The Big Top and Boys Dreams

Yesterday, I received some tickets to the circus, so last night I brought the boys to see it.  I remember my own parents bringing me to the circus when I was little and the magic that was stirred in my own heart.  I remembered dreaming about becoming the woman who flew high in the sky with her dashing partner catching her by the finger tips on the trapeze, stunning audiences with my amazing feats on the high wire or being the woman in the glamorous costume that trained the big cats or rode the elephants.

Much has changed since the circus of my youth.  The animal activists and probably liability laws have ensured that there were no big cats or even elephants.  The two animal acts were dogs and primates.  There was no trapeze, although there was a man and woman who hung from about 20 feet up and spun their bodies on a mock trapeze and there was the spiral of death where a man walked outside a hampster-treadmill type contraption blindfolded while his beautiful partner was safe on the inside of the balance wheel.

These major changes in the circus, however, did not dampen the dreams of my children as they viewed the many acts.  Joey wanted to try and do all of the stunt acts.  When he saw the 9 year old little boy performing with his parents on the unicycle, he promptly asked if I could marry a man that was in the circus so we could be a family act and perform like this little boy's family did.  I informed him that we already very much lived in a circus with the antics the boys did on a daily basis and that while being paid for people to observe those antics sounded attractive to me, I didn't think that anyone would pay to see me in any sort of skimpy costume like that mom wore.  As a matter of fact, I think they would run away in fear, so I would not have a job for very long!

Danny had a little different dream.  He was fascinated by the clowns.  My gregarious 4 year old stood and watched them at every opportunity he could.  By the end, in his usual charming way, he had introduced himself to every clown he could find and was trying to entertain them.  He shouted out, "Hey clown!  Look at me!  I can stand on one foot!!"  They all laughed at him, joked with him and smiled.  Eventually, clowns were starting to point out my little man to other clowns.   I overheard "Sluggah" telling "Trash Can" that Danny was a cool kid who would one day take his job.  What a proud mommy moment!  I can just imagine talking with my friends some day when I'm 80 and the conversation going something like this:

Friend:  "So, how's your youngest?"
Me:  "He's doing really well, traveling a lot though, so I rarely see him."
Friend:  "What business is he in, again?"
Me:  "Entertainment."
Friend: "Oh, is he an actor or something?"
Me: "No, he's a clown."
Friend:  "He always was a funny kid!"

You get the picture.  Not that there's anything wrong with being a clown as they make millions of people happy a year, but it's just not what I am dreaming about for my son's future profession.  At the same time, I am dreaming that he finds something that he can make a living at that makes him happy.  For Danny, entertaining others DEFINITELY makes him happy, so if that's what he wants to do with his life, I will support it 100%.

At bedtime last night, Danny couldn't stop talking about the clowns and Joey did aerial acrobatics getting into bed.  They both went to sleep dreaming about what they want to do with their lives when the grow up.  They want excitement, to make people smile and most importantly, to be happy.  When you're 4 and 7, you see the circus as a job that would make you and others happy.

As a mom, my job makes me extremely happy.  I love the hugs, the cuddles, helping the boys learn right from wrong, helping them discover their dreams and just being there for them.  Being a mom was always my biggest dream and for several years, I never thought that would come true.  My dream has now come true and part of that dream is to help my kids discover their dreams.

My advice to my boys:  DREAM BIG!!!!

Joey, if you want to stun people with acrobatic, aerial feats, do it!!  (But be safe).

Danny, if you want to entertain and make people laugh, do it!!  (But not in class).

Dream, dream, dream.  Never stop dreaming and never, ever give up.  Sometimes we have what look like insurmountable road blocks on our path to achieve our dreams, but once we get past those, we look back and see that they were just tiny, tiny bumps in the path.  Trust in God to get you over those bumps, focus on His will for your life, try your hardest always and you WILL accomplish your dreams.

Part 2 of the great identity crisis

Why am I here??

What am I supposed to do??

Help!!!!


These three questions have been going through my mind and my prayer life over and over again.  I sometimes just say, "God, I really, really don't understand what you are doing?"  I was happy, content, had a fairly normal life and now, everything has been completely turned upside down.  WHY??????

I still haven't figured out the answer to that one, but I know that according to the Bible, ALL things work together for good for those that love God and are called according to His purpose. I know that I love God and I'm trying to figure out His purpose.

Here are some things that I know.

1.  My life is not an accident.  I am here for a reason.  I don't know what that reason is, but there is a very definite purpose for me being here and for the trials I've faced in my life.

2.  God's has been working in my life through my joys and trials, my successes and yes, even my failures.

3.  Someday, I will understand, so I must have faith.

I know that I know that I know that life has purpose and meaning.  Tonight, I was playing hide and seek with the boys and it hit me that in that moment, I was not meant to be anywhere else doing anything else.  I was having a joyful time with my precious kiddos.  In that instant my life had meaning.  As I sit here and type this blog entry, I'm feeling the same.  My life has real meaning.

I think when we get discouraged and don't understand why difficult circumstances happen in our lives, we can get bitter toward others or even toward God.  This type of bitterness is truly a hindrance in our ability to grow and make something positive out of our life.  Debbie Bryson, a pastor's wife that I've heard preach has said that bitterness is like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die from it.  How true is that!!

I have to admit that over the past year, I have been extremely bitter.  I have let that bitterness fester and grow inside of me and I became a person that I really didn't like.  It has taken me months and much prayer to let go of that bitterness and to come to a place of true forgiveness and acceptance.

I forgive.  I forgive.  I forgive.  Please forgive me as well.  If I have ever hurt you or have done something that has caused pain.  I'm sorry.

I'm praying that now that I've let go of this bitterness, God can use me in the lives of others.

I am here to serve my God and my Creator.  I must accept my life as it is and pray for Him to mold me into the person He wants me to be.

Just like a potter molds clay into a vessel of beauty or purpose, I pray that God continues to mold me into who He wants me to be.

So,  why am I here?  I don't have a clue...

But, God knows and that's all I need to know.

I'm having an identity crisis

I think I am having both and identity crisis and a midlife crisis at the same time.  I've been asking myself and having some discussions with God that have been really, really deep.  I'm sure many of you have had those same discussions at some point in your life either in your head or with God.  I think at some point, it is completely normal to ask why we are here.  What is our purpose?

Yeah,  that's where I am right now.  I ask the question several times a day, "Who am I and why am I here?"

Today, I will try to figure out the eternal question "Who am I?"

I am Judi Pratt who was Judi Morrison for 15 years and now I am Judi Pratt.  When I was 15 years old, I had my very first identity crisis.  My given name is Judith and for my whole life, I had spelled my name "Judy".  I decided to be rebellious and change the spelling of my nickname from "Judy" to "Judi".  After all, Judith is spelled with an "I", right?  Boy, I was such a wild teenager as that was the extent of my rebellion, but it really helped me to have an identity of my own.  I felt "Judi" was cute and perky even though on the outside this plus size teen never felt cute or perky.  I usually felt the exact opposite.  Ugly, fat and unloved.

I went to college and solidified part of my identity and that was "Judi Pratt -- Music Teacher".  I love this part of my identity, which I still hold.  I love sharing my love of music with young minds.  I love that I can make a real difference in a child's life.  I am so grateful that God has put me in a position where I can educate and at the same time show the kids I come in contact with that they are wonderful and special.  I love my job!

For 15 years, I was a wife.  This was a HUGE part of my identity and it seems so strange not to be that person any more.  In so many ways, I feel like I've lost half of who I am, however,  I was very confused and misled with that part of my identity.  Who I thought he was and who he thought I was, were definitely not who we really were.  It's bizarre being single after being married for so long.

For my whole life I was the fat girl.  I was plus sized even when I was a teen ager.  Last year, I lost almost 100 pounds.  I look totally different than I ever have.  It's funny because when I was a size 24, I looked in the mirror and saw a woman that was a size 16.  Now that I'm a size 10, I still look in the mirror and see a size 16.  It's ironic how the mind can play tricks on your self image.  I really, really don't feel any smaller than I did a year ago.  The only difference is that I can go into a normal store and buy normal size clothes now.

The next part of my identity that has changed is that for 40 years, I was Gil and Sandra's daughter.  A few years ago, my mom passed away.  I am so grateful that I had the best mom in the world.  She taught me how to be an AMAZING mom.  I have been blessed that when I think of what a mom should be, I have her example to draw on.  For 40 years, I was Gil's daughter.  My dad taught me how to be strong, how to deal with people and how to be strong.  He was the strongest man I knew in so many ways.  I am trying to teach my boys how to be strong men.  Ideally, they would have that daily example in their life, but I am finding that every day, I ask myself "what would my dad do?" when I'm making decisions about my boys.  I have gone from daughter of Gil and Sandra (and in my heart, I will always be their child) to orphan.  My parents are both dead and that is so hard to think about.

Now, one of my priorities is my kids.  I am Danny and Joey's mom.  I live my for my boys.  I cannot think of a more valuable to spend my time than to invest in my children and my kid's future.  A HUGE part of my identity right now tied up in my kids.  I am Mama and I LOVE it.  After going through 10 years of infertility, I never thought that I would ever be a mama, but praise God that He has made that part of who I am.  I am so incredibly blessed.

I may be having an identity crisis in these areas of my life, but there is one area where I KNOW my true identity and that is how my God sees me.


I am God's child (John 1:12)
I am Christ's friend (John 15:15)
I belong to God (1 Corinthians 6:20)
I am a member of Christ's Body (1 Corinthians 12:27)
I am a citizen of heaven (Philippians 3:20))
I am holy and blameless (Ephesians 1:4)
I am adopted as his child (Ephesians 1:5)
I am forgiven (Ephesians 1:8; Colossians 1:14)
I have purpose (Ephesians 1:9 & 3:11)
I have hope (Ephesians 1:12)
I am a personal witness of Jesus Christ (Acts 1:8)
I am God's coworker (2 Corinthians 6:1)
I am God's workmanship (Ephesians 2:10)
I am secure (Ephesians 2:20)
I am a holy temple (Ephesians 2:21; 1 Corinthians 6:19)
I know there is a purpose for my sufferings (Ephesians 3:13)
I am completed by God (Ephesians 3:19)
I have been called (Ephesians 4:1; 2 Timothy 1:9)
I am strong (Ephesians 6:10)
I am not alone (Hebrews 13:5)
I am growing (Colossians 2:7)
I am His disciple (John 13:15)
I am prayed for by Jesus Christ (John 17:20-23)
I am promised eternal life (John 6:47)
I am promised a full life (John 10:10)
I am victorious (I John 5:4)
I am chosen and dearly loved (Colossians 3:12)
I am blameless (I Corinthians 1:8)
I am set free (Romans 8:2; John 8:32)
I am safe (I John 5:18)
I am protected (John 10:28)

I am so blessed that my true identity is really in how God sees me.  He loves me and adores me and He sees my heart, the good, the bad and the ugly and still completely loves who I am.  Because of that, He wants to use my in His plan for my life.  He wants me to be open to His plan.  

So, over the past year, my identity has been turned upside down and inside out.  The drastic changes that I have been through have been so painful, but I know that sometimes pain is necessary for true improvement to happen.  Just like a dilapidated building is often torn down so a new and improved structure can be built, my old identity has been totally torn down.  I'm excited to see the new creation God continues to make in the shadow of my old self.  

My only prayer is that God will take the "new" me and use me for his purpose.

Stay tuned for part two of this entry tomorrow which will answer the question, "Why am I here?"

Sacrifice

Sacrifice [sak-ruh-fahys] -- verb,  to surrender or give up, or permit injury or disadvantage to,for the sake of something else.




What do you think of when you hear the word sacrifice?  I know that I think about the fact that I have to give something up.  As human beings, we are all naturally selfish.  I look out for me, no two ways about it.  I don't believe this is something we are taught, rather an instinct we are born with.  I've watched both of my children go from sweet innocent little babies to selfish toddlers in a matter of days.  As soon as they were mobile, they were looking out for themselves.  Case in point... When Joey was about 10 months old, he was "playing" with a friend about the same age in our living room.  He was crawling around like a pro and the other little boy, who was a few months older was just starting to do that new walking thing where the child is incredibly unstable on his feet.  The other little boy walked over to where Joey was playing with a toy truck and just took it from him.  Joey looked up with me with big tears in his eyes.  I waited to see what would happen and then, without a pause, Joey crawled to where the other little boy was toddling across the floor and took the truck out of his hand, pushing him down to the ground in the process and looking very pleased with himself.  I remember thinking, "Where did he learn that?"  The answer was...  he didn't...  Selfishness is something that I believe we are all born with.  


When I became a mom, I quickly learned that while I was born with these selfish tendencies, when it came to my kids, I would yield my wants and needs to their needs and sometimes their wants.  I go without on many occasions so my kids can be blessed and that is what makes me truly happy.  I would love nothing more than to have a hot shower with no interruptions.  I don't believe that has happened in... well, I can't remember how long.  I could lock the door, but when I'm in the shower, I want my kids to be able to get to me if they need to, so I sacrifice five minutes of peace and quiet for their safety.  I rarely sit to eat a meal as during the meal, I get up five times or more to fill water glasses, blow off hot food, cut meat, spread butter on rolls etc.  I could say, "Sorry kids, mom's eating," but their need for a good meal supersedes my own desire to sit and feast uninterrupted.


And sleep...  Don't even get me started on that one.  I can't remember the last time I got more than a few hours of uninterrupted sleep.  


Do all parents put their needs in front of those of their kids?  I can answer that with an unequivocal "NO!"  After having been in education for so many years, I have seen things that would make your skin crawl as far as parents who neglect their kids.  I'm not just talking about bad parenting, but parents who put their own selfish needs in front of the needs of their kids and then kids who have to fend for themselves to meet their basic needs such as love, food and warmth. 


As a good parent, WHY do we make these sacrifices?  Because it brings us more happiness to see our kids safe and healthy than the pleasure we feel when we put our own needs first.  Right now, I have a four year old snoring peacefully beside me.  He heard me get up to go to the bathroom at around 5 a.m. and crawled in bed with me.  I could have insisted he go back to bed, but my desire to know he would peacefully sleep beside me for a few more hours outweighed the desire to have the bed to myself.  


A good parent is willing to sacrifice all for their children.  All comfort, power, glory, convenience and yes, even their own life for their children.


As most of you know, I'm a Christian.  Why do I believe in Christ?  Because when I look at nature and how magnificently it was designed, I simply cannot believe it was by chance.  There is an obvious design/plan behind our world.  To believe we evolved or this was all by chance mutation, to me, would take even greater faith than to believe that there was a superior life form who designed this world and everything in it.  When I then ask the next logical question as to "Why would a being design this world?" the next logical answer is that they wanted to interact with the world they created in some way.  That is exactly what God the Father did through Christ.  He sacrificed His son so we could know Him more and have a relationship with Him.  The trinity is a tough concept to my little 4 dimensional mind, but Christ is God and He came to earth as a human being to make Himself known to us so we could have a relationship with Him.  (I'm giving you the simplified version of my beliefs.)


Why did He do it?????


Sacrifice


Because the sacrifice brought Him happiness because He is a Good Father who loves His children with a love like no other.


As you go about your Easter weekend, please remember the true meaning behind why we commemorate this day.  It's not because of the eggs or bunnies, it's because of the sacrifice Christ made on the cross and the fact that He not only died, but 3 days later, He conquered death, rose from the grave and is still alive today.


Happy Easter everyone!!

We know that Christ, being raised from the dead, will never die again; death no longer has dominion over him.  The death he died, he died to sin, once and for all; but the life he lives, he lives to God.  So you must consider yourself dead to sin and alive to God in Christ.

                                                       Romans 6:9-11

Yes, I'm content

I was surprised at the response to yesterday's post about why I won't date.  I think I had more hits on my blog yesterday that any other day.  Wow!!

After re-reading the first paragraph, I realized that I said that I wasn't content being single.  That isn't quite true.  I just have a feeling that I wasn't meant to be single for the rest of my life.  I guess it's not that I'm not content, it's just that I have a little bit of a nagging feeling that there will be someone in my life.

I am currently quite content and happy simply being a mom to my boys.  I'm trying to enjoy the good times with my guys like juggling oranges in the kitchen at 9 p.m. or snuggling with both boys in the morning since we are not in a hurry to be anywhere.  These small, precious moments bring me much joy, but it would be wonderful to find another adult to share these precious times with.  I miss when the kids say something funny, giving that knowing look to another grown up and trying to hold the laughter in.  I miss that when I am at the end of my rope, having someone there to share my frustrations with and to give me another opinion as to what to say or what to do with my kids.

I also miss sharing my thoughts and feelings with another adult and having someone sharing with me.  It's hard to be single, but at the same time, I MUST be content in my present state and wait on God's timing.  If I wasn't content, that would mean that I didn't have complete faith in God and His timing.  I am content because I have faith that I am currently doing what God wants me to do and that is raising the boys by myself.

Being single and raising two active young boys is tough.  Dealing with challenging behaviors and not having "backup" is hard.  Having to be both the nurturer and the disciplinarian all the time is tough.  I know that single parenting, while necessary in many cases, is definitely NOT God's perfect plan.  God intends for there to be two people, who by nature are wired differently, to be the two different roles in a child's life and to share the load of raising children.  One person doing both roles is not the "ideal" way to parent.  However,  God can do anything and I pray daily that He equips me with wisdom, patience, strength and love to be be the best mom I can be for my kids.

So, yes, I am content and extremely happy, but I also have a feeling and have faith that there will be more in my life.

Contentment is faith put into action.  I am content because I have faith.  I have faith because God has proven to me over and over again that He is in control of my life if I just have to trust in Him.

It's not easy, but it is worth it.  Instead of trying to manipulate the circumstances to try make my life work the way I think it should, I'm trying to trust daily in God's perfect plan in my life.

"Yet those who wait for the LORD Will gain new strength; They will mount up with wings like eagles, They will run and not get tired, They will walk and not become weary."  ~Isaiah 40:31 

Why I won't date.

First of all, I want to make something very, very clear.  The Bible talks about some people having the gift of singleness.  Those people are have the gift to remain single all of the days of their lives and to be relatively content in serving the Lord in that fashion.  That is NOT me!  I am already praying to meet someone with whom I can share my life.  I am NOT content being single and feel the Lord has someone in mind for me.  I may or may not know who they are right now, but when the time is right, all will be revealed.  I do feel that I am not going to be alone for the rest of my life.

However, I'm not interested in the traditional sense of the word "dating" to find that person.  I've thought and prayed a lot about this.  I think Disney has really skewed our views on how to find the right person.  You are going about your daily life and you bump into "the one"  and fireworks go off and you just know you can't go another second without that person.  While I do believe some people experience this sensation we know as love at first sight, I don't believe it's typical.  While you may feel some sort of immediate attraction to someone and you might thing "hey, I wonder...", generally when you truly fall in love with someone, it's because you are attracted to each other and then you realize you have common goals, interests and beliefs and they complete you.

I don't believe that traditional "dating" is the best way to go about this.  First of all, as a single woman with kids, there are a lot of, shall we say, "interesting" characters out there.  I need to watch out for my kids best interest first.  I do not want to expose them to these unsavory types.  Their safety (and mine) must be my first priority.  Second, I want to model for my kids appropriate behavior when it comes to attraction and getting to know the opposite sex.  I don't want to teach them that it's okay to move from one person to the next, to the next.  Kids learn what they see.  It is completely inappropriate for kids to watch their single parents date and be promiscuous.  (Heck, it's more than completely inappropriate for them to see their parents do this when still legally married... just sayin'  ;)  )  My kids know that I long for companionship and they are trying to set me up with just about every male they meet whether he is 7 or 70, married or single.  Since they are so confused on this issue, I must be firm in my moral beliefs and modeling on this.  I don't want them to reach the age of 16+, want to be intimate or live with their girlfriend and come back to me and say something like, "Mom, why can't I?  You did."   Kids learn what they see and they behave the way they know.  My top priority is setting an example for them and doing this the way God wants me to.

So, how do I meet this person?  I don't have a clue...  I'm leaving that detail up to God.  Just like he brought the perfect kids to me in His timing, He will bring the man who is perfect for me and I am perfect for him to me in His timing as well.  He has proven Himself faithful before and I know He will do this for me again.

What must I do in the mean time...  First and foremost, I am praying for my future husband. I have been for a few months now.  It took me that long to heal from my divorce and to feel the Lord telling me that yes, someday, there will be someone in my life again.

The second thing I need to do is to have clear in my mind what I am looking for in a potential partner, so when he does come in my life, it is very clear that he might be the "one".

Here is my list so far:

1.  He must be a committed Christian, walking with the Lord, with a prayer life and strong relationship with God.

2.  He must be willing to love me enough to die for me.  (Not asking for much, am I?)  The Bible says in Ephesians 5 that the husband needs to love his wife as Christ loved the church.  Christ died for the church physically.  This type of love needs to be a daily sacrificial love, where he is willing to look at the needs of the wife and be willing to demonstrate his love for me.  In return, I will promise to show him the respect he needs as the husband.

3.  He needs to love my kids and be willing to understand that the boys and I are a package deal.  Even though he's not the kids' dad, he needs to have good "dad" qualities.  If we are going to live together as a family with the kids, this is a must.  This is what they deserve.



So, if you would all join me in praying that this man would appear in my life very soon  in God's timing, I would appreciate the prayers.

Wal-Mart

For a single mom, Wal-Mart is one of the blessings or curses there is in my life.  The blessing is that I usually can get anything I need fairly cheap in one stop.  The curse--  It is way too overstimulating for my boys and there is far too much distraction for them.  A shopping trip that should take a half hour to forty-five minutes often takes twice that.

Here was our trip yesterday:

Shopping list

Rosemary and Olive oil Triscuits (Mom's weakness)
Eggs
New oven mitt
Skewers for our new firepit
Hot dogs and buns for the cookout last night
Marshmallows also for the cookout
9 patio stones to place under our new firepit

So here's how it went down.  We walked through the door and it was about 11:30.  We had eaten breakfast at 7:00 a.m., so we were all hungry and I hadn't had my coffee.  The in-store Dunkin Donuts kiosk was calling our name.  I bought myself a large Hazelnut with skim milk and splenda and let the kids splurge and each get a donut and a hot chocolate.  Joey wanted a chocolate frosted donut and we had to ask for them to put the sprinkles on.  Danny wanted a strawberry frosted donut, also with sprinkles (a new choice for him).  Out of habit, I ordered 2 chocolate covered donuts with sprinkles.  Danny had a mini-meltdown.  In all fairness, he was hungry and I was the one who messed up and ordered the wrong thing, so I had the boys sit at a table while I waited in line again to place the correct order for Danny.  When I returned to the table, Joey was crying tears of pain.  I asked what was wrong and he had burnt his throat on his hot chocolate.  So back in line I went to ask for a piece of ice for his hot chocolate.  By this time, they were done and I hadn't even started my coffee so I had a large cup of coffee with me (remember this for later details) and I decided to bring this with me as we started to shop.

First stop, the bakery...  Kids had to get a cookie.  Both of my boys, especially Danny are creatures of habit.  I guess it's a tradition and he would have bugged begged me for a cookie for the entire trip, so I caved and let them ask for a cookie from the deli.  It really is good practice of polite manners.  If they want a cookie, I make them ask with "May I please..."  Next stop, produce even though it's not on my list. I noticed that corn was in and I thought it might go nicely with our cookout tonight.  I got some corn and tried to shuck it with 3 other moms and kids hovering around the waste basket.  At this point, my kids decided that the silk on the floor would look really funny in each other's hair.  Inspired by the movie Tangled, they kept putting the silk in their hair and saying they were Rapunzel.  The other moms weren't impressed.  Personally, I thought they were being fairly creative.  So, I stopped shucking.  I could shuck at home.

Next stop.  We saw a friend that Joey wants to play with.  His mom and I exchanged numbers while our kid waited.  We were beside the meat at this point and Danny decides that the rings of hamburger covered with plastic are just too tempting and pokes his fingers into it while I was distracted.  I guess we're having hamburgers tonight at our cookout instead of hot dogs.

We walked around for about 15 minutes looking for the marshmallows.  I asked 3 different workers, none of whom had a clue where the marshmallows were.  One actually said "It's down that way" and pointed me toward the soda/juice and wine.  Now I KNOW there are no marshmallows over there.  At some point, unbeknownst to me, on our search for marshmallows, my coffee gets spilled and has slowly dripped out all over the floor.  I look down and like Hansel and Gretel, we have left a trail.  I find yet another worker and apologize for the mess and explain that we had been sent on a wild goose chase for marshmallows, hence the the trail of coffee and they may want to educate their workers that they were on the bottom shelf underneath the selection of cooking supplies.

At this point, I look down in the cart and cannot find my wallet.  I KNOW I left it in the front basket.  Panic starts to ensue when a very nice, older woman, who follows our coffee trail comes over to me with my wallet and says, "I think this is yours.  Your youngest son put it down in the butter section."  She then smiles and adds, "I followed your trail to find you."  Good thing she has a  sense of humor.  I suspect she also raised active boys.

We go by the eggs and I decide to pass.  We can go one more day until I really need them and with all that's happened so far, I decide not to risk it.  A trail of hazelnut coffee is bad enough.  Can you imagine what a trail of egg whites would look like?

Next we proceed to the lawn and garden area.  In order to get there, however, we must pass the video game section and the toys.  I warn the boys ahead of time that we are NOT stopping for any reason at all.  Of course, right in front of the video games, we see an old friend.  I have not spoken with her in years, so we stop to have a conversation.  That's it...  The boys are gone.  It was a nice distraction for them so I could catch up with my friend, but when it's time to pull them away and continue on our trip, I have to add about 5 more minutes of "Come on boys"  "Time to go" and "If you don't come, I'll..."  Finally, they pull themselves away and head back to the cart.  We have a brief argument about who's turn it is to stand on the end and who stands on the front of the cart and leans against me while I push.  Once decided, we continue on our way.

The boys are attached to the cart so just as fast as I can, I push the cart past the toys ignoring all requests to stop and look at the toys.  I tell the boys to hold on tight and I weave through the other parents trying to avoid the toy aisle as well.  We pass the parents that have either caved or are shopping for birthday gifts, teary eyed kids who are being told they cannot have this or that and joyous children that have gotten their prize, a new truck or doll.

Into the garden section we go.  I promise the boys this is the last stop.  I spoke too soon.  I quickly find the skewers, but not the patio stone.  After much inquiry, I am told that I need to tell the woman at the checkout which stone I want and then go through "drive thru" to get it.    My kids are excited that Wal-Mart has a drive thru like MacDonald's.  They excitedly ask if they can order a happy meal and I laugh with the cashier.  We finish checking out and proceed to the car.  At this point, the parking lot is mobbed and a woman spots that I am loading my car and if she could get my spot, she would be as close to the front of the parking lot as she could get.  So, now we must hurry which is nearly impossible with a 4 and 7 year old.  She pulls her car to the side and puts her blinker on pulls to the side.  I implore the boys to get into their car seats, but, of course, they are fooling around, teasing each other.  I get the cart unloaded and put my cart away.  When I get back in my car, Danny is still trying to buckle.  Buckling is a new task for him.  Of course, he's fumbling with it.  I offer to help, but he shouts, "I can do it mysewf!!"  Lady in the waiting car is getting impatient.  I again offer to help, but Mr. Independence is sooo close he can taste it.  "Almost got it", he proclaims.  2 minutes later (which seems like an eternity) I finally hear the click.

I throw my car in reverse and start to back out and a man yells at me to watch out.  Truth is, I did see him and the 5 foot fake Fica Tree that he was carrying, but he was not even near my car when I started to back out.  He literally picked up his walking pace just so he'd be behind me and then could complain.  I stop the car sensing he might fake me hitting him and then sue.  The lady behind me then beeps the horn and the guy yells at me again, "Where did you get your license?"  I'M NOT THE ONE WHO TOOTED THE HORN!!!!

Finally, I pull out of my space and pull through the garden drive through to get my patio tiles.  The kids are disappointed that there are no happy meals here.  I get my tiles and off I go.  Phew!!!  What a trip.

We get home and I realize.  I forgot my triscuits.  Oh well, I'll pick them up on my next adventure.

The Best Laid Plans

As the old joke goes, if you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans for your life.  As children and young adults, we are told to dream big and work hard to achieve our dreams when we are young.  It is good for us, as mothers, to encourage our children to set goals and work toward them, but what happens when life doesn’t turn out as planned?

Many of us get discouraged.  Discouragement is a feeling that everyone has felt at one point or another in their life.  We dream, plan, work and all too often the circumstances of life take us from the road we thought we were on down a completely different path.  When this happens, it can feel like we are going from a smooth, paved, wide road with shade trees on each side of us, streams of water flowing for refreshment and plentiful berries and fresh fruit for us to partake to a our journey to a bumpy, narrow, dark, road where we cannot find refreshment or comfort.  We may question God at this point as to why He has put us on this road.  It is not a bad thing to question the “whys” in our life as it can reveal that you’ve been put on that path for a specific reason.  Maybe that reason is because at the end of that path, there is a much better destination waiting for you than where you were originally headed or maybe at the end of that path, there is a person that is hurting and God wants to use you to minister to their soul.  One thing we can have faith in is that God uses ALL circumstances for His good purpose.  In that we can have comfort.  When we face trials, it is because He wants to use your life to glorify Him.

It can be a dangerous practice, however, to question God and then tell Him that you have a better plan for your life.  All to often, that can be our mindset when life doesn’t go as we hoped it would.  Loneliness, frustration, bitterness and anger are often the feelings that follow discouragement.  If we look to the root of those feelings, however, we find that the cause of all of these negative feelings really boils down to selfishness.  WE DIDN’T GET WHAT WE WANTED.  Like a spoiled child, we may lash out in anger at God.  We may cry out in pain and beg and plead for us to get our own way and when that doesn’t happen, we may question God’s very presence.  We may say things like, “If there really is a loving God, why is He making me go through this?!”  

Last night, as I was making dinner, Joey misbehaved and was sent to his room.   I was cooking burgers and hot dogs on the grill and he decided to spit on a part of the grill where there was no food.  I was disgusted and angry.  I can sort of see how that is a "boy" thing to do, but in all honesty, he knew better.  On the way to his room, he looked at me and said, “I wish I was in a different family.”  I calmly (believe it or not) told him to continue upstairs and I would be up to speak with him about his behavior in a few minutes.  He continued to stomp up the stairs, grumbling the whole way.  Once he got upstairs, I heard him thrashing around in his bedroom.  When I went upstairs, I could sense that he was angry, so I asked him what was up.  He told me that he didn’t think I loved him.  I assured him that he received discipline because I loved him.  If I just let him do whatever he wanted to do, he would end up not learning right from wrong and not making good choices and because I’m older and have had life experiences, I could foresee the path he would end up on and ultimately, it would not be a good one.

God knows the future.  He can see all of the possibilities that lay in front of us and He only wants the best for us.  Sometimes things happen and you have done NOTHING wrong and it still seems like you are facing unjust consequences.  This is the time when you have to blindly trust that God knows what is best for you and that even though you cannot understand why you are facing trials, He has a reason.  The very definition of the word faith is to have a complete trust or confidence in something.  Just as I ask my child to trust me when I give him consequences or make a decision for him, God asks us to do the same.  Like a good parent wants the best for his children, our Heavenly Father wants the best for us.

If you are facing trials right now, I encourage you to turn to God, trust in Him and seek to follow His will for your life.  Instead of acting like a petulant child and lashing out at God for your circumstances, I encourage you to look at them as positively as you can.  I often get frustrated at my life and yes, at the Lord, but when I step back and say, "Hey, I wonder what God is doing?", I can almost feel an excitement.  I can look at my trials in a different light and see that they are for my own good and to make my life better than it was.  God truly loves you and wants only the best for his precious children.  Turn to Him, ask Him for guidance and have faith in His plan for your life.


"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  ~Jeremiah 29:11 

The Light at the end of the tunnel.

There is a song at church that we sing called "Tunnel" by the group Third Day.  It talks about the fact that even though you may be going through trials, there will be an end to them and you will eventually see the light at the end of the tunnel.  For over a year, they've been a lifeline to me.  Every time we've sung this song, I've clung to the fact that no matter what I've been going through, it WILL get better.  Things will change and there is hope in the future.  Today, I realized that I am finally at the point where I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.  My life is brighter than it has been in the past year.  I am so grateful for that.

Tonight at church, we had an extended time of prayer.  One of the circumstances that pastor mentioned was if someone was in a trial that seemed overwhelming or consuming of their life.  For the first time in over a year I thought, "Hey, that's not me."  My trials have consumed my every waking thought for the past year, but praise God, I can say that I am finally at the point where I have some peace and joy.

I briefly shared with the church tonight some of the trials I've been through.  I need to actually write out my testimony because God has been so good to me.  He has taken me out of a deep dark place and has set me in a place where I have peace.  That's not to say that I'm always thrilled with my life.  This is definitely not where I thought my life would be.  Being a single parent to two extremely busy special needs kids is a challenge daily, but I have peace that God will sustain me, give me what I need and get me through my trials.  He has proven that He is able over and over again this past year.

I am praying right now about sharing my story and someday, I know that I will do that.  I do want to be sure that I tell the truth of all that happened without putting out details that my kids could find someday that could be harmful to them.  I tried to shelter my children from so much this past year, but at the same time, I would love to have God use the circumstances of my life to minister to others.  Just know this.  My life has had more unbelievable drama than a Lifetime TV movie.  God sustained me and got me through.  I have joy and survived.  My life is better and continues to get better.

I can't wait to see what else God has in store for me.  Whether it is a trial or a blessing, I know that ultimately I will end up standing in the light of God's love and my life will be better because of it.

"I won't pretend to know what you're thinking

I can't begin to know what you're going through
I won't deny the pain that you're feeling
But I'm gonna try and give a little hope to you

Just remember what I've told you
There's so much you're living for


There's a light at the end of this tunnel
There's a light at the end of this tunnel
For you, for you
There's a light at the end of this tunnel
Shinin' bright at the end of this tunnel
For you, for you

So keep holdin' on

You've got your disappointments and sorrows
You ought to share the weight of that load with me
Then you will find that the light of tomorrow
It brings a new life for your eyes to see

Just remember what I've told you
There's so much you're living for


There's a light at the end of this tunnel
There's a light at the end of this tunnel
For you, for you
There's a light at the end of this tunnel
Shinin' bright at the end of this tunnel

For you, for you"

What--A--Day!!!!!

Have you ever heard the saying, "I've had a day and a half,"?  Well, yesterday I think I had a whole week in the span of a day.

It started yesterday morning.  I decided to ride my bike to school, which would normally be no big deal, but I had to add air to my tires as I had not ridden the bike for months.  So, the night before, I went out and bought a little plug in cigarette lighter air compressor.  I figured I'd use it to blow up air mattresses and stuff this summer when we were camping, so it was worth it.   So around 6 a.m., I'm out in my driveway, blowing up my tires.  It's about 40* out, and I look up and there is Danny, as naked as a jay bird, standing in the driveway wanting to know where his clothes were.  I usually lay out the clothes on the couch for the boys before they get up, but didn't expect him to get up so early, so they weren't out yet.  I got a really nasty look from my elderly neighbor and I'm really surprised she didn't call protective services on me because my 4 year old was running around outside without clothes at 6 a.m.  I went back it, got out his clothes and proceeded to go back outside to work on my bike.  Finished pumping up the tire just in time to hear a shriek inside the house.  Apparently, Joey had woken up and had taken the last pop-tart and the boys were arguing over it.  They both were STARVING and couldn't wait for their real breakfast.


I left for school and had a wonderful ride in and then I remembered that Joey had a dr.'s appointment and my babysitter was going to pick me up after school.  I had to figure out a way to get my bike home.

We went to Joey's well child check up and he's doing great!!  He has had a growth spurt and is in the 95% for height and only the 60% for weight.  He's always been fairly average, so the dr wasn't concerned at all.  We dropped off Ang, our babysitter, and went to the school to get the bike and my van, that I put $600 into on Monday died.

I called the garage at around 4:30 and they told me that they closed at 5:30 so I needed to get the car out immediately so they could look at it.  They called a tow for me and at 5:15 the truck still wasn't there.  I was getting a little nervous.  Finally we got the car in the garage at 5:20.  They looked at it for 5 minutes and said, "It's probably the fuel pump."  I said, "How much will that be?"  They said "$500 approximately"  UGH!!  I did well.  I didn't cry, scream or throw things.  I felt like doing those things, but I was good.  They told me they couldn't get to the car until the next morning.

Thank goodness my friend and fellow teacher, Jesse drove me to the garage and stayed with the boys while I talked to the mechanic.  As soon as I found this out at 5:35 p.m. I called Enterprise to see if I could get a rental.  Walking with two small children is not a lot of fun, so this was sort of a necessity.  Enterprise told me that they closed at 6:00 so I had to get out there ASAP.  Jesse drove me out to Enterprise and I was hooked up with a small Dodge something or other that only has 2136 miles on it.  Nice!!

As soon as we picked up the car I realized that my house keys and my laptop was in the van. So back out to the garage we went.  Thank goodness, one of the workers was still there hanging out/flirting with the ladies that work at the attached convenience store.  He was happy to let me in to get my belongings out of the car.

The boys were starved at this point, so we swung through McDonald's.  I got them dinner and then headed over to Liberty Tax to sign my returns so I can get some $$ back to pay for my new car repairs.  Just as we were getting out of the car, Danny dumps his dinner all over the ground.  I hadn't eaten since noon, but since he is my baby and honestly, I knew if he didn't eat, he'd be a pill to deal with, I gave him my filet-o-fish sandwich which I really shouldn't have been eating anyway.

Got my taxes done, swung through Rite-Aid to get Joey's new meds only to find out the Dr. forgot to call one in.

Once we were home, I told the boys that they could play as much WII as they wanted.  Mommy needed a little time to herself.  I went in my room and watched a movie from streaming Netflix, hoping the boys would put themselves to bed.  LOL!!  No such luck, but Danny did fall asleep on his bed.

I went upstairs and got him in his PJ's and got Joey in bed.  When I laid down on my bed, the song "This is the stuff" by Francesca Batistelli.  One thing I've learned this past year is that life happens.  We can't control our circumstances, only how we react to them.  I'm trying not to let myself stress over stuff I can't control.  Life will go on.  How I view and deal with my trials really effects the quality of my life.  So I'm praising God for my crazy day.  I still have my kids, my health, my life, my home, my amazing family and friends.

I love this song!!

He thinks I'm cute!!

There is never a dull moment at my house.  My boys keep me in stitches or make me want to pull my hair out most of the time.  Last night was one of those night's where I couldn't stop laughing.

I was cooking dinner and Danny saunters into the room, looks at me and says, "Hey there, darlin'!"  with his hands on his hips and one knee thrust out at me in a dapper looking way.  He gave me a wink and off he went.  I had all I could do not to burst out laughing.

Later that night, I put Danny to bed early because he was exhausted and Joey and I had some one on one time.  As I was putting him in bed and rubbing his back, he looked at me and said, "Mama, you are so cute.  Why don't you have a boyfriend or a husband?"  I was a little surprised and said, "I guess God isn't ready for me to have a boyfriend or husband, yet.  Maybe someday."  Joey then looked at me and said, "Well if you don't get busy soon and find one, I'll find one for you."  (That's a scary prospect considering Joey's first choice for me would probably be the skate guard at the roller rink.)  I told him that I was praying about finding a potential husband, but I would leave that choice up to God.  God would find the right person when it was time.

I found that statement was easy to say, but not so easy to believe.  To be honest, it's really, really hard to be single with two young boys.  I would love to find someone with whom I can share my life, but it has to be the right person for me and for the boys.  I'll also be honest when I say that I'm a little scared.  I've been through so much this past year, more than most people could possibly imagine.  To say that I'm a little hesitant to put my heart on my sleeve would be an understatement.  When you love, you risk.  I took a risk and got pretty beaten up and beaten down because of it.  I don't ever want to feel that type of pain again.

But, at the same time, to quote Leonardo DaVinci from the movie "Ever After", "A life without love is no life at all."  So here I am, scared, hesitant and hopeful.  One thing I do have is faith in God.  I am going to trust in Him to bring the right person to me.  In these days of E-Harmony and Match.com, I'm going to leave my match to the ultimate matchmaker.  God is truly my father and He loves me more than anything.  He wants only what's best for me and for the boys, so I will trust Him.  His plan for my life may not include a future spouse and I will have to trust that there is a reason for that.  Maybe He has planned for me to go to Africa to do missions work or maybe simply to devote my life to raising my amazing children.  I don't know what His plans are for me, but I do know that His plans for me are for good and not evil.  In Him, I have a future and a hope.



"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  ~Jeremiah 29:11

Money, money, money, money

One of the lessons of first grade math that most teachers, students and parents dread is the lesson on the almighty dollar or in particular, how to count the many confusing coins that we have in our american monetary system.  If you view the lesson like a 7 year old, it really doesn't make any sense that the dime is the smallest coin.  You'd think that the penny would be the smallest, followed by the nickel, the dime, the quarter, the half dollar and then the dollar coin.  However, that is simply not the case.  If you could sort by color, that would make sense also, but only the  penny is a different metal.  So, what's a mom to do when trying to teach the concept of money???

I was in the teacher's room at my school the other day and a fellow parent of another first grader was talking about the woes he was facing with this unit.  He and I commiserated for a while and then he mentioned to me that he was telling his son that any coins that were found were his if he could count them accurately.  Knowing my son's love of money, I figured that would be a great motivating factor as well, so I instituted the same policy at my house, however, I added a twist.  If he didn't count the money right the first time, it went into a "kitty" and once a day we would count the "kitty".  If he could count it accurately, he could keep it, if not, he had to wait until the end of the next day at which time there might be more money in it making the task even more difficult.  Joey soon learned to count the money accurately the first time.

So, Joey has spent the last several days counting money everywhere we find it.  When we go to the store, Joey can get the change (coins only).  If he counts them correctly, into his piggy bank they go, if not they go into the "kitty".  At Sam's club the other day, he just about tackled an elderly lady to get the dime under her foot.  Thank goodness she had a sense of humor.    He has been helping me with laundry and has cleaned out our couch about 10 times.  Counting money has turned into a game.  I think in his piggy bank, he probably has accumulated $3 or $4 so far.

Yesterday, we received a note home from school stating that the money unit was a relatively short unit time-wise, however, since most children were still struggling with many of the concepts, the teacher was going to extend the unit another week.  She asked if we would please review the concept with our children.  Attached to the note was our child's unit test over money so we could see how they did.  Well......, my little capitalist got a 100 on his test.  I was very proud of him as he has been working so hard.

I guess money does really make the world go round.   Next weekend, I will be teaching him how to give back.  I firmly believe to whom much is given, much is required.  We will be counting what is in his piggy bank and he will have to save 10% and donate 10%.  He was really good at making money, we shall see how good he is at giving it away.

I think I've lost my marbles!

We've had a crazy few days here, but that's nothing new.  Appropriately, it started on Friday, April 1st (April Fool's Day).  Joey is a jokester and is always "pranking" me and is always begging me to be pranked.  He loves a good joke and lives to scheme about the next way he's going to "get" someone.

So... God decided to play a little prank on most of us in the state of Maine and that was what started all of this craziness.  On Friday morning, I awoke to my phone ringing stating that school was cancelled due to inclement weather.  In other words, we were going to get a huge, honking snowstorm.  When all was said and done, ended up getting 12 inches of snow.  This is unusual to say the least even for this part of the country.  I let both kids sleep until about 8 a.m. and then I woke them both up saying that they had to get up as we'd overslept and it was way past time to go to school.  I got them up and dressed in a hurry and then said, "April Fool's!"  Joey thought it was great!  He laughed and laughed and couldn't believed I'd pranked him.  Then, I realized that I'd started something.  When was he going to prank me?

At about 10 a.m., he came running downstairs and he said, "Mom, please don't be mad at me." I thought for sure this was the prank.  I calmly said, "What's wrong, sweetheart?" and he said, "I swallowed the marble from my mousetrap game."  Playing along, I said, "Oh no, we need to go to the doctor.  I think you'll have to have an operation."  At this point, when I was expecting to hear, "April Fool's", Joey burst into tears.  Uh oh!!  I looked at him and said, "You're not pranking me are you?" and through tears he said, "No, I really did swallow the marble from my Mousetrap game.  I was laying on the floor and I put it in my mouth and when I stood up I just sort of swallowed it."  I calmly said, "I think you're fine, but let me call the doctor just to be sure."

So, I called the doctor's office and was told that as long as the marble was smaller than 2.5 inches in diameter (which thankfully it is) than we should be fine.  I was asked to examine anything that passed from his body to insure that we would know when the foreign object passed.  It has now been 3 days and still no sign of the marble.  I was re-assured by Joey's pediatric GI specialist that the marble can stay in the GI tract for quite a while so as long as he's eating and drinking, he should be fine.

Now we wait and wait and wait....  I keep telling myself.  "This too shall pass!"  I can't wait until it does.