I think I am having both and identity crisis and a midlife crisis at the same time. I've been asking myself and having some discussions with God that have been really, really deep. I'm sure many of you have had those same discussions at some point in your life either in your head or with God. I think at some point, it is completely normal to ask why we are here. What is our purpose?
Yeah, that's where I am right now. I ask the question several times a day, "Who am I and why am I here?"
Today, I will try to figure out the eternal question "Who am I?"
I am Judi Pratt who was Judi Morrison for 15 years and now I am Judi Pratt. When I was 15 years old, I had my very first identity crisis. My given name is Judith and for my whole life, I had spelled my name "Judy". I decided to be rebellious and change the spelling of my nickname from "Judy" to "Judi". After all, Judith is spelled with an "I", right? Boy, I was such a wild teenager as that was the extent of my rebellion, but it really helped me to have an identity of my own. I felt "Judi" was cute and perky even though on the outside this plus size teen never felt cute or perky. I usually felt the exact opposite. Ugly, fat and unloved.
I went to college and solidified part of my identity and that was "Judi Pratt -- Music Teacher". I love this part of my identity, which I still hold. I love sharing my love of music with young minds. I love that I can make a real difference in a child's life. I am so grateful that God has put me in a position where I can educate and at the same time show the kids I come in contact with that they are wonderful and special. I love my job!
For 15 years, I was a wife. This was a HUGE part of my identity and it seems so strange not to be that person any more. In so many ways, I feel like I've lost half of who I am, however, I was very confused and misled with that part of my identity. Who I thought he was and who he thought I was, were definitely not who we really were. It's bizarre being single after being married for so long.
For my whole life I was the fat girl. I was plus sized even when I was a teen ager. Last year, I lost almost 100 pounds. I look totally different than I ever have. It's funny because when I was a size 24, I looked in the mirror and saw a woman that was a size 16. Now that I'm a size 10, I still look in the mirror and see a size 16. It's ironic how the mind can play tricks on your self image. I really, really don't feel any smaller than I did a year ago. The only difference is that I can go into a normal store and buy normal size clothes now.
The next part of my identity that has changed is that for 40 years, I was Gil and Sandra's daughter. A few years ago, my mom passed away. I am so grateful that I had the best mom in the world. She taught me how to be an AMAZING mom. I have been blessed that when I think of what a mom should be, I have her example to draw on. For 40 years, I was Gil's daughter. My dad taught me how to be strong, how to deal with people and how to be strong. He was the strongest man I knew in so many ways. I am trying to teach my boys how to be strong men. Ideally, they would have that daily example in their life, but I am finding that every day, I ask myself "what would my dad do?" when I'm making decisions about my boys. I have gone from daughter of Gil and Sandra (and in my heart, I will always be their child) to orphan. My parents are both dead and that is so hard to think about.
Now, one of my priorities is my kids. I am Danny and Joey's mom. I live my for my boys. I cannot think of a more valuable to spend my time than to invest in my children and my kid's future. A HUGE part of my identity right now tied up in my kids. I am Mama and I LOVE it. After going through 10 years of infertility, I never thought that I would ever be a mama, but praise God that He has made that part of who I am. I am so incredibly blessed.
I may be having an identity crisis in these areas of my life, but there is one area where I KNOW my true identity and that is how my God sees me.
I am God's child (John 1:12)
I am Christ's friend (John 15:15)
I belong to God (1 Corinthians 6:20)
I am a member of Christ's Body (1 Corinthians 12:27)
I am a citizen of heaven (Philippians 3:20))
I am holy and blameless (Ephesians 1:4)
I am adopted as his child (Ephesians 1:5)
I am forgiven (Ephesians 1:8; Colossians 1:14)
I have purpose (Ephesians 1:9 & 3:11)
I have hope (Ephesians 1:12)
I am a personal witness of Jesus Christ (Acts 1:8)
I am God's coworker (2 Corinthians 6:1)
I am God's workmanship (Ephesians 2:10)
I am secure (Ephesians 2:20)
I am a holy temple (Ephesians 2:21; 1 Corinthians 6:19)
I know there is a purpose for my sufferings (Ephesians 3:13)
I am completed by God (Ephesians 3:19)
I have been called (Ephesians 4:1; 2 Timothy 1:9)
I am strong (Ephesians 6:10)
I am not alone (Hebrews 13:5)
I am growing (Colossians 2:7)
I am His disciple (John 13:15)
I am prayed for by Jesus Christ (John 17:20-23)
I am promised eternal life (John 6:47)
I am promised a full life (John 10:10)
I am victorious (I John 5:4)
I am chosen and dearly loved (Colossians 3:12)
I am blameless (I Corinthians 1:8)
I am set free (Romans 8:2; John 8:32)
I am safe (I John 5:18)
I am protected (John 10:28)
I am so blessed that my true identity is really in how God sees me. He loves me and adores me and He sees my heart, the good, the bad and the ugly and still completely loves who I am. Because of that, He wants to use my in His plan for my life. He wants me to be open to His plan.
So, over the past year, my identity has been turned upside down and inside out. The drastic changes that I have been through have been so painful, but I know that sometimes pain is necessary for true improvement to happen. Just like a dilapidated building is often torn down so a new and improved structure can be built, my old identity has been totally torn down. I'm excited to see the new creation God continues to make in the shadow of my old self.
My only prayer is that God will take the "new" me and use me for his purpose.
Stay tuned for part two of this entry tomorrow which will answer the question, "Why am I here?"
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