My Resolutions for 2011

The boys went on a playdate today and I had from 11 a.m. until 5:30 p.m. all to myself.  What a blessing.  I did a lot of thinking during that time and surprisingly, I missed my kids like crazy!!!  I was so happy to see them come through the door.  I haven't had much time to myself in the past 10 months and today, the day before New Year's Eve got me thinking.

I did what a lot of people do...

I thought about my new year's resolutions.  However, mine turned out to be a little different than most.

I know that I can only accomplish a few goals, so here they are.

1.  Be content in the present.  While it is hard not to look ahead to the future, I resolve to make the most of every second of every day.  I will not look to the hurts of the past, nor will I count on future blessings.  We don't know what tomorrow will bring, so I will do my best to try to be content with my here and now.  Doing what God has called me to do here, but yet still praying every morning when I wake up that I will be attuned to His divine plan for my life.

2.  Be aware of the needs of others.  One thing I have learned this year through my situation is that others are going through situations of which we are not aware.  If I did not tell you of my trials, I can guarantee that you did not know that my husband was unfaithful to me, my father died 10 days after my husband and I separated, I was hospitalized 15 days after that for a weird stomach virus, I had to put my 15 year old cat to sleep, I took 2 grad classes at the same time while single parenting, working full time and running my own business, my grandmother passed away and both of my kids are undergoing for testing for special needs.   I KNOW I'm not alone in my trials.  While I have certainly had my fair share this year, I will not compare my pain to that of others.  I will try to be compassionate and understand that EVERYONE goes through pain and trials.  God wants us to LOVE one another and that means that we help one another through any trial whether we perceive it to be big or small.

3.  Leave God's plan for my life up to God.    I know that this one seems obvious, but I have in my mind the way I think my life should go.  It definitely isn't the way that it's currently going, so I resolve to accept that God DOES have a plan for me and it is for HIS good purpose because I love him and He loves me.  God will work out my trials the way He wants them to be worked out and since I know He loves me, He will bless me the way He wants to bless me.


So, my blog friends.  I'm praying that you are blessed in 2011.  May God work all things for good in your life.

(((((Hugs))))
~Judi

Brother Love

After the blizzard we had yesterday, things have finally settled down a little here at home.  I got the Christmas decorations all put away and Danny and I got outside today to do a little shoveling and playing.  Joey had no interest in going outside.  He gets too cold too easily and HATES being outside.  Ocassionally I can talk him into sledding, but he's an indoor kind of guy in the summer or winter.

I realized today that Joey is really turning into a young man, not just a boy.  He made some very mature decisions and choices today with how he treats me and how he treats his brother.  This evening, he poked his brother in the eye.  They both agree that it was an accident.  Joey was reaching over to give Danny a pat on the head.  I've seen him do this affectionately many, many times.  Just as he did this, Danny turned his head and got poked in the eye.  Danny came running to me and as I was comforting him, without my asking, Joey went out to the kitchen and grabbed and ice pack out of the freezer, wrapped it in a cloth and brought it to his brother.  He tenderly put it on his sore eye and gave him a kiss on the forehead.  As much as my boys argued today, it was good to see this tenderness and care between the two of them.  I asked what happened and Joey told me the story as Danny was crying too hard.  Joey said, "I'm sorry Danny.  It was an accident"  Danny then sobbed back, "That's okay bwover. I fowgive you."  Joey then rubbed Danny's back and within minutes they were back playing.

Tonight at bedtime, they both decided to sleep together under a "fort" they made out of blankets and a mattress in their room with friends of ours.  I went up a little while ago and they both thought the fort was not comfortable enough, so they ended up in their own beds.  I can't help but adore how much my boys love each other.  Even though they fight (and boy to we have some doozies), when it really counts, they care deeply about one another.

I've had people inquiring about our adoption story ask if my boys are "real" brothers.  I don't mean to be coy when I say this, but of course they are.  What makes someone your brother?  Is it simply that they are born of the same mother or is it more than that?  Is it that they live in the same family, have the same parents and they will share their lives together?  My boys, are truly, truly real brothers just as they are my real sons.  We may not share biology, but we share something deeper; a bond that we are a family and we will always be through thick and thin.  We will love each other, comfort each other and think of the others in our family before we think of our own selfish needs and when one hurts, we all hurt.   When one rejoices, we all rejoice.  We are a family and I am so grateful that God brought my "real" sons into my life.

ALONE

There are BLIZZARD warnings in effect tonight for the state in which I live.  BLIZZARD!!!  It's a little exciting, but a tad bit scary at the same time, being a single parent.  What if the power goes out or there's an emergency with one of the kids??  And... who's going to plow/shovel my driveway.  I can handle it with 6 inches of snow, but over a foot of snow is a little intimidating even though I am so buff.


As a married person, I didn't think much about things like this, but as a single mom, I'm a tad worried.  I don't know why.  I've lived in Maine my entire life and have always survived blizzards, but tonight a word keeps coming back to my mind.


ALONE... There, I've said it.  It's a word that I've feared for a long time.


ALONE...  I'll admit, it's my biggest fear.  Being all by myself and having to make decisions and choices by myself.  Especially choices that can effect my kids.  I'm the type of person that likes to reason with other people, talk things out, get opinions.  I process my thoughts out loud.


ALONE...  Being an only child, I have always been fearful of this status.  When I was growing up, I realized that if anything were to happen to both of my parents, I had no siblings on whom I could rely.  When I got married, I felt relief as I would have a life partner on which I could rely.  But, now that I'm no longer married, I am by myself.


In the past year, I've lost so much and I feel very much alone even though I have wonderful family and friends.  It's still not the same as having a spouse or having a parent.  The people that know you best and that will drop anything to help you.  I have wonderful family and friends that would drop anything to be there for me, but there's something in me that makes me feel like it's a burden to have to ask for help.  This is definitely not how they feel, for some reason, it's how I feel.  I must learn to drop my foolish pride and ask when I need help.


ALONE...  Am I really alone??  No... I'm not.  God is with me, holding me, drying my tears, comforting me, sending me His people to be the physical, tangible evidence of His presence and giving me comfort through His Word, the Bible.


I AM NOT ALONE.

It says in Deuteronomy 31:6  "Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid or tremble at them, for the LORD your God is the one who goes with you He will not fail you or forsake you."


The holidays have been extremely difficult for me.  I do not want to be alone, but isn't that what Christmas is all about.


Christ came to the earth as a baby.  The God of the Universe put Himself into a human body to show us that we are not alone.  He came to be with us and the Bible says that He's coming back again.


I AM NOT ALONE.


God is with me.  He loves me and He loves you too.  If you are struggling during this holiday season, please contact me by email or phone.  I'll pray for you.  


YOU ARE NOT ALONE.  God is with you and He wants you to know that.

Anticipation

Oh Twas the night before the night before Christmas and the children were going NUTS!!!

My kids are so excited for Christmas that they can hardly stand it.  Emotions are running high.  They are getting excited over details that seem small to me and having meltdowns over the most minuscule things.  They are anticipating the most exciting day of the year other than maybe their birthday on Saturday.  There are secrets to be kept and secrets to be found out.

Their excitement, while it can be exhausting, also has me so excited and so in the Christmas Spirit this year.  Even though my life has gone through sooooo many changes over the past 365 days, I know that God's hand has been in charge and steering my life.  I read a commentary the other day.  Although I can't tell you the exact source, but it spoke of how God often destroys in order to rebuild.  That is exactly what's going on in my world.  It was destroyed, but slowly is being rebuilt.  Whenever the Lord does this, He blesses the process and ultimately will give me more than I can even imagine.  Look at Job's life.  He took EVERYTHING from him, but ultimately restored his life to something better than it had been before.  While I'm sure Job still missed the loved ones that he lost, God still was able to fulfill him and bless him beyond his wildest dreams.

So as I look at my children's excitement as we prepare to celebrate the birth of Jesus, I also am trying to have that same type of anticipation and excitement in my life.  I know I'm emotional.  Lately, things that should not have been a "big deal" have taken an emotional toll on me, but at the same time, I am finding an renewed energy and excitement in the little things the Lord blesses me with.  Watching my kids, praying over them as they sleep and yes preparing and praying for the fact that someday, God willing, he will provide a godly man with which I can share my life.  God is good ALL the time.  Even during our hardships we must praise Him and we must not forget to praise Him during the good times as well.

As we approach Christmas, take note of the excitement and anticipation of the season and try to make a point to remember it year round.  Live your life with the same anticipation as to what the Lord will do with your life in the good times and bad.

Merry Christmas!!!

Deep, Dark Places

Life is tough.   Really, really tough.  Sometimes the burdens of this life are too much too bear.  Today was one of those days.  I got told off by my husband's girlfriend/ ex-girlfriend/ advocate, whoever she is.  No one should have to go through that.  It's one thing for your husband to be unfaithful to you, take you to trial over your divorce, but to then have to be told off by his girlfriend and some of that being in front of your kids, well, that's enough to put anyone over the edge and it put me into a really dark place.   I've been fairly private about the circumstances regarding my divorce and there is sooo much more that I won't share, but considering they recently announced their relationship on Facebook, I don't feel too bad telling the world that my husband has/had a girlfriend (I think they've broken up again).   I'll spare you the rest of the gory details, however.

After getting told off by her, I went home and got the kids dinner.  I was backing out of the driveway  on my way to church, was slightly distracted and backed into my front porch.  Ouch!!  Put a nice dent in the van and moved my front porch/steps about 2 feet away from the house.  Lovely...  On top of the wonderful encounter with Judy (yes, her name is the same as mine, weird, huh?)  I went into a deep, dark place.  I cried and cried.  I couldn't hold it together.  I have been through a lot and usually don't get this upset, but it had been one heck of a day.  I went to church, put the kids in Sunday School and went over to the adult service.  I, again, couldn't hold it together.  If you saw me rush to the bathroom, it was to lock myself in a stall to cry.  I pulled it together and came out after a while and thank goodness a wonderful Christian sister noticed my emotional state and came to my rescue.  She took me out so we could talk and I could cry.  I didn't even tell her about the van or the porch.

Here is the amazing thing.  After talking and praying, I felt better, like 300% better.  God certainly comforts us when we need it.  We talked out the entire situation and I no longer feel as alone.  By the end of the church service, I felt so much better and then tonight, my boys blessed my socks off.  Joey took the Bible and read it to me.  He prayed for me because he knew I was sad and he kissed me gently on the forehead at bed time because he knew I needed it.  Danny did a dance and made me smile.  He rubbed my back when I laid down to cuddle with him and told me that he wanted to marry me.  I have the best boys in the world.

Just so you know, while I was totally blessed tonight, these are behaviors I've seen from my boys before.  I think what made tonight so special is that I was in a deep dark place with very little light.  However, when I did get a little light in through being at church and through my sweet sons, it illuminated my world.  When you're living in bright light all the time, you don't really notice when extra light is added, however, when you're in a dark place and a tiny ray of light is added, it can literally light up your world. Praise God for His light in my world through Jesus, the church and my boys.  I went from being in a deep, dark place to feeling like I am the most blessed woman on earth.  Praise God!

Count my Blessings

I haven't blogged in a while because my life has been crazy busy.  I am parenting two very busy boys, taking two grad classes and over the past few weeks, I've done a ton of photoshoots.  At the same time, I'm waiting for a court date for my divorce trial.  Yes, you heard me right, I have to go to a court trial to resolve my divorce.  Nothing in my life is ever easy.


So... lately, I've been feeling pretty down.  I miss my parents, I'm sad about the end of my marriage, I'm stressed at the busyness of my life...  I've been a Debbie Downer...


However, I was reading in the Bible the other day, I really started to study Psalm 103.  It speaks of the many, many ways that God blesses us. 


¹ Bless the LORD, O my soul;
         And all that is within me, bless His holy name!
 ² Bless the LORD, O my soul,
         And forget not all His benefits:
 ³ Who forgives all your iniquities,
         Who heals all your diseases,
 ⁴ Who redeems your life from destruction,
         Who crowns you with lovingkindness and tender mercies,
 ⁵ Who satisfies your mouth with good things,
         So that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.
 ⁶ The LORD executes righteousness
         And justice for all who are oppressed.
 ⁷ He made known His ways to Moses,
         His acts to the children of Israel.
 ⁸ The LORD is merciful and gracious,
         Slow to anger, and abounding in mercy.
 ⁹ He will not always strive with us,
         Nor will He keep His anger forever.
 ¹⁰ He has not dealt with us according to our sins,
         Nor punished us according to our iniquities.  
 ¹¹ For as the heavens are high above the earth,
         So great is His mercy toward those who fear Him;
 ¹² As far as the east is from the west,
         So far has He removed our transgressions from us.
 ¹³ As a father pities his children,
         So the LORD pities those who fear Him.
 ¹⁴ For He knows our frame;
         He remembers that we are dust.
 ¹⁵ As for man, his days are like grass;
         As a flower of the field, so he flourishes.
 ¹⁶ For the wind passes over it, and it is gone,
         And its place remembers it no more.^[a]
 17 But the mercy of the LORD is from everlasting to everlasting
         On those who fear Him,
         And His righteousness to children’s children,
 ¹⁸ To such as keep His covenant,
         And to those who remember His commandments to do them.
 ¹⁹ The LORD has established His throne in heaven,
         And His kingdom rules over all.
 ²⁰ Bless the LORD, you His angels,
         Who excel in strength, who do His word,
         Heeding the voice of His word.
 ²¹ Bless the LORD, all you His hosts,
         You ministers of His, who do His pleasure.
 ²² Bless the LORD, all His works,
         In all places of His dominion.
         Bless the LORD, O my soul!


What speaks to me the most is that the psalmist (King David) commands the listener to Bless the Lord.  He doesn't demand the Lord to bless him.  It's so easy for me to slip into the feeling of "Why must I endure all of this Lord?".  When this happens, my attitude needs an major adjustment.  I should be facing these adversities with the point of view that life is hard, we all face adversities, but how can I make the best of the blessings I've been given.  How can I best bless God by serving others.


I tried to do this today and I am amazed at what a difference it made in my perspective of dealing with even the smallest issues like the attitudes of others.  


So...  I've decided that I will make a list of blessings just so I can see how WONDERFUL my life really is.


1.  My amazing sons.  We waited so long for them and I am so blessed to have full arms.  I am blessed to be able to hug them, love them, guide them, pray for them, laugh with them (and at them), play with them, take care of them.  God has blessed me with two AMAZING young men.  Praise God.


2.  My family.  God has blessed me with so many wonderful family members.  My bonus mom, Barbara, who is also a sister in Christ, my Aunt Maggie, my cousins especially Kelsey, Kayla, Amy, Jeannie and many more who have babysat and just been available to listen to me, my Aunt Dot and her children and so many more family members.  Praise God!


3.  My church family.  God has used my church fellowship in sooooo many ways to minister to me over the past year.  I can't even begin to list everyone, but there have been so many of you that have come along side me with prayer and support.  You've listened to me cry, complain and have helped me process this whole mess.  Physically, you've helped my by cleaning my house, helping me move, babysitting, carting my kids around for me, hooking up my cable, etc.  I just can't even tell you all they've done.  Praise God!


4.  My amazing friends.  God has blessed me with friends that in many ways feel more like family to me.  Again, you've helped me with sooo many things this past year, I can't even start to thank you all for what you've done.


5.  My job.  I am blessed to be able to go to work everyday and do something I LOVE!!!  I love working with pre and early teens.  This age group is so dynamic.  Thank you for letting me a part of your lives for a few brief years.  I also work with the most amazing group of people on this planet.  Praise God!



6.  For my God and Savior.  I am so blessed to have a God that loves me no matter what.  He knows all that I've done and loves me with an unconditional love.  He holds my hand, dries my tears, provides for my every need listens to my every prayer.  He knows my heart and yet, He still loves me. Praise God for his mercy and grace!!

So tonight, I sit here with tears in my eyes at how wonderful my life is.  I have had my fair share of trials this past year, but I am indeed truly blessed!!

What's a year??

This weekend, I celebrated my 41st birthday.  Here's what happened in my life between September 18, 2009 and September 18, 2010.

1.  My father was diagnosed with a malfunctioning aortic valve and had open heart surgery in Boston which the valve was replaced and triple by-pass was performed.  He was in the hospital at least 8 weeks.
2.  I had major stomach surgery.
3.  I lost 107 lbs
4.  My husband and I separated.
5.  My father passed a way.
6.  I was hospitalized for some weird intestinal virus.
7.  Danny was diagnosed with a sleep disorder

Not to mention that I'm teaching a JFDS full time, teaching a course at Husson and am a full time single mom.

Whew!!  No wonder I'm a little tired.  Making a list sort of puts it all into perspective.

Praying that this next year is a little less eventful.

11:38 a.m.

I have had so much happen over the last year.  I can't even remember where I was or what I was doing on my birthday last year.  One thing I do know is that 11:38 a.m., my dad wished me a happy birthday.  This was a little secret between the two of us that no one else knew.  Every year at 11:38, the exact time I was born, I would receive a birthday wish from my dad.  Some years, like last year, it was simply a note saying "Happy Birthday!"  Usually he'd tell me how much he loved me and how proud he was of me.  I think he may have been in the hospital because it was a slip of paper last year in an envelope that said, "Open at 11:38 a.m. on Sept. 18."   Some years he did something zany (well zany for my dad) and he'd surprise me with balloons in my college music theory class.  Some years we just met for lunch.  Some years I'd get a phone call.  Some years, I'd get an email.

I don't think my mom even knew he did this.  This was our special secret.  For the first time in 41 years, I will not have my daddy wishing me happy birthday at 11:38 a.m.

So at 11:38 a.m. I will be thinking of him and thanking him for giving me the best birthday gift a girl could have...  A dad that made her feel like his little princess.

Hot Shower -- Fully Clothed

I really didn't know what to title this entry, but I had to share with you all what happened tonight because it was one of those true parenting moments that you and your children will never forget.  Let me just preface this by saying my children are amazing, but lately life has been really, really tough for them and they are in a lot of pain, especially Joey.  Danny is pretty laid back and takes things in stride and he is also pretty young.  Joey is my sensitive, emotional child.  Everything with him is drama.  He gets angry, sad, mad, passionate and frustrated very easily, but he also is needs an abundance of love and affection to feel secure.  He is the child that screams out "You hate me!" one minute and "I love you so much Mama" the next.  He truly wears his heart on his sleeve.  These traits will serve him well in the future, but right now it is just exhausting dealing with constant drama.  I have a feeling he would be dramatic even if he had a "normal" life, but for the last year, his life has been nothing but drama.  As much as I try to shield it from him, the reality is that his mom and dad are getting divorced and two of his grandparents that he loved dearly are no longer here with him.  That's a lot to bear at a very young age.

I have a tendency to lose my patience with him.  I am working very, very hard not to raise my voice or let my own frustrations and emotions come into the picture when I'm working with him on his attitude or behavior.  When you're a single parent, you can't just go out and take a walk when you're frustrated, although I have locked myself in the bathroom or hid in the basement a time or two.  Tonight, Joey had another angry spell where he gets mad and just spews venom.  I try to address this behavior the best I can, but it can be maddening as he knows how to push my every button.  Joey was in the shower and he needed help with his hair.  I know he's six, but it works best if I condition his hair.  I have a pretty heavy duty conditioner I use as his hair can get dry, but if it gets in his eyes, it hurts.  As I was trying to help him wash his hair, he kept moving away from me.  I tried to get closer to him but he moved away.  I noticed my shirt started to get wet and I said, "Joey, move back over here so I don't get wet."  He then said to me "That's what happens when you are mean to me." Now at this point, I don't have a clue what I've done to be mean to him except he wasn't happy he had to come home from a friends house at dinner time.  I knew he was just trying to push my buttons and I wasn't going to give in, so I said "NO, this is what happens when I love you."  At that point, I stepped into the shower fully clothed and hugged him.  He was shocked.  He said "Mama, your clothes are on," and I said "yes they are because you're upset, you need a hug and I love you, so I got in the shower."  He laughed and said, "you must REALLY love me."  I said, "yes I do!"  We then giggled and laughed at how silly I looked.  He started spraying me with the shower hose and we were cracking up.

At that point, Danny came up over the stairs and into the bathroom and said, "Hey guys, whatchya doin?"  We told him we were taking a shower and asked if he wanted to get in.  He did, but not before I made him take off his shoes.  Joey then asked if he could go get some clothes on, silly boy.  So I told him he could put the clothes on that he wore today.  When we were done, they asked if they could take their showers in their clothes every night.  We'll have to see about that.

I learned a valuable lesson today.  Sometimes people just need you to give them what they need no matter what it costs you either in convenience or materialistically.  I got soaked and had to go change into dry clothes.  It cost me about 10 extra minutes of my evening by the time I took the shower and had to go get dry clothes on and put my wet clothes in the wash, but what my boys, especially Joey gained from the experience was invaluable.  Joey found out one more time that I love him and am willing to do crazy things for him to prove my love.  I think he's more valuable than my physical comfort.  I know him well enough to know when he needs a hug and last, his mom is fun and has a sense of humor.

The rest of the night went smoothly.  No major dramas and both boys went right to sleep.  I know that I was a little silly tonight, but I know someday Joey will tell his kids about when he was 6 and his mom got in the shower fully dressed with him.  He'll tell them that I was a little crazy, but I loved him so much I was willing to take a hot shower fully clothed just so he could have a hug on a hard day.  That's how much his mom loved him and someday hopefully he'll remember to show his kids that same type of love.

Ahoy there Mateys!!

In attempting to create new adventures for my boys, we spent Saturday morning surviving a tropical storm and then we became pirates.  We woke up on Saturday morning and it was POURING out.  Tropical Storm Earl was making it's way through our fair state.  We haven't had much rain over the last few weeks, so the soaking rain that we received was a blessing.  I stayed in bed, well, as in bed as a single mom can.  I still had to get up to use the restroom, make breakfast for my boys, assist them with getting set up to entertain themselves so I could work and then settle periodic disputes, but I still mostly stayed in bed and got a lot of work done for my classes.

Around noon it started to clear and we decided to head down to Camden to the 2010 Windjammer Festival.    Unfortunately, they had to postpone the festival because of the tropical storm, but we were still able to walk around Camden and to tour the Schooners.  They loved climbing aboard the ships and pretending they were pirates.  I think only certain vessels were for touring, but if there were people aboard the ship, my boys asked if they could get on board.  Most people were very nice.  There was one family that was having a party and Danny went right up to them and said, "Hey guys, how do you steer this boat."  The owner brought him right on board and showed him where the wheel was.  Danny then asked if we could go for a ride and they told us to come back on Sunday and they would take us out.  Unfortunately, we already had plans for Sunday, but their kindness was overwhelming.  It's nice to know that there are still wonderful people out there.

We then roamed around Camden village.   There were pirates and patriots patrolling the streets.  The boys were fascinated by their swords and guns (they're boys).   After our long day, we headed home.  The car ride home was most challenging as the boys were tired and were arguing.  I never had a sibling growing up, so I didn't get to experience the joys of riding in a car while you fought with your brother or sister.  I can't say that car rides are my most favorite part of parenting.  As a matter of fact, I need to learn new strategies of discipline in the car.  By the time they were having a water fight in the back seat, I had just about lost my patience.  I pulled the car over, got grumpy,  moved Joey to the very back of the van and then we continued on our way.

My boys have been together and with me pretty much 24/7 all summer long.  It is much better for our relationship when we are in school/work as we have a little apart time.  As much as we all love each other, it can be very, very tiring to be together so much.  I think that it's good to remind the boys frequently that the purpose of being a family is to lift one another up, not drag each other down.  When that type of thing happens, one of the solutions is to spend some time apart evaluating ourselves.  What can we do to put ourselves back in a better place so we can help each other.  Alone time is not a bad thing, but we are not to isolate ourselves, either.

On Sunday, I made them each choose an activity and spend some time alone.  Joey rode his bike and Danny played trucks in his bedroom.  As I'm typing this, they are in the living room nicely playing together.  Sometimes my schemes do work.  I'm praying that we have a good day today.  I'm thinking we might go on another adventure.  I'm excited for what today holds for us.  Praising God for His work in my life and in the lives of my boys.

Poop Trucks and Potty Talk

Today was my official last day to play with my boys.  Tomorrow I have some things to finish up in my room and need to go to the university to get my books and my classes straightened out.  It was in the upper 80's here, warm and humid and my cousin Sally had invited the boys and me to visit her at our family camp on Sebec Lake, so I packed up some food, some bathing suits and the boys and we headed out to camp.

When we got to camp, Sally mentioned that the septic system was overflowing and she had to call the septic service people to come pump the tank and help us figure out what was wrong with the system.  As we pulled into the driveway, you could smell the raw sewage.  What a lovely odor!  Not exactly the pines, cedars and wildflowers I'm used to smelling as we pull into the camp driveway.  The boys immediately identified the odor and instead of being repulsed by it, they were fascinated as to the the whereabouts of the source of the stench.  We got out of the car and they went to the side of the camp with Sally's husband Rick to investigate the hole that had been dug to reveal the overflowing septic system.  "Ewww!!" was the thought in my head.  "Cool!!!!" was what the boys were thinking.  Danny asked me what it was and I told him that it was the hole where our poop and pee went after we flushed it from the camp.  Danny then took one look at it and said,  "Mama, I really have to go.  Can I just pee right into the hole?"  I should have let him do it, but the thought of it...  I made him go in the woods behind a tree.  Not really much better, but it just seemed, well, cleanlier to me.

We got unpacked and got into our bathing suits and waited for the Honey Truck, a.k.a. the Poop Truck to pull into the driveway.  After a few hours in came the HUGE truck from the Septic Service.  I wish I could remember the logo on the side of the truck but it was something like "Can't flush...We will rush."  Out jumped the driver/poop technician who happened to share the name of my youngest son, Danny.  Danny was a very personable man, but incredibly desensitized to the environmental conditions of his job.  With his bare hands, he popped the line off his truck and plunged it into our tank.  Within a matter of seconds the already overwhelming odor was, well, pungent and powerful.  Sally and I were both very grateful that we had not eaten lunch yet.  The boys, Rick included, were fascinate.  Danny looked at me and said "I'm so glad we came here.  Poop and  big truck.  Life is great."

We watched as the elder Danny pumped our septic system out and then helped Rick identify the possible problems.   Every few minutes, we had to go back and check on the poop problem.   The issue is not solved yet, but will be in a few days.

Okay, I don't know what it is with boys and potty talk.  The septic system experience seemed to create an atmosphere conducive to potty talk for the rest of the day.  Tooting, farting, pooping and peeing became an even more popular topic of discussion than normal in our home.  As we were sitting beside the lake, Sally told a story of a friend's two year old who went into a posh restaurant and was running around calling himself "Captain Poopy Pants".  Guess what Joey declared as his superhero name for the rest of the day.  I just pray he will forget about it by the time he goes to school on Wednesday.  Joey also decided to quote from an episode of SpongeBob.  It goes like this, "If you want to make a crabby-patty, you must first understand the word POOP.  People Order Our Patties."  The conversations went on like this for several hours.

For the rest of the day, the three men of the family continued to discuss the poop issues, had a fair amount of potty talk, went fishing, built a campfire and did some "guy" things.  It was so good to see my boys being boys, enjoying life, grunting, farting (sorry Sally), burping, grilling meet over an open flame and just loving life.  I can't say that potty talk and fishing are my favorite activities, but in the car on the ride home, my boys could not stop talking about their day.  Some days, like today, I wonder why God gave me boys.  It probably will take me a while to figure that one out, but each day, I praise God for my rough, tumble, potty talking young boys.  I'm praying that I can give them the opportunities to have adventures like today and at the same time help them to turn into polite gentlemen one day.  Please pray for God to give me wisdom as to how to best raise my boys to be polite, respectful men.

Thank you Rick and Sally for having us up and for creating an exciting and adventurous day for us on our last official day of summer vacation.

Dancing under the Stars

My life has been absolutely insane lately and is about to get worse, but that's alright.  I've decided that life is meant to be lived and that may mean some days I'm so busy I can't see straight.  I'm starting to feel a little overwhelmed and stressed at a few things.  The first is that I will be taking two Grad classes this semester.  I am 3 classes and a practicum away from my master's degree.  Because two of those three classes are fall classes, I really need to take both of those classes so I can graduate from college before Joey graduates from high school.  I also am getting ready to go back to school and am trying to get the kids ready to go back to school.  I know once we get into a routine everything will be okay, but trying to transition into that routine has been tough.

Lately, I have been more brave with my attempts to single parent.  I have decided that if I want to do something with the boys, I'm just going to do it.  I'm not going to let fear about what happens if I need another set of hands and I'm by myself rule my life.  Last night, I really wanted to go to the American Folk Festival.  This is the 10th year our city has hosted this festival.  It is really an amazing time to experience culture in our town and as I music teacher, I bask in the music, dancing and the atmosphere.  I packed the boys up in the car around 5 p.m and we headed down town.  We found a parking space about 1/4 mile from the site and got out.  I had put their little red wagon in the car, so they got in and we started off for the Festival.  I had brought drinks and snacks, but the food there is amazing.  It is from all different cultures from around the world.  We sampled Greek, Indian and Mexican food.  We then started to wander around.  The first event we watched was a parade led by the University of Maine Marching Band.  Being a former alumnus of the band, this was near and dear to my heart.  Both boys LOVED it so much we had to follow them through the parade route.  We stood behind the band at one point and watched as they put on a show.  Danny was fascinated by the Sousaphones and has declared that is the instrument he wants to play.  We then went to a concert performed by a Cajun Band.  The boys liked that, but were not as taken with it, so I looked on the schedule and noticed there was an urban / break dance performance.  We got there early and got seats in the front row.  Again, both boys were fascinated, but Danny especially LOVED the dancing.  He has an amazing creative side in his soul.  He loves music, dancing, singing, drama, etc.  He started dancing and at the end of the show, he was brought up front by one of the organizers of the event.  So cool!!  Seeing him strut his stuff in front of thousands of people brought tears to my eyes.  After the event, we met the performers and even followed them over to the dance tent where we boogied to salsa music under the stars.  We met up with my friend Trish and her husband George and we all danced up a storm.  My boys had so much fun.  Thanks Trish and George for the dance.  The kids are still talking about how much fun they had this morning.

I have to say that as I looked around at all of the couples and families last night, I was a little sad.  I so wish I had a partner with whom I  could share all of these sweet moments I'm having with my boys.  Then, I remember, that I do have a partner.  I went home and in prayer told the Lord about my amazing night even though He was there and knew all that happened.  I thanked Him for His love for me and for my boys.  Even if I never find a human being here on earth to fill that role for me again, I know that God is my Husband and the boys heavenly Father.  I can't help but think about the smile that was on His face as He saw Danny expressing his joy by dancing up a storm last night.  But, of course, He is the one that put the joy there in the first place.  Praise God for being there for me.

New Beginnings

I haven't blogged in a few days because I've been getting ready to go back to school.  We had Joey's first grade screening on Monday, Danny's pre-K orientation yesterday and I went back to school for two teacher workshops today and the boys started with a new babysitter this morning.  It's been quite a week of firsts already.

So, I'm not exactly thrilled about going back to school.  Don't get me wrong.  I ADORE my job, I love my students and I LOVE what I do.  I am truly blessed to be doing something that doesn't feel like work to me.  I have so much fun doing what I do.  However, I also LOVE being with my boys.  Every second with them is so precious as they grow up so fast.

There is something exciting about a new school year.  It is a fresh start, a new beginning.  Things are bright and clean and the students come into the school expecting to have their best year yet.  Some students do have wonderful years and some students, unfortunately, struggle to meet with success.  As a teacher, these students are often the ones that I'm drawn to.  I love to help a student find the keys to having a successful year.  It is so rewarding to teach them that when you make good choices, good things happen for you.  On the flip side, it is frustrating when you see your students making poor choices and then having to face the consequences of those choices.

I've made some poor choices in my life and have and are currently suffering the consequences.  I've also made some excellent choices and have reaped the benefits of those as well.  But, sometimes things happen and it has nothing to do with the choices I've made, but with the choices someone else has made and I've ended up getting hurt because of it.  I try to instill in my boys that their choices don't only effect their own lives, but the lives of the rest of the family as well.  How do you get that point across to a 4 and a 6 year old?  There are consequences for every decision we make.  We can say we're sorry, but unless we SHOW we're sorry in a very real and tangible way, those words are useless and pointless.

I'm praying that my boys can learn this lesson before they make choices that effect their own lives and  the lives of their loved ones.  Hopefully when they are adults, they will be able to see and predict what might happen and what might be the outcome of their decisions.  By having this type of vision, I pray that they will be happy and successful.

I woke up this morning a t 5:15 with every intention of exercising, but instead there was a magnificent sunrise so I headed out to the back forty and shot a few pics.  Enjoy.

"Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning." ~Lamentations 3:23

Single Parenting is for the Birds

I'm sitting in my upstairs hallway between both boys rooms tonight waiting for them to go to sleep.  Most days I can do this single parenting thing just fine on my own, but tonight, I really wish I had someone to share the insanity with me.  Both boys have been angry most of the afternoon.  They have every right to be anger.  My babies have had so much loss in their lives.  There world has been rocked in the last 8 months.  I, too, have anger as well, but we all need to learn how to best express our anger so we can live together in peace.

On the advice of a pastor at church, we are meditating on James 1:19-21  "Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.  Human anger^[ does not produce the righteousness God desires.  So get rid of all the filth and evil in your lives, and humbly accept the word God has planted in your hearts, for it has the power to save your souls."  We've been really focusing on the quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to get angry portions of the verse.  It will work, it will work, it will work...  It has to work.  It is the Word of God and the Word does not come back void.  That is the awesome thing about focusing my life on the Word is that I've seen it work over and over again in situations that I thought were hopeless.  That is when God does His best work.

So, here I sit, praying, comforting, being firm, listening, drying their tears, trying my tears and trying to make sense out of all that has happened in our lives.  It is so unfair in so many ways, but I know that God has a plan for all of this.  He is good, just and righteous and this will all work for His purpose (Romans 8:28).


In the mean time, I need to remember to keep my focus on God and His plan for my life.  I know that right now, I am called to be the best mother I can be.  Somedays, I feel like I fail terribly in that endeavor.  I can get angry, lose my temper and jealous that others have loving spouses to shoulder the burden of raising children.  But, I need to look at what God has blessed me with instead of focusing on the things I don't have.  We went through 10 years of infertility before we brought Joey home.  I am soooo blessed to have him.  When we were going through infertility, I had several other friends I met online who were going through the same thing.  Some of them still have empty arms.  I pray for them often.   I have two amazing boys whom I adore, a wonderful family, amazing friends, a supportive church family, a beautiful home and a job that I enjoy so much if I had enough money, I'd do it for free.  Most importantly, I have a Savior and God that loves me to the core of my being and has been closer than a friend.  I could have nothing but Christ and that's all I need.  He has supplied me with abundant blessings.  Praise God for His faithfulness and His work in my life.

When I murmur and complain, I need to be reminded to look at how God has blessed me.  So, if you see me in real life or online and I'm complaining, please rebuke me and set me straight.  Help me to get the focus off of me and everything I don't have and to focus on God, others and all that I've been blessed with.  I'm serious about this.

God Bless!

Snotty kisses, giggles and cuddles

My boys were up wayyyy too early this morning.  Joey woke up at around 5:30 and came downstairs and crawled in bed with me.  Danny was woke up at 6:00 a.m. and came downstairs and crawled in bed with us.  We all were starting to doze back off and I thought, "Awesome!!  Another hour of sleep."  And then Bear decided to join the party.  Of course, there's no going back to sleep when there's an 11 week kitten attacking your feet, hair, jammies and anything else that you can get to move.  The boys took turns screeching and diving under the covers as Bear approached.

I'll have to be honest, I was NOT amused.  I was so excited that they both quietly got in bed with me and then the darn cat had to break the reverie.  Why did I think getting a kitten was a good idea again?  I know that he is stinkin' adorable and he loves to cuddle and purr loudly in my ear when I'm sleeping, but wanting to play at 6:00 a.m. when we could have slept another hour.  Grrr...

I was so tired that I closed my eyes and listened to my boys shriek and giggle.  I started to think "How many more mornings do I have like this?"  Danny just turned four and Joey is six.  When does it start to be uncool to get in bed  mom and play and giggle with brother?   When will I think it's disgusting that brother puts his arm around me and says, "I love you?"  When will I start to feel uncomfortable giving mom kisses in the morning?  Will I have 10 more mornings like this, 20, 5????  Only God knows.

What I do know is that time is passing way too fast.  Just yesterday we were bringing Joey home from the hospital.  How can it be that he's going into first grade?  And how can it be that my baby is going into Pre-K?  I keep telling them that they can stop growing anytime, but they don't listen to me.

So, instead of being angry or upset with my kids, I laid in my bed enjoying the snotty kisses, silly giggles and warm cuddles.  I savored each one of them because before long my boys will be grown up and I will no longer have that experience.  Praise God for every early morning cuddle even if I'm exhausted.  I can sleep after my sons are married.  For now, give me every second I can get with them.

"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven"  ~Ecclesiastes 3:1

The Adventures of Buddy and Bear

We have a new kitten that Joey named Bear because he is all black like a little black bear.  Well, the kitten scared the daylights out of me this morning.  He has slept with me every single night since he's been home. Last night, he didn't cuddle with me like he normally does.  I didn't think too much about it, but at 4 a.m. when I got up to help Joey reconstruct his bed because his blankets were on the floor, I didn't see bear anywhere.  I called to him and no kitten.  I woke up at 7 a.m. and still didn't see him.  I started to panic.  I looked under my bed, no Bear.  I went into the boys rooms, no Bear.  I started to get nervous.  I went down into the basement and couldn't find the kitten.  I then really got nervous.  I started to think "What if he got outside?" I went outside and started calling for the kitten.  There were golfers already on the course behind my house walking by wondering what the crazy woman in the Mickey Mouse Jammies was doing. I went back inside and was so sad that I was going to have to tell the kids that the cat was missing.   Joey came downstairs first and asked where the cat was.  I had to tell him that I didn't know.  He helped me start to look for the cat.  We went upstairs and went into Danny's room.  Danny was just waking up and we could see something moving under Danny's covers.  Lo and behold, Bear popped out of the covers.  He had slept with Danny all night last night.  Little bugger!

I decided to take Bear outside for the first time today.  Here are some pictures from his big adventure.  Buddy accompanied Bear and watched him to make sure he stayed out of trouble.

Some days are just tough

Not to be Debbie Downer or anything because yesterday's post was pretty heavy, but today was a really tough day.  It started this morning with a lunatic screaming at me.  I had just dropped Danny off at daycare and was getting on the interstate and the car in front of me was going really slow.  I pulled out to pass it and apparently there was a small red truck in my blind spot.  I had already started into the other lane when he laid on his horn.  At that point, I was already passing the car in front of me, so I couldn't really get back over into the other lane.  The guy behind must have hit the gas because next thing I know he was riding my tail hard, laying on his horn.  I pulled over and he pulled in behind me, so I started to get off at the next exit.  As we were stopped at the traffic light, he got out of his car and came up to mine.  He started calling me every inappropriate name you could imagine and that started dropping the F-Bomb.  I told him that I was sorry and I didn't see him and he kept swearing at me.  I had already taken, my cell phone out and at that point I asked him if he would like me to call them police to help us sort this out.  He again swore at me.  I told him that I had a young child in that back that shouldn't be listening to that type of language and if he didn't get back in his vehicle I would dial 911.  At that point he got back in his car.  I got his license number just in case he continued to follow me.  He continued on his merry way, but Joey and I were both a bit shaken up.  Joey made me relive the story to everyone we met.  If you think of it, please pray for this man.  If he doesn't deal with this anger, it's going to turn into bitterness and then hate.  Maybe he should have read yesterday's post.

Then, I had some other things that happened in my personal life that  were really distressing to me.  I just kept thinking that if I had my dad, he would help me deal with these things.  He always had such a logical way of looking at things and he knew me better than anyone else.  He's not here to give me advice and I really, really feel like I'm floundering in my life.  My number one support is gone and I'm having to try to stand on my own to feet and it's really, really tough.  Even though I was 40 when dad died, I still feel very much like his little girl.  Whenever I needed help solving any problem, daddy was there and would help me think through my actions and the possible consequences.  He's not here now and I feel like I'm totally lost.  I miss his love and guidance so, so much.  This is incredibly tough.

So, please keep me and the boys in your prayers.  God is good and I'm having to totally rely on him to be my Husband, Father and Healer.

"Then I said to you, "Do not be terrified; do not be afraid of them. The LORD your God, who is going before you, will fight for you, as he did for you in Egypt, before your very eyes, and in the desert. There you saw how the LORD your God carried you, as a father carries his son, all the way you went until you reached this place." Deut. 1:20-31

Anger, Bitterness and Hate

Anger is a surface emotion.  It's like when you fall down and scrape your knee.  It's our first and immediate reaction to a situation that hurts us or is wrong or that hurts someone else that we love. Like a scrape, if you don't clean it out and let it heal, it will become infected and fester.   I am angry when someone hurts my kids.  The mama bear in me has been known to want to punch someone lights out, but I would seldom react that way.  I feel anger when someone hurts me.  I have been hurt over and over again in the last 8 months and I admit it, I am angry.  I think anger can be compounded when the person that does the hurting doesn't take responsibility for that hurt.  They blame that hurt all on you.  Eventually, you either believe their lies or that anger turns into something bitterness.

Bitterness is a disbelief in the fact that the anger will ever end or that the person who hurt you will ever understand how much they've truly hurt you.  Bitterness has a tendency to fester in your soul.  It's like a sharp thorn that keeps pricking you and drawing blood.  No matter what you do or how you move, that bitterness keeps resurfacing and poking at your soul.  You try to get away from the bitterness by distracting yourself and doing other things.  Some people do things that are unhealthy, like they might drink, do drugs or find another way to numb the pain.  You simply want to the pain to go away, so you are willing to do anything other than removing that thorn to get the pain to stop.  Eventually, your pain becomes constant and where that thorn has punctured your skin,  you start to build scar tissue.  That scar tissue turns into hate.

Hate is one of the strongest emotions that you can have, but it's also the most difficult to get rid of.  It's like a thick layer of scar tissue on your soul.  You start to feel nothing but negative feelings toward the person that hurt you.  No matter what they do, positive or negative, you feel nothing other than hatred or numbness and it is such and intense negative feeling that when others try to talk with you in love and in truth about the situation, you no longer can see the logic in it.

The Bible strongly warns about these feelings and how we should deal with them.  Forgiveness is the key to combatting these feelings.  The Bible says that we need to forgive 70 times 7 times when someone wrongs you.  I never understood this before, but I do now.  I have been wronged over and over again and that person doesn't understand that he's done wrong.  He feels that I should forgive and forget and we should pick our lives up like nothing ever happened, but that's just not possible.  Without trust, it's hard to have a loving relationship.

What I can do, is to love him and pray for him and hope that the Lord will completely change his life.  I can already see some changes, but I also still see things that make me wonder where his heart truly lies.  All I know is that I can't hold on to these feelings of anger, bitterness and hate anymore.  I don't like what it does to my soul.  I need to have love, joy, peace, faithfulness, kindess, compassion and self control in my heart.  This way, my life can be fulfilled not matter what else is done to me.  I know that God is in control and will honor my walk with Him.

Two words -- Grocery Shopping

It was a rainy day here, so we really didn't do a whole lot.  We stayed in our jammies until noon, ate leftover blueberry pancakes and watched cartoons on the tube.  I have to say that I don't like most of my kids TV shows, but I laughed really, really hard at Phineas and Ferb this morning.  I read, wrote and dozed.  It was really a very, very nice day until I realized (insert ominous music here) that we were running out of milk and juice.  (Dun, dun dah...)  So I grudgingly showered, got the kids dressed, made a shopping list (which I never stick to) and we headed to the grocery store.

We started the trip fairly successfully.  We picked out the shopping cart that has a kid-sized car attached to it.  Danny "drove" the car and Joey decided he was going to push.  We got into the vegetable aisle and all I needed was corn, carrots, peppers and bananas.  It took us 20 minutes to get those items.  You see, I timed the trip wrong.  Moms everywhere know this.  Timing is EVERYTHING.  Because I didn't see our milk/juice shortage until I made lunch and we had a dr.'s appointment in the later afternoon,  I had no choice.  If I wanted to get the shopping done today, it had to be during naptime.  Ugh!

Joey decided that it would be loads of fun to pretend Danny was a race car driver and then push him up and down the aisles as fast as he could.  Of course, this was fun for them both until they almost knocked over a small child walking with his mother.  I then had to pull Joey's driver's license and take over the driving duties.

We continued on our shopping expedition and had to stop at the bakery for the free cookie.  While I really appreciate that all grocery stores offer the complimentary free cookie to each of my children, I just question why they couldn't offer a free apple or bag of grapes instead.  My children do not need any more sugar than necessary and once they have their free cookie, they keep begging for another and another or even better, they want to buy a package of cookies to take home.

Then we went to the fish counter.  I've had a hankering for some grilled fish, so I wanted to look at the salmon.  As I was looking, the boys were fascinated by the lobsters.  If you don't live in this part of the country, let me explain.  We have a fish tank full of live lobsters in each and every grocery story.  It is sort of like going to the aquarium as you're buying your fish.  They lobsters crawl over each other and all around the tank.  Danny then decides he's going to place an order and asks the man at the fish counter if he could get the 4 lbs lobster for him to take home.  He told the man that he was going to name him Nemo.  At 8.99 per pound, that would make Nemo worth about $36.  We were not  buying a $36 lobster to put in a fish tank that we don't have so he could have a pet.  I tried to convince him that kitten's make much better pets than lobsters and he had a new kitten at home.  He wasn't convinced and proceeded to have a minor melt down on the way to the meat department.

In the meat department, Danny was fascinated by the hamburger.  I was looking over the chicken the next cooler over and when I went back to the meat, I notice that several of the packages had little fingerprints poked through the plastic into the meat.  Good thing they were having a special on ground chuck because we now have a whole freezer full of it.

After we got our meat, we finished up with the last few items that I needed to buy.  We had a spill buying pickles and had to call for a clean-up on aisle 11.  Joey tried to "help"me and dropped a jar of sweet gherkins as he was slam dunking it into my cart.  He told me after that he thought that it was plastic.  Ummm... No...

We wisely passed by the eggs even though I really should have bought some and went into dairy.  I noticed that Danny was acting sneakingly suspicious and then I noticed that he had opened a small container of chocolate milk.  "I was firsty" he told me.  So I told that it was not okay and I needed to have the carton.  He grudgingly handed it to me and then got upset as I tried to squeeze his pudgy legs into the front of the shopping cart.  He really is too big for the seat, but I had no other alternative at this point.

We finished our shopping expedition and checked out, had a minor meltdown in the car on the way home because they couldn't have the cookies that they begged me to buy after getting the free deli cookies.

I hope that after reading this you don't think that my kids are poorly behaved because we have had several shopping trips with absolutely no incidences where they've been angels.  They were just tired, I timed the trip poorly and I pushed my luck by trying to do a full shopping trip when I should have just run in for juice and milk.

Thank goodness my cousin Kelsie was at the house when I returned home and helped me get the kids in the house and the groceries put away.  She stayed with Joey while I took Danny to his appointment.  Kelsie is the bomb!!

Today ended well.  Kids were in bed by 7:30, asleep by 8:00 and I am chillaxing and about to watch a movie.

Life is good.