A Time to Remember

A year ago today my daddy died.  I have been dreading this day for the longest time.  I have been in denial about it.  I have had people implore me to think of a way to commemorate it and if it weren't for my boys, I would have commemorated it by going back to bed and denying that this day ever had to exist.  But, since it does exist, I had to think about how I was going to spend it.  I really, really wanted to spend it with my boys and my Aunt Maggie at the place on the planet earth that meant the most to my dad.  We went to our family camp.  Let me explain how important this camp is to me and my family.  I have spent at least a week every summer at this camp since I was an infant.  My dad did the same.  We both learned to swim here, we spent time with family here, we learned to waterski here, we learned to treat nature gently here, we gazed at an amazing night sky with millions of stars here and wondered about God here, we watched wildlife here, we learned to fish here and the most important lesson we learned here was how valuable family is and how family supports one another and how family is always there for each other.

I had several people tell me that I should bring pictures of my dad to camp, build a fire, talk about him and reminisce about his life today.  I will be honest, that just didn't feel right to me.  I came to the realization about a week ago as to what I needed to do today.  I needed to go to my camp with the people that love me the most and just BE!!  I needed to build new  family memories with my kids.  I needed to be at camp thinking about my Daddy and exactly what he meant to me.  He was the most amazing dad a girl could have and I miss him so much every day.  I feel like in many ways, I'm floundering in my life and my ability to be a good mom.  I know if my dad was still here, he would be helping me and giving me advice on how to be a good parent.  But, he is not here.  I have to rely on all that he taught me and that is exactly what I am doing.  Daddy died way to young, but he did leave me with the skills that I need to help my kids be amazing young men.  That was his legacy to me.  He taught me how to be a good parent.

Daddy, I love you and miss you so much.  I wish you were here with me to still help me and give me advice, but you're not here.  You did teach me how to be a good parent and I am trying with ever fiber of my being to be as good of a parent to Danny and Joey as you were to me.  Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!  I love you and I will be indebted to you forever for everything you gave to me.  I pray I can be half as good of a parent to Danny and Joey as you were to me.

                                  My Daddy

My boys having fun and making a new memory today.

We saw several deer on the way into camp.  Dad loved wildlife and they made me think of him.

Our mini-vacation

The boys and I went away for the night.  It was just an hour away, but it felt like we went on vacation for a month.  It's amazing how just a change in scenery can do wonders for your outlook on life.

On Monday, I packed the boys, an overnight bag, sleds and a few toys and we went to my aunt Maggie's house.  We hung out with her, she took us on a hike where we went sliding and then we went to Portland and went to Chuck E. Cheese.  We texted my cousin Sally, who responded that Chuck E. Cheese is heaven for kids, but the opposite for the adults.  I wholeheartedly agree with her.  The kids had a blast and I had fun watching them have fun but I was ready to leave when the tokens were gone.

We then went to Whole Foods (for the grown-ups) and ate in the cafe and headed back to Maggie's for the night.

We got up this morning and Maggie made me her famous Peanut Butter pancakes which I haven't had since I was a child.  She used to make them for the kids when we stayed with her at our family camp.  Talk about memories!!  It's amazing how food can do that.

We got dressed, went sliding again at a different hill and then the boys and I headed home.  I was blessed to be able to go to a women's Bible study tonight and I fell sooooo refreshed.

Here are some pictures from our mini vacation.

I love this picture!!  

Joey, my Aunt Maggie, Danny

Cool Dudes in the car

With Chuck

Beautiful Winter Scenery

Am I my brother's keeper?

Yesterday was Joey's real birthday.  He is having his party with friends and family on Saturday, but yesterday was the actual day he turned 7.  I found some really cool gifts at Fat BrainToys and ordered them last week.  They came in via UPS on Tuesday night when Joey was up playing in his room.  Danny saw the box come in and watched where I put it.  He asked me what it was and I told him that it was some gifts for Joey's birthday.  Knowing he CANNOT keep a secret, when he asked what the gifts were, I told him a Barbie Doll and some My Pretty Pony toys.  Of course, he couldn't keep THAT a secret and ran right up and told Joey.  Joey looked at me and said, "You're lying, right?"  I said, "Well, you won't know until Saturday.

So, last night, I let Joey open one gift before we went out to dinner.  He opened the gift and he and Danny were quietly playing it in his room...  So I thought...

I was putting dishes away, reveling in the solitude and joy of my two children playing together peacefully, I came to the sudden realization that they were TOO quiet.  Most parents know that when your kids are excessively quiet and it's voluntary, it usually means they were up to something.  And guess what... they were.

Danny had gone into my closet, retrieved Joey's box of birthday gifts and had brought the box upstairs, where, apparently he told his brother that I said it was okay for him to open it because after all, it was his 'birfday'.

Joey didn't need much arm twisting, so he opened up all of his gifts.  They both were playing happily with his gifts when I went upstairs.  I'm glad that he liked the gifts, but it made me a little sad that I didn't get to see his face as he opened them.

I had a long talk with Danny about lying and a similar talk with Joey about common sense.  (why would mom send up a birthday gift and tell him to open it without being present.)

I had to smile.  It was sort of cute and again, served as a picture as to my own behavior and my own life.

I'm like Danny.  I can't stand not knowing what's in the box.  I'm constantly asking God to let me in on his plan.  Tell me the details.  I WANNA KNOW NOW!!!

I'm also like Joey.  I may not choose or seek out activities that I know I'm not supposed to do, but if someone presents it to me and tells me what I suspect is a not the truth, I may just say, "Okay, I believe you,"  even if I know they are not being truthful.  The truth is that I may say I can resist temptation, but when someone else gives me a good excuse, it's hard not to give in to it.

It's fun to watch my children's behavior because it is so reflective on many levels of my own actions.  I prayed last night to try to be more patient and to try to do what's right even though someone may present me with a good excuse as to why I shouldn't do something.

I'm excited for Joey's party on Saturday.  If you are attending the party on Saturday, please don't think I'm a horrible parent.  I really DID get my kid gifts, however, he's already opened them.   I'm so blessed that my little man is 7 years old.  I love him so much and enjoy watching him turn into the person he will become.  Hopefully, he's learned his lesson in patience and honesty.

Hopefully, I will learn the same lesson before I have my 80th birthday.

Love

Okay, I hate February 14th.  I'll admit it.  I am to Valentine's Day what Scrooge is to Christmas.  I felt like saying "Bah Humbug" all day and closing and locking my door.  Maybe it's because this holiday has gotten so commercialized.  Maybe because it puts a lot of undue pressure on a lot of people to express their love even when they don't know the best way to do it.  Maybe because for people like me, without a significant other, it reminds us of how lonely we really are.  When all you hear about around you is how happy others are on this day, it really, really stabs you in the heart.  I couldn't even listen to the radio today without being reminded how blissfully happy others were.  Bah Humbug!!

However...  I do like that Valentine's Day suits to promote the most important human emotion that we possess, LOVE.

This Bible verse is often quoted and I really like it because defines the word love in a clear, concise and understandable way.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." 1 Corinthians 13:4-8


I have learned a lot about love this past year.  Although I have not been "in love", I have experienced love in many ways.  I have learned what it is and what it is not.  I learned that others may view love very differently than how I view it.  


To me, love is a feeling that follows as the result of actions.  You may have heard the old DC Talk song "Love is a verb".  I really enjoy that song, but I don't feel that it is entirely truthful.  Love is the emotion that results when someone performs an action that is selfless and it benefits you personally.  It also is the action that is performed because you feel that emotion.  So it's sort of like what came first, the chicken or the egg?  Do you show someone you love them because they showed that they loved you or do you feel love for someone and then follow it up with the actions?  When do you first know you love someone?  What does love look like?


I have a simple answer...  God!  It says in the Bible that "God is love"  He showed us that He loved us first.  He is the start of love.  He wants you to share the love He shows you to others.


I never really understood love until I first laid eyes on my son Joey when he was an infant.  The minute I first saw him look up at me, I instantly felt love.  I knew that I would die for this child if I was ever put in that position.  Instantly, I would show the actions to back up my feelings if I needed to.  That type of love can only come from God.  Joey had done nothing at that point other than look at me to earn my love.  God loves us the same way.  You can do nothing to earn His love for you.  He just LOVES you and he would die for you.  In fact, He did through His only son Jesus.


That my friends is the ultimate demonstration of love.  It is not what Hallmark wants you to believe it is which is buying of cards, candy and flowers.  It is not the necklace you can get at Jared.  It is the feeling that precedes the action, the action itself and the feelings that come after and it was demonstrated to us all by the creator of the universe through His son Jesus.

As I was getting ready for bed tonight, Joey came into my room.  I had a really, really rough day today as did he.  He crawled up on the bed tonight and said, "Mama, you are the love of my life.  Will you be my Valentine?"  I was already crying, but through tears I somehow choked out, "Absolutely."  He said, "Mama, I know today's Valentine's Day, but I wanted you to know that you are the love of my life everyday."  Melted my heart.  Of course, he then wanted to know if he could go get a heart shaped sugar cookie out of the kitchen.  How could I say "No" to that?  So he goes to the kitchen and then comes back with the sugar cookie and says "I love you so much.  Here's a piece of my heart" and proceeds to give me a piece of the sugar cookie.  It was tiny, but hey, it was a piece.

Someday he's going to be a phenomenal husband and father.  He already knows how to show love in a very real, practical way.  As his mom, my job is to protect his heart and to continue to shepherd it to bring out that love and help him control any hate or anger that may go into it.  We all feel those negative emotions, but love has to be the primary way we live our life.

Love bears all things, believes all things, endures all things, hopes all things.  Love never fails.

Counting my blessings -- Friends

These next two weeks are going to be really, really tough for me.  Just warning you and giving you the heads up.  If it seems like I'm down or you think I'm ignoring you, I'm probably not.  I just have a lot of "stuff" going on in my mind this week.  Here is what I'm facing...

Feb 14 -- Valentine's day.  Never a fun day when you're single.

Feb 16 --  Joey's bday.  A happy day, but a little stressful now that your family situation has changed.

Feb 17 -- Year anniversary since the soon-to-be-ex (STBX) and I separated

Feb 19 -- Joey's public birthday party. Again, another happy day, but a little stressful in the light of every thing going on.

Feb 24 --  STBX's birthday.  Not planning on celebrating it, but the kids need to acknowledge it in someway.  Not sure exactly how they are going to do that yet.

Feb 27 -- The one year anniversary of my dad's death.

Okay, so now you know what I'm up against.  I really could go to bed, hibernate and wake up in March, but that's not feasible when you have a few jobs and two kids.  So, I will do my best to muddle through.

That brings me to the point of my post today.  Over the next few weeks, I will explore the many blessings in my life.  I think when you focus on the good, the bad has to take a back seat and if you focus on the good long enough, eventually the bad gets out of the car and finds another ride.

My friends are one of the most amazing blessings in my life.  I have had good, close personal friendships my whole life.  Some friends I've lost touch with and others I'm still very close to.  I love my friends and how thoughtful they are.  Last night, I got together with a group of friends, teachers from my school.  My fellow faculty members have always been supportive of me.  Last year when everything happened, they stood beside me, listened while I cried, supported me, watched my kids and even dropped everything to be with me when I was in the hospital.  I am so blessed to have a job working with some of the finest people I know.  Thank you my fellow JFDS teachers!!  We had so much fun last night playing bunco.  I am looking forward to playing again in March!

I've also had many friends that have come along beside me and have listened to me this year as I've struggled to get my life back together.  There are soooo many of you that have blessed me in so many ways, especially the things that are seemingly little to you like a call just to see how I'm doing, a meal, an offer to watch the kids so I can get my hair done, flowers to brighten my day, a card, a text of an encouraging Bible verse, a walk just to get out etc...  There are soooo many ways so many of you have blessed me this year.  Thank you so much and please know that those things that you did have been like gold to me.  Thank you for being such a treasure to me.  I love you all!!!

The Great Tickle Fight!!!!

We got home, had dinner and I was doing some work on my laptop when Danny crawled under the table.  The next thing I knew, he was pulling on my legs.  I asked him what he was doing and he said in a sly little voice, "Nevermind".  I continued on with my work and the next thing I knew Joey was under the table grabbing at my ankles.  I said, "What are you two doing????"  They both giggled back at me.  Then, without notice, they yanked my socks off and started tickling my feet.  My feet are the most ticklish spot on my body.  I started to laugh.  The next thing I knew, they were ganging up on my tickling my feet, my armpits, under my neck and I was tickling back.  The three of us were in HYSTERICS.  I tried to calm them down and tell them it was bed time, but I had no luck.  So, I did what any mom would do...  I riled them up more.  I ran around the house and they started to chase me.  Then...   I ran straight up to their bedroom.  (I'm a SMART mom.)

They took the bait and ran after me.  I jumped up on Joey's bed and they jumped up with me giggling and tickling.  We tickled each other for another 5 minutes and then to my shock and amazement, they both got in their PJ's, brushed their teeth and got into their bed.  As I was putting them to bed tonight, Joey said, "Mom, can we do this every night when we're good.  It put so much joy in my heart."  (Yes, he really DOES talk like that.  I love the way he sees life.)

I told him that he doesn't have to be good for us to do things like that.  We really should be doing something like that every day.

Okay,  here's my confession...  When they started to get under the table and tickle my feet, I got grumpy in my heart.  I really wanted to get my work done and not to be distracted by my children's silliness.  I thought in my mind, "I don't have TIME for this."

I'm so GLAD that I didn't give in to my push to get my work done.  I'm glad I let myself be silly with my kids.  I would have missed a sweet moment with my boys if I had told them to get lost which is what I wanted to do.  I probably also would have battled them to go to bed if I had been grumpy with them.

Lesson learned:  Take the time to have fun and laugh every day.  Live your life to put joy in the hearts of others and in return you will have much joy!!

The Red Badge of Courage

I knew it was bound to happen sooner or later.  Anyone who has ever raised boys knows that sometimes they don't know their own strength nor are they always aware of their surroundings.  Well, it finally happened tonight in my home.  One boy gave the other a bloody nose.  I actually feel very blessed that this is the first time this has happened.

Now before you jump to conclusions, it was a complete and total accident.  This was not done in anger or as an act of retaliation.  This was a complete mistake even though it probably could have been avoided.  Here is how it went down.  Joey was pretending he was a superhero beating up a bad guy.  Instead of punching a real bad guy, he was punching a pillow.  Danny was on the floor, oblivious to his surrounds playing cars.  He was playing right beside the pillow.  Yeah, you see it coming don't you. Danny rested his head on the pillow to play with the cars and Joey threw a punch at a bad guy which happened to be right where Danny's nose was currently resting.

Crunch!!!

Blood!!!  Danny did that type of silent scream where no sound comes out because it hurts so much he couldn't get a breath.  You moms and dads know it well.  It's the one where you will them to breathe and then you wait for the blood curdling scream on the other side.  He immediately ran over to me and put his bloody nose on my blue cashmere sweater.  Nice.

Joey's first reaction was to run away and then I bellowed at him to get some toilet paper to help stop the bleeding.  Joey ran in with paper towels which worked just as well.  I sat with Danny screaming on my lap, but I really, really wanted to run up and hug Joey.  I could tell that he felt as bad on the inside as Danny's nose did.  Joey then looked at me and said "No one cares about me" and ran off.  My rule as a mom is that when one child is in physical pain, the other who is in emotional pain needs to wait.

I calmed Danny down, held the tissue over his nose until it stopped and he complained that he couldn't breathe any longer.  When he had calmed down, I got him a popsicle and then headed upstairs to find Joey sitting on his bed sobbing.

I put my arms around him and hugged him and asked him how he was doing.  I asked him if he was scared and sad for his brother.  I told him that I knew he didn't mean to do it.  He looked at me and said, "I was more sad tonight when I punched Danny than I was when I went to the Principal's office this year."  He and I talked and I reassured him that I wasn't made at him and neither was Danny.  I did explain that he had to go tell his brother he was sorry even though it was an accident.  Admitting when he's wrong has always been tough on Joey.  I was so proud that he went downstairs and apologized and hugged him.  He told him how much he loved him.  Danny said, "That's okay,  I wuv you too bwover."

Now they are fine, they played happily, but a little more cautiously for the next hour and then went to bed in the same room together.  After Danny fell asleep tonight, Joey went over to him, put his hands on his nose gently and prayed for it to heal.  He then looked at me and asked if I was proud of him.  I told him that I was BLESSED.

I need to look to my kids as an example.  When someone hurts me either on purpose or inadvertently, I need to forgive and move on like they have.  All too often, I harbor resentment.  I need to move on quicker and I then need to pray for the person that I have wronged or the person that has wronged me.  Then I need get along with them and bless others through my words and actions.

Joey said to me tonight, "I love you more than cupcakes mom.  You're definitely sweeter than cupcakes."  Well, I think he's sweeter than that!!

Mommy, mommy, mommy...

I hear that word so much in a day that it just seems commonplace now.  I'm Mommy.  What is a Mommy?

I am the one who wakes up before my kids in the morning and gets their clothes out, makes their lunches, makes their breakfast (unless my babysitter helps me, I LOVE her).

I am the one who holds them when they cry, doles out discipline so they can learn to be responsible well behaved human beings and occasionally hears the words "You're the meanest Mom in the world!"

I am the one who tells them when I am proud of their accomplishments, helps them with their homework at the same time I am making dinner and tells them when it is bed time (and then again hears the words "You're the meanest Mom in the whole world.")

I am the one who gives them baths, tucks them into bed, reads stories and rubs their backs so they can go to sleep.

I am the one who gets up with them in the middle of the night when they have bad dreams or are sick.

I am the one who takes them to the doctor when they are ill and makes sure they get the medicine they need.

I am the one that gives cuddles and kisses just because they need to know they are loved every day.

I am the one that cries with them when I see someone has hurt their feelings.  I am the one that tries to explain that human's are not perfect and they make mistakes.


These are just a few of the many roles I fulfill during the day.  When we were waiting for our children to come home, the word "Mommy" was one I thought I'd never hear.  I hear it so much everyday that sometimes I am desensitized to it's true meaning. May I NEVER forget what a precious word "Mommy" is and may I always treat my children like the invaluable gifts from God that they truly are...

I love you Joey and Danny!!!

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!!!!

As a teacher, I LOVE snow days.  I don't have to go out, I get to hang out with my boys and I get a LOT of work done around the house.  I KNOW that I'll be sorry that I was so excited for these days come June, but I'm trying to live for the moment.  I'm fairly certain we will have a snow day tomorrow.  They have hyped this storm up soooo much that even if it blows out to sea (which is highly unlikely) they will still call school off just to insure safety.

So, what do we do on snow days.  We stay in our PJ's ALL day (until we have to go out to shovel and then I just throw on a pair of old jeans).  We play video games and watch TV.  Joey and I are making a surprise for his teacher for Valentine's day as well.  Danny and I will make chocolate chip cookies, I am making corn chowder just so I can smell it cooking in the crockpot all day and most importantly, we will hang out together just having fun.  I am so BLESSED to be a teacher so I am on the same schedule and can be home with my favorite guys in the whole world.  I really and truly love being their mom and love spending time with them.    Praise God that I am blessed and can do this with my boys!!!