Deep, Dark Places

Life is tough.   Really, really tough.  Sometimes the burdens of this life are too much too bear.  Today was one of those days.  I got told off by my husband's girlfriend/ ex-girlfriend/ advocate, whoever she is.  No one should have to go through that.  It's one thing for your husband to be unfaithful to you, take you to trial over your divorce, but to then have to be told off by his girlfriend and some of that being in front of your kids, well, that's enough to put anyone over the edge and it put me into a really dark place.   I've been fairly private about the circumstances regarding my divorce and there is sooo much more that I won't share, but considering they recently announced their relationship on Facebook, I don't feel too bad telling the world that my husband has/had a girlfriend (I think they've broken up again).   I'll spare you the rest of the gory details, however.

After getting told off by her, I went home and got the kids dinner.  I was backing out of the driveway  on my way to church, was slightly distracted and backed into my front porch.  Ouch!!  Put a nice dent in the van and moved my front porch/steps about 2 feet away from the house.  Lovely...  On top of the wonderful encounter with Judy (yes, her name is the same as mine, weird, huh?)  I went into a deep, dark place.  I cried and cried.  I couldn't hold it together.  I have been through a lot and usually don't get this upset, but it had been one heck of a day.  I went to church, put the kids in Sunday School and went over to the adult service.  I, again, couldn't hold it together.  If you saw me rush to the bathroom, it was to lock myself in a stall to cry.  I pulled it together and came out after a while and thank goodness a wonderful Christian sister noticed my emotional state and came to my rescue.  She took me out so we could talk and I could cry.  I didn't even tell her about the van or the porch.

Here is the amazing thing.  After talking and praying, I felt better, like 300% better.  God certainly comforts us when we need it.  We talked out the entire situation and I no longer feel as alone.  By the end of the church service, I felt so much better and then tonight, my boys blessed my socks off.  Joey took the Bible and read it to me.  He prayed for me because he knew I was sad and he kissed me gently on the forehead at bed time because he knew I needed it.  Danny did a dance and made me smile.  He rubbed my back when I laid down to cuddle with him and told me that he wanted to marry me.  I have the best boys in the world.

Just so you know, while I was totally blessed tonight, these are behaviors I've seen from my boys before.  I think what made tonight so special is that I was in a deep dark place with very little light.  However, when I did get a little light in through being at church and through my sweet sons, it illuminated my world.  When you're living in bright light all the time, you don't really notice when extra light is added, however, when you're in a dark place and a tiny ray of light is added, it can literally light up your world. Praise God for His light in my world through Jesus, the church and my boys.  I went from being in a deep, dark place to feeling like I am the most blessed woman on earth.  Praise God!

Count my Blessings

I haven't blogged in a while because my life has been crazy busy.  I am parenting two very busy boys, taking two grad classes and over the past few weeks, I've done a ton of photoshoots.  At the same time, I'm waiting for a court date for my divorce trial.  Yes, you heard me right, I have to go to a court trial to resolve my divorce.  Nothing in my life is ever easy.


So... lately, I've been feeling pretty down.  I miss my parents, I'm sad about the end of my marriage, I'm stressed at the busyness of my life...  I've been a Debbie Downer...


However, I was reading in the Bible the other day, I really started to study Psalm 103.  It speaks of the many, many ways that God blesses us. 


¹ Bless the LORD, O my soul;
         And all that is within me, bless His holy name!
 ² Bless the LORD, O my soul,
         And forget not all His benefits:
 ³ Who forgives all your iniquities,
         Who heals all your diseases,
 ⁴ Who redeems your life from destruction,
         Who crowns you with lovingkindness and tender mercies,
 ⁵ Who satisfies your mouth with good things,
         So that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.
 ⁶ The LORD executes righteousness
         And justice for all who are oppressed.
 ⁷ He made known His ways to Moses,
         His acts to the children of Israel.
 ⁸ The LORD is merciful and gracious,
         Slow to anger, and abounding in mercy.
 ⁹ He will not always strive with us,
         Nor will He keep His anger forever.
 ¹⁰ He has not dealt with us according to our sins,
         Nor punished us according to our iniquities.  
 ¹¹ For as the heavens are high above the earth,
         So great is His mercy toward those who fear Him;
 ¹² As far as the east is from the west,
         So far has He removed our transgressions from us.
 ¹³ As a father pities his children,
         So the LORD pities those who fear Him.
 ¹⁴ For He knows our frame;
         He remembers that we are dust.
 ¹⁵ As for man, his days are like grass;
         As a flower of the field, so he flourishes.
 ¹⁶ For the wind passes over it, and it is gone,
         And its place remembers it no more.^[a]
 17 But the mercy of the LORD is from everlasting to everlasting
         On those who fear Him,
         And His righteousness to children’s children,
 ¹⁸ To such as keep His covenant,
         And to those who remember His commandments to do them.
 ¹⁹ The LORD has established His throne in heaven,
         And His kingdom rules over all.
 ²⁰ Bless the LORD, you His angels,
         Who excel in strength, who do His word,
         Heeding the voice of His word.
 ²¹ Bless the LORD, all you His hosts,
         You ministers of His, who do His pleasure.
 ²² Bless the LORD, all His works,
         In all places of His dominion.
         Bless the LORD, O my soul!


What speaks to me the most is that the psalmist (King David) commands the listener to Bless the Lord.  He doesn't demand the Lord to bless him.  It's so easy for me to slip into the feeling of "Why must I endure all of this Lord?".  When this happens, my attitude needs an major adjustment.  I should be facing these adversities with the point of view that life is hard, we all face adversities, but how can I make the best of the blessings I've been given.  How can I best bless God by serving others.


I tried to do this today and I am amazed at what a difference it made in my perspective of dealing with even the smallest issues like the attitudes of others.  


So...  I've decided that I will make a list of blessings just so I can see how WONDERFUL my life really is.


1.  My amazing sons.  We waited so long for them and I am so blessed to have full arms.  I am blessed to be able to hug them, love them, guide them, pray for them, laugh with them (and at them), play with them, take care of them.  God has blessed me with two AMAZING young men.  Praise God.


2.  My family.  God has blessed me with so many wonderful family members.  My bonus mom, Barbara, who is also a sister in Christ, my Aunt Maggie, my cousins especially Kelsey, Kayla, Amy, Jeannie and many more who have babysat and just been available to listen to me, my Aunt Dot and her children and so many more family members.  Praise God!


3.  My church family.  God has used my church fellowship in sooooo many ways to minister to me over the past year.  I can't even begin to list everyone, but there have been so many of you that have come along side me with prayer and support.  You've listened to me cry, complain and have helped me process this whole mess.  Physically, you've helped my by cleaning my house, helping me move, babysitting, carting my kids around for me, hooking up my cable, etc.  I just can't even tell you all they've done.  Praise God!


4.  My amazing friends.  God has blessed me with friends that in many ways feel more like family to me.  Again, you've helped me with sooo many things this past year, I can't even start to thank you all for what you've done.


5.  My job.  I am blessed to be able to go to work everyday and do something I LOVE!!!  I love working with pre and early teens.  This age group is so dynamic.  Thank you for letting me a part of your lives for a few brief years.  I also work with the most amazing group of people on this planet.  Praise God!



6.  For my God and Savior.  I am so blessed to have a God that loves me no matter what.  He knows all that I've done and loves me with an unconditional love.  He holds my hand, dries my tears, provides for my every need listens to my every prayer.  He knows my heart and yet, He still loves me. Praise God for his mercy and grace!!

So tonight, I sit here with tears in my eyes at how wonderful my life is.  I have had my fair share of trials this past year, but I am indeed truly blessed!!