Dealing with Addiction-- Extremely personal post

I don't know how to word this post, however, this is my blog and my thoughts and blogging is helping me to deal with my life, so I am going to talk about my feelings with dealing with a person in my life who struggles with addiction.  The problem is that in our culture, the type of addiction that I will be talking about is often seen as socially acceptable.  I'm going to be blunt here as I'm talking about sexual addiction.  If you are under 18, you need to go to your mom or your dad right now and get permission before continue to read.  This post is going to be very, very personal, but I need to publicly talk about this.  The internet is often not the place to deal with personal issues, but I've prayed about this and feel that it is time to talk about this.  If you don't want to read about my personal life, I will NOT be offended.  However, if there is someone out there in cyberland who feels all alone dealing with an addict, maybe my words can provide you some comfort.  You are NOT alone.  Addictions are often swept under the rug and in this case, I am not going to do that.




Okay, back to my thoughts...  My soon to be ex husband (yes, soon to be ex cause we STILL are not legally divorced) is a sexual addict although he may not admit it.  I could get to into the ins and outs (no pun intended) of why I believe he is an addict, but I will not do this publicly.  I still am legally married to him and as his wife, I will not start another relationship even though he has done this and I will not tell the details of his addiction.  If you have a question about this, you can ask me or him privately.  Needless to say, I have much proof that he is a sexual addict.

When we were married I knew he used pornography as many men, even Christians do.  Sadly, he was in bondage to pornography.  I never hounded him about this (although I have since realized he felt hounded), but did find it on his computer from time to time and would question him about this.  I encouraged him to go to a Christian support group about this issue.  He never really dealt with the issue. Sexual addiction was ultimately the reason our marriage ended.  It's one thing to help a spouse to overcome an addiction, but when your spouse is unfaithful to you multiple times, blames you for their addiction and then doesn't recognize they have a problem, there's not much you can do other than pray.  Prayer is something I have done for my husband every day that I have known him and continue to do.

He told me last night that I was a horrible wife.  I have taken this to heart.  I WAS a horrible wife in many ways, but no matter how horrible I was, I did not deserve to be cheated on.  He was not the best husband, but I never cheated on him and I have still been faithful to him.  I did file for divorce, but at the time, he was living with another woman and told me he was going to marry her.  I had no choice.

He is ill.  He has not seen his kids in almost a month.  Fulfilling his need for his addiction is more important than anything else in his life.  I have asked him to go to a treatment center, but he feels he is cured.  I really do not understand how he could ignore his children the way he does.  Our oldest son has prayed many times for his dad, but feels that his dad doesn't love him anymore. I HATE this.  I HATE what this addiction has done to our family.  Our youngest son often has separation anxiety and believes that I am not going to come back to get him when I leave.  He's always been a challenging child, but this has increased since his dad has left.  (or in his dad's words, since I kicked him out.)

I've done many hours of praying and studying about addiction.  One thing that all addicts have in common is that they need and external source to provide their happiness.  They do not find their happiness in themselves, their God or their families, but instead, they find a pseudo-happiness in their addiction.  They get a high and are momentarily fulfilled, but that fulfillment doesn't last.  Eventually, they crash from the high, they get depressed and they hit the bottom and unless they deal with their addiction, they end up fulfilling it again and again until they crash again and the cycle starts over.

Through counseling I've realized that since the person who's addicted seeks the object of their addiction for their fulfillment, they also don't face that they are addicted and they never admit that they may be wrong in some way.  I have found this to be the truth in the case of my marriage.  My soon to be ex husband says that I was a horrible wife and completely blames me for everything:  his cheating, the breakup of our marriage, for me asking him to leave, for his not getting treatment, for his lack of relationship with our children,etc.  You name it, it's MY fault.  I've learned to try not to take this personally.  His choices are HIS choices.  He cannot and will never put anything but himself and his addiction as the priority in his life until he is healed.

How can he be healed?  My belief is that answer ultimately falls to Jesus.  When you're an addict, it is so hard to believe Jesus can deliver you from your addiction because the object of your addiction provides you with physical comfort, however, your real need is with your spirit.  You need God to fill that whole in your heart.  God wants nothing more than for you to turn to Him for the spiritual healing. When you do this, you can truly overcome this addiction.

To my husband:   please know that I forgive you, I am praying for you and I want you to get your life together.  Your kids miss you and want you to be the father they deserve.  Please get help, get the counseling you need and get right with God.  Live your life for a bigger purpose  Instead of living your life to fill that physical addiction/craving, start living your life for others and see what happens.  Love your children.  Call them EVERY day just to see how they are and how their day went.  Spend regular time with them without falling asleep on them.  Play "Go Fish" and trucks on the floor with them.  They adore you and just want to see you and spend time with you.  Please, please, please get better.  I pray for you every day.

If you have someone in your life that struggles with addiction, please feel free to email me privately at teachflute@yahoo.com.  I would love to pray for you.

For those of you that know my husband, please don't think ill of him.  He is sick and needs help.  You would not think badly of a cancer patient, so please don't be angry with him.  He needs help and most importantly, he needs your prayers to overcome this addiction.  Please pray for him, for me and for our kids.

For more information about overcoming sexual addiction, please go to Pure Life Ministries.

Baby it's cold outside

Brrr!!!  My thermometer said that it was -10*F at my house this morning.  Our old dog, Buddy, who is almost 16 years old literally took 4 steps onto the back porch, squatted, peed (yes, on my porch) and came back in.  He ALWAYS does more business than that in the a.m., but not today.  He gave me a look like "I think I'll hold it."  I told him that if he went in the house, I wouldn't be happy, but I would totally forgive him.

I love living in Maine, but I could do without so much snow and the negative temperatures.  This is January in Maine, however!  Joey told me this morning that he wishes we could move to florida until the snow is gone.  I sort of agree with him.  Except for the January temperatures, I LOVE where I live.  I love living in a community that is big enough to have some culture, but small enough that people truly care for one another.  I love that my neighbors watch out for me.  There were prints in the snow outside my house from where the phone guy had to check my line and my neighbor let me know that someone had been to my house. (She thought it could have been a peeping tom).  I love the my kids go to school right down the street from where we live.  I love that my son has a friend that lives 4 houses down and the boys go back and forth between the houses.

And I love the amazing summers we have!  Mainers truly appreciate when the weather gets nice.

I think that in order to enjoy the sun, you must have a little clouds, rain, snow and bitter cold in your life.  In order to appreciate how truly good life can be, it needs to be a tough sometimes.  You need to feel tears sting your eyes as you walk outside.  You need to feel your nostrils stick together because your breathing in that bitter air.  When you have these things happen, you learn to value the beautiful days.

In my life, I'm starting to have those beautiful days.  It felt like like I was in the bitter cold for a long time, but I am at the point where, I occasionally have those bitter days, but most days are warm and comfortable for me.  I can't say over the past year that I liked my life.  As a matter of fact, I woke up most mornings and asked the question, "Why me?"  I'm still trying to figure that out, but in the mean time, I know that everything happens for a reason.  I've figured out one reason is that when things aren't as difficult, I can look at my life and truly appreciate the beauty and the goodness of what God has given me.

Last night, I rubbed Danny's back as he fell asleep.  That was beautiful.  This morning, Joey gave me the biggest hug out of the blue and told me he loved me.  That was beautiful.  In order to see true beauty, you must be able to compare it to things that are not as beautiful.  I have seen tough times.  When I compare those times in my life to where I am now, I am amazed and grateful at how truly beautiful my life is.  Praise  God!!



 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
 A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
 A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
 A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
 A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
 A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
 A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
 A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.
~Ecclesiates 3:1-8

A good parent

A good parent...

    puts their kids needs in front of their own.
    loves their kids unconditionally.
    loves the Lord and teaches them about His love for them.
    sets appropriate boundaries.
    is in charge even when it's not popular.
    is firm, but loving.
    is there for their kids no matter what happens.
    recognizes when their kids need help and provides that help.
    recognizes when their kids need to try to do something on their own.
    seeks help for their kids when they need it.
    is patient.
    shows affection.
    engages with their kids.
    tells their kids they love them EVERYDAY whether by words or actions.
    spends quality time with their kids.
    identifies their kids needs and provides for their needs.
    loves, loves, loves them and demonstrates that love daily.


I am not perfect, but I try to do all I can for my kids.  I feel sad that my kids do not have 2 parents that are able to do this for them.  That is what the deserve!  I'm doing the best that I can as a single parent, but some days it is REALLY hard.   Please pray for my children.  They are wonderful and deserve so much more.

Honey attracts flies better than vinegar

Last night, the boys fought and argued quite a bit.  I have to admit that I tried and tried to help them get along, but sometimes, you just have to let them work things out for themselves.

Joey has been grabbing things away from Danny a lot lately without asking first.  Actually, he's been doing this his whole life, but lately it's gotten worse.  Today, Danny had a toy that belonged to Joey.  Joey just grabbed it from Danny and then Danny pushed Joey to get the toy back.  That's when I got involved.  I took the toy, gave it back to Danny and told Joey to ask nicely for the toy.  When he asked if he could have the toy, Danny said "ya, sure" and handed the toy right over.  We've gone through this many, many times before, but it was like a lightbulb came on in Joey's head.  He then asked Danny if he could have a hug.  "Ya sure" was his reply.  He asked if Danny wanted to play with him, "Ya sure" he heard again.  I finally said to Joey, "When you're nice to someone, they'll be nice to you."

So at bedtime, Joey put this into practice.  He came downstairs about 10 minutes after I put him to bed and said, "Mama, you're the best mama in the world.  Can you come upstairs and fix my sheets?"  Apparently the cat was playing under his covers and messed up his bed.  How could I say no?  Once we got upstairs he said, "Mama, I'm hungry, can I have a cheesestick?"  My first answer was "No, it's bed time".  I expected him to get mad and grumpy with me and say something like "You don't love me."  Which has been a favorite saying lately.  But, instead, he said "That's okay, Mama, it's a long way downstairs and you're tired.  I can wait until morning."  How could I say no to that?  So, I went down stairs and got his cheesestick and came back upstairs.  "Mama, you're the best mom in the world.  Will you rub my back?  Please?"  I told him that I had work to do and he said, "I understand. Have a good night."  Sheesh!  How much more could a mom take?  So I rubbed his back, but I said, "Joey, did you see that you got everything you asked for because you had a wonderful attitude and you showed me how much you love me by being so kind to my feelings."  He then looked at me, smiled and said, "But it is true.  You are the best mom in the whole wide world."  I just about cried.  And then I asked, "Okay, where did the UFO go that stole my son and replaced him with the updated new and improved model?"  Joey just smiled.  I then pointed out that he had gotten his way every single time since he didn't argue and had nice words for me.  He again just smiled.

Now, he won't get away with this every time he's nice, but I wanted to reinforce how much better life is when you ARE nice.  I went to bed tonight with the feeling of "Yeah, he is gonna grow up and be an nice man."  That's always a good feeling when you're a mom!

Back to work

One of the struggles I've always had with parenting and working is dividing my time between work and my family.  I LOVE my job.  Getting to create and study music with 100+ 11, 12 and 13 year olds a day is a BLAST.  I love their energy, enthusiasm and humor!  I really could not think of a better career.

However, leaving my kids all day after having the luxury of being home with them is really, really tough.  I almost feel like a part of me is missing when the boys are not around me.  Around noon today, I found myself getting ready and I started daydreaming that I should be home getting lunch ready for the boys, then I realized that I had already done that for Joey in the morning and Danny's babysitter makes his lunch.

Working is tough.  Being away from my kids all day is tough.  I must work to make a living, so therefore I am a teacher dreaming about the next vacation and the next, not because I don't like my job, but because I adore spending time with my kids.

112 school days left until summer.  I love my job!!

Tubing

I took the boys tubing on Hermon Mountain today and we had so much fun!!  We went with my cousin Lisa and her two kids, Jillian and Gunnar and my cousin Kelsie and her Dad, Paul (also my cousin).  It was a BLAST.  I didn't know how Danny would do, but he went down the mountain about 5 times before he'd had enough.  He was behind me the first time down, but Lisa said he had a HUGE smile on his face.  I was behind him the second time down and his face just lit up as we plummeted down the mountain.

Joey connected with Gunnar and they found they had a lot in common.  I took Danny inside the lodge toward the end as he was getting cold and tired and Joey kept going down the mountain.  The very last run he went down all by himself.  What a brave boy!

I learned a few lessons from tubing today.  The first one is that even though it is something you WANT to do, it may seem scary.  Plummeting down a mountain at fast speeds can be a little intimidating, but the adrenaline rush was so worth conquering the fear.  The second lesson that I learned is that while plummeting down the mountain, hold tight to your family.  When you go tubing, they put all of your tubes together, you sit on each other's ropes and then you hold on to each other's handles.  The best ride we had all day was when all 8 of us held on and went together.  That's how we should live our life.

What a wonderful way to spend New Year's Day!!  I am truly blessed.