Dealing with Addiction-- Extremely personal post

I don't know how to word this post, however, this is my blog and my thoughts and blogging is helping me to deal with my life, so I am going to talk about my feelings with dealing with a person in my life who struggles with addiction.  The problem is that in our culture, the type of addiction that I will be talking about is often seen as socially acceptable.  I'm going to be blunt here as I'm talking about sexual addiction.  If you are under 18, you need to go to your mom or your dad right now and get permission before continue to read.  This post is going to be very, very personal, but I need to publicly talk about this.  The internet is often not the place to deal with personal issues, but I've prayed about this and feel that it is time to talk about this.  If you don't want to read about my personal life, I will NOT be offended.  However, if there is someone out there in cyberland who feels all alone dealing with an addict, maybe my words can provide you some comfort.  You are NOT alone.  Addictions are often swept under the rug and in this case, I am not going to do that.




Okay, back to my thoughts...  My soon to be ex husband (yes, soon to be ex cause we STILL are not legally divorced) is a sexual addict although he may not admit it.  I could get to into the ins and outs (no pun intended) of why I believe he is an addict, but I will not do this publicly.  I still am legally married to him and as his wife, I will not start another relationship even though he has done this and I will not tell the details of his addiction.  If you have a question about this, you can ask me or him privately.  Needless to say, I have much proof that he is a sexual addict.

When we were married I knew he used pornography as many men, even Christians do.  Sadly, he was in bondage to pornography.  I never hounded him about this (although I have since realized he felt hounded), but did find it on his computer from time to time and would question him about this.  I encouraged him to go to a Christian support group about this issue.  He never really dealt with the issue. Sexual addiction was ultimately the reason our marriage ended.  It's one thing to help a spouse to overcome an addiction, but when your spouse is unfaithful to you multiple times, blames you for their addiction and then doesn't recognize they have a problem, there's not much you can do other than pray.  Prayer is something I have done for my husband every day that I have known him and continue to do.

He told me last night that I was a horrible wife.  I have taken this to heart.  I WAS a horrible wife in many ways, but no matter how horrible I was, I did not deserve to be cheated on.  He was not the best husband, but I never cheated on him and I have still been faithful to him.  I did file for divorce, but at the time, he was living with another woman and told me he was going to marry her.  I had no choice.

He is ill.  He has not seen his kids in almost a month.  Fulfilling his need for his addiction is more important than anything else in his life.  I have asked him to go to a treatment center, but he feels he is cured.  I really do not understand how he could ignore his children the way he does.  Our oldest son has prayed many times for his dad, but feels that his dad doesn't love him anymore. I HATE this.  I HATE what this addiction has done to our family.  Our youngest son often has separation anxiety and believes that I am not going to come back to get him when I leave.  He's always been a challenging child, but this has increased since his dad has left.  (or in his dad's words, since I kicked him out.)

I've done many hours of praying and studying about addiction.  One thing that all addicts have in common is that they need and external source to provide their happiness.  They do not find their happiness in themselves, their God or their families, but instead, they find a pseudo-happiness in their addiction.  They get a high and are momentarily fulfilled, but that fulfillment doesn't last.  Eventually, they crash from the high, they get depressed and they hit the bottom and unless they deal with their addiction, they end up fulfilling it again and again until they crash again and the cycle starts over.

Through counseling I've realized that since the person who's addicted seeks the object of their addiction for their fulfillment, they also don't face that they are addicted and they never admit that they may be wrong in some way.  I have found this to be the truth in the case of my marriage.  My soon to be ex husband says that I was a horrible wife and completely blames me for everything:  his cheating, the breakup of our marriage, for me asking him to leave, for his not getting treatment, for his lack of relationship with our children,etc.  You name it, it's MY fault.  I've learned to try not to take this personally.  His choices are HIS choices.  He cannot and will never put anything but himself and his addiction as the priority in his life until he is healed.

How can he be healed?  My belief is that answer ultimately falls to Jesus.  When you're an addict, it is so hard to believe Jesus can deliver you from your addiction because the object of your addiction provides you with physical comfort, however, your real need is with your spirit.  You need God to fill that whole in your heart.  God wants nothing more than for you to turn to Him for the spiritual healing. When you do this, you can truly overcome this addiction.

To my husband:   please know that I forgive you, I am praying for you and I want you to get your life together.  Your kids miss you and want you to be the father they deserve.  Please get help, get the counseling you need and get right with God.  Live your life for a bigger purpose  Instead of living your life to fill that physical addiction/craving, start living your life for others and see what happens.  Love your children.  Call them EVERY day just to see how they are and how their day went.  Spend regular time with them without falling asleep on them.  Play "Go Fish" and trucks on the floor with them.  They adore you and just want to see you and spend time with you.  Please, please, please get better.  I pray for you every day.

If you have someone in your life that struggles with addiction, please feel free to email me privately at teachflute@yahoo.com.  I would love to pray for you.

For those of you that know my husband, please don't think ill of him.  He is sick and needs help.  You would not think badly of a cancer patient, so please don't be angry with him.  He needs help and most importantly, he needs your prayers to overcome this addiction.  Please pray for him, for me and for our kids.

For more information about overcoming sexual addiction, please go to Pure Life Ministries.