  Invariably, I make an even bigger mess of the problem when I do this, however, if I pray and leave the solution to God, He always finds a much better way to solve the problem than I ever could.  Over the last several months, I have been presented with many, many problems.  Because I didn't have a clue how to handle them, I often went to the Lord the first thing.  It has literally blown my mind at how God has solved so many problems for me.  Things just fell into place, resources were found and people crossed my path that had specific knowledge to help me with my problems.  It has really taught me to step out in faith more.  God is an amazing problem solver if we just have faith to trust Him with our issues.  Now, that doesn't mean that you should just sit back and let God do everything.  For example, if you have a leaky faucet, you shouldn't just sit around the house eating chocolate thinking that God will fix the faucet for you, but you should pray, make some effort to find someone to help or to figure out how to do it yourself and God will be sure you have the resources.

I'm so glad that I serve a God is interested in helping me with even the smallest details of my life.  He certainly is an awesome God who wants us to have all we need.

But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him.  ~James 1:5

Feelings, nothing more than feelings.

Do you remember that old 70's song by Morris Albert?  The first verse said:
Feelings, nothing more than feelings
Trying to forget my feelings of love
Teardrops rolling down on my face
Trying to forget my feelings of love


Well, it's 1:00 a.m. and I'm having a hard time sleeping, so I'm going to talk a little about feelings and single parenting.  Most of the time I have WONDERFUL days with my children.  As frustrating as their behaviors can sometimes be, I truly and honestly enjoy, adore and love being around my children.  I think that's what makes going through divorce so difficult.  I don't want to lose a second with them, but the reality is that if we have joint custody of the kids, there will be times when they won't be with me.  Having gone through infertility, that makes this even more difficult.  I prayed so hard for my children and I love them so, so much, thinking about missing even a second with them is very difficult.  At the same time, I do want to acknowledge that I'm sure my soon to be ex husband feels the same way.  That's what makes this so tough.  After being married for 15 years, I still care about his feelings.  I definitely care about my kids and want them to have a relationship with their dad, but I also don't want to miss any time with them.  So, I'm really torn up inside over all of this.

I'm also having a hard time dealing with loneliness.  Several of my friends have encouraged me to start looking around and possibly dating, but I really don't think that's wise until you are legally divorced.  I know that there are others that have no problem with this once you're separated if there's no chance for reconciliation.  But, I just don't feel that's in God's will.  I promised to be faithful and no matter what else, I keep my promises no matter what other's choose to do.

Tonight, after the kids were asleep, I was laying on my bed crying and praying and just having a plain old pity party.  Why me?  Why am I alone?  Why does this hurt so much?  Why, why, why?  And the answer I got was "Why not you?"  There have been so many people in this world that have gone through so much worse, why do I think I'm different.  Jesus himself was totally and completely innocent.   He never once did anything toward anyone else that was anything but loving.  Even when he got angry and turned over the tables of the money changers in the temple it was because he wanted them to live their lives the right way, not cheating the poor and the widows that would come to them.  Every one of His actions personified God's love for us.  Yet, He still knew the most excruciating pain a human has ever felt.  He was mocked, beaten, spit upon, scourged and crucified and yet He was completely innocent.  His innocent blood was shed to pay the price for the rest of us to have a way to be with God the Father in heaven some day.  If Jesus was completely innocent and He went through unthinkable pain, how can I wallow in my pain.  While I acknowledge that I have very real pain, I'm not going to dwell on that pain forever.  I'm going to keep moving on with my life.

After all, feelings can be deceitful.   What I feel one second may be contradicted by what I'm feeling the next.  The only truth that I can hold on to is that God knows my feelings, He has a plan for my life and I need to strive to stay in His will to accomplish that plan.  God will comfort me and carry me through the difficult times.  Going through pain is a lot like going through a valley.  It's a dark, shadowy place and the mountain peak that you're trying to reach seems unreachable, but it's not.  Eventually you reach the top of the mountain and can see how beautiful and lush the valley truly was.  The valley is a place of much growth.

I am just praying that God can get me out of the valley quickly and again up to the top of the mountain.  But in the mean time, I am trusting in Him and His will for my life.  When I need Him to carry me through, I know He will.  He is real, my feelings are only illusions of what I perceive to be reality.  God is good and faithful and will show me the path to walk through the valley and He will guide my steps up to the top of the mountain.

“The human heart is the most deceitful of all things,

and desperately wicked.

Who really knows how bad it is?

    But I, the LORD, search all hearts

and examine secret motives.

I give all people their due rewards,

according to what their actions deserve.”   ~Jeremiah 17:9-10