My Resolutions for 2011

The boys went on a playdate today and I had from 11 a.m. until 5:30 p.m. all to myself.  What a blessing.  I did a lot of thinking during that time and surprisingly, I missed my kids like crazy!!!  I was so happy to see them come through the door.  I haven't had much time to myself in the past 10 months and today, the day before New Year's Eve got me thinking.

I did what a lot of people do...

I thought about my new year's resolutions.  However, mine turned out to be a little different than most.

I know that I can only accomplish a few goals, so here they are.

1.  Be content in the present.  While it is hard not to look ahead to the future, I resolve to make the most of every second of every day.  I will not look to the hurts of the past, nor will I count on future blessings.  We don't know what tomorrow will bring, so I will do my best to try to be content with my here and now.  Doing what God has called me to do here, but yet still praying every morning when I wake up that I will be attuned to His divine plan for my life.

2.  Be aware of the needs of others.  One thing I have learned this year through my situation is that others are going through situations of which we are not aware.  If I did not tell you of my trials, I can guarantee that you did not know that my husband was unfaithful to me, my father died 10 days after my husband and I separated, I was hospitalized 15 days after that for a weird stomach virus, I had to put my 15 year old cat to sleep, I took 2 grad classes at the same time while single parenting, working full time and running my own business, my grandmother passed away and both of my kids are undergoing for testing for special needs.   I KNOW I'm not alone in my trials.  While I have certainly had my fair share this year, I will not compare my pain to that of others.  I will try to be compassionate and understand that EVERYONE goes through pain and trials.  God wants us to LOVE one another and that means that we help one another through any trial whether we perceive it to be big or small.

3.  Leave God's plan for my life up to God.    I know that this one seems obvious, but I have in my mind the way I think my life should go.  It definitely isn't the way that it's currently going, so I resolve to accept that God DOES have a plan for me and it is for HIS good purpose because I love him and He loves me.  God will work out my trials the way He wants them to be worked out and since I know He loves me, He will bless me the way He wants to bless me.


So, my blog friends.  I'm praying that you are blessed in 2011.  May God work all things for good in your life.

(((((Hugs))))
~Judi

Brother Love

After the blizzard we had yesterday, things have finally settled down a little here at home.  I got the Christmas decorations all put away and Danny and I got outside today to do a little shoveling and playing.  Joey had no interest in going outside.  He gets too cold too easily and HATES being outside.  Ocassionally I can talk him into sledding, but he's an indoor kind of guy in the summer or winter.

I realized today that Joey is really turning into a young man, not just a boy.  He made some very mature decisions and choices today with how he treats me and how he treats his brother.  This evening, he poked his brother in the eye.  They both agree that it was an accident.  Joey was reaching over to give Danny a pat on the head.  I've seen him do this affectionately many, many times.  Just as he did this, Danny turned his head and got poked in the eye.  Danny came running to me and as I was comforting him, without my asking, Joey went out to the kitchen and grabbed and ice pack out of the freezer, wrapped it in a cloth and brought it to his brother.  He tenderly put it on his sore eye and gave him a kiss on the forehead.  As much as my boys argued today, it was good to see this tenderness and care between the two of them.  I asked what happened and Joey told me the story as Danny was crying too hard.  Joey said, "I'm sorry Danny.  It was an accident"  Danny then sobbed back, "That's okay bwover. I fowgive you."  Joey then rubbed Danny's back and within minutes they were back playing.

Tonight at bedtime, they both decided to sleep together under a "fort" they made out of blankets and a mattress in their room with friends of ours.  I went up a little while ago and they both thought the fort was not comfortable enough, so they ended up in their own beds.  I can't help but adore how much my boys love each other.  Even though they fight (and boy to we have some doozies), when it really counts, they care deeply about one another.

I've had people inquiring about our adoption story ask if my boys are "real" brothers.  I don't mean to be coy when I say this, but of course they are.  What makes someone your brother?  Is it simply that they are born of the same mother or is it more than that?  Is it that they live in the same family, have the same parents and they will share their lives together?  My boys, are truly, truly real brothers just as they are my real sons.  We may not share biology, but we share something deeper; a bond that we are a family and we will always be through thick and thin.  We will love each other, comfort each other and think of the others in our family before we think of our own selfish needs and when one hurts, we all hurt.   When one rejoices, we all rejoice.  We are a family and I am so grateful that God brought my "real" sons into my life.

ALONE

There are BLIZZARD warnings in effect tonight for the state in which I live.  BLIZZARD!!!  It's a little exciting, but a tad bit scary at the same time, being a single parent.  What if the power goes out or there's an emergency with one of the kids??  And... who's going to plow/shovel my driveway.  I can handle it with 6 inches of snow, but over a foot of snow is a little intimidating even though I am so buff.


As a married person, I didn't think much about things like this, but as a single mom, I'm a tad worried.  I don't know why.  I've lived in Maine my entire life and have always survived blizzards, but tonight a word keeps coming back to my mind.


ALONE... There, I've said it.  It's a word that I've feared for a long time.


ALONE...  I'll admit, it's my biggest fear.  Being all by myself and having to make decisions and choices by myself.  Especially choices that can effect my kids.  I'm the type of person that likes to reason with other people, talk things out, get opinions.  I process my thoughts out loud.


ALONE...  Being an only child, I have always been fearful of this status.  When I was growing up, I realized that if anything were to happen to both of my parents, I had no siblings on whom I could rely.  When I got married, I felt relief as I would have a life partner on which I could rely.  But, now that I'm no longer married, I am by myself.


In the past year, I've lost so much and I feel very much alone even though I have wonderful family and friends.  It's still not the same as having a spouse or having a parent.  The people that know you best and that will drop anything to help you.  I have wonderful family and friends that would drop anything to be there for me, but there's something in me that makes me feel like it's a burden to have to ask for help.  This is definitely not how they feel, for some reason, it's how I feel.  I must learn to drop my foolish pride and ask when I need help.


ALONE...  Am I really alone??  No... I'm not.  God is with me, holding me, drying my tears, comforting me, sending me His people to be the physical, tangible evidence of His presence and giving me comfort through His Word, the Bible.


I AM NOT ALONE.

It says in Deuteronomy 31:6  "Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid or tremble at them, for the LORD your God is the one who goes with you He will not fail you or forsake you."


The holidays have been extremely difficult for me.  I do not want to be alone, but isn't that what Christmas is all about.


Christ came to the earth as a baby.  The God of the Universe put Himself into a human body to show us that we are not alone.  He came to be with us and the Bible says that He's coming back again.


I AM NOT ALONE.


God is with me.  He loves me and He loves you too.  If you are struggling during this holiday season, please contact me by email or phone.  I'll pray for you.  


YOU ARE NOT ALONE.  God is with you and He wants you to know that.

Anticipation

Oh Twas the night before the night before Christmas and the children were going NUTS!!!

My kids are so excited for Christmas that they can hardly stand it.  Emotions are running high.  They are getting excited over details that seem small to me and having meltdowns over the most minuscule things.  They are anticipating the most exciting day of the year other than maybe their birthday on Saturday.  There are secrets to be kept and secrets to be found out.

Their excitement, while it can be exhausting, also has me so excited and so in the Christmas Spirit this year.  Even though my life has gone through sooooo many changes over the past 365 days, I know that God's hand has been in charge and steering my life.  I read a commentary the other day.  Although I can't tell you the exact source, but it spoke of how God often destroys in order to rebuild.  That is exactly what's going on in my world.  It was destroyed, but slowly is being rebuilt.  Whenever the Lord does this, He blesses the process and ultimately will give me more than I can even imagine.  Look at Job's life.  He took EVERYTHING from him, but ultimately restored his life to something better than it had been before.  While I'm sure Job still missed the loved ones that he lost, God still was able to fulfill him and bless him beyond his wildest dreams.

So as I look at my children's excitement as we prepare to celebrate the birth of Jesus, I also am trying to have that same type of anticipation and excitement in my life.  I know I'm emotional.  Lately, things that should not have been a "big deal" have taken an emotional toll on me, but at the same time, I am finding an renewed energy and excitement in the little things the Lord blesses me with.  Watching my kids, praying over them as they sleep and yes preparing and praying for the fact that someday, God willing, he will provide a godly man with which I can share my life.  God is good ALL the time.  Even during our hardships we must praise Him and we must not forget to praise Him during the good times as well.

As we approach Christmas, take note of the excitement and anticipation of the season and try to make a point to remember it year round.  Live your life with the same anticipation as to what the Lord will do with your life in the good times and bad.

Merry Christmas!!!

Deep, Dark Places

Life is tough.   Really, really tough.  Sometimes the burdens of this life are too much too bear.  Today was one of those days.  I got told off by my husband's girlfriend/ ex-girlfriend/ advocate, whoever she is.  No one should have to go through that.  It's one thing for your husband to be unfaithful to you, take you to trial over your divorce, but to then have to be told off by his girlfriend and some of that being in front of your kids, well, that's enough to put anyone over the edge and it put me into a really dark place.   I've been fairly private about the circumstances regarding my divorce and there is sooo much more that I won't share, but considering they recently announced their relationship on Facebook, I don't feel too bad telling the world that my husband has/had a girlfriend (I think they've broken up again).   I'll spare you the rest of the gory details, however.

After getting told off by her, I went home and got the kids dinner.  I was backing out of the driveway  on my way to church, was slightly distracted and backed into my front porch.  Ouch!!  Put a nice dent in the van and moved my front porch/steps about 2 feet away from the house.  Lovely...  On top of the wonderful encounter with Judy (yes, her name is the same as mine, weird, huh?)  I went into a deep, dark place.  I cried and cried.  I couldn't hold it together.  I have been through a lot and usually don't get this upset, but it had been one heck of a day.  I went to church, put the kids in Sunday School and went over to the adult service.  I, again, couldn't hold it together.  If you saw me rush to the bathroom, it was to lock myself in a stall to cry.  I pulled it together and came out after a while and thank goodness a wonderful Christian sister noticed my emotional state and came to my rescue.  She took me out so we could talk and I could cry.  I didn't even tell her about the van or the porch.

Here is the amazing thing.  After talking and praying, I felt better, like 300% better.  God certainly comforts us when we need it.  We talked out the entire situation and I no longer feel as alone.  By the end of the church service, I felt so much better and then tonight, my boys blessed my socks off.  Joey took the Bible and read it to me.  He prayed for me because he knew I was sad and he kissed me gently on the forehead at bed time because he knew I needed it.  Danny did a dance and made me smile.  He rubbed my back when I laid down to cuddle with him and told me that he wanted to marry me.  I have the best boys in the world.

Just so you know, while I was totally blessed tonight, these are behaviors I've seen from my boys before.  I think what made tonight so special is that I was in a deep dark place with very little light.  However, when I did get a little light in through being at church and through my sweet sons, it illuminated my world.  When you're living in bright light all the time, you don't really notice when extra light is added, however, when you're in a dark place and a tiny ray of light is added, it can literally light up your world. Praise God for His light in my world through Jesus, the church and my boys.  I went from being in a deep, dark place to feeling like I am the most blessed woman on earth.  Praise God!

Count my Blessings

I haven't blogged in a while because my life has been crazy busy.  I am parenting two very busy boys, taking two grad classes and over the past few weeks, I've done a ton of photoshoots.  At the same time, I'm waiting for a court date for my divorce trial.  Yes, you heard me right, I have to go to a court trial to resolve my divorce.  Nothing in my life is ever easy.


So... lately, I've been feeling pretty down.  I miss my parents, I'm sad about the end of my marriage, I'm stressed at the busyness of my life...  I've been a Debbie Downer...


However, I was reading in the Bible the other day, I really started to study Psalm 103.  It speaks of the many, many ways that God blesses us. 


¹ Bless the LORD, O my soul;
         And all that is within me, bless His holy name!
 ² Bless the LORD, O my soul,
         And forget not all His benefits:
 ³ Who forgives all your iniquities,
         Who heals all your diseases,
 ⁴ Who redeems your life from destruction,
         Who crowns you with lovingkindness and tender mercies,
 ⁵ Who satisfies your mouth with good things,
         So that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.
 ⁶ The LORD executes righteousness
         And justice for all who are oppressed.
 ⁷ He made known His ways to Moses,
         His acts to the children of Israel.
 ⁸ The LORD is merciful and gracious,
         Slow to anger, and abounding in mercy.
 ⁹ He will not always strive with us,
         Nor will He keep His anger forever.
 ¹⁰ He has not dealt with us according to our sins,
         Nor punished us according to our iniquities.  
 ¹¹ For as the heavens are high above the earth,
         So great is His mercy toward those who fear Him;
 ¹² As far as the east is from the west,
         So far has He removed our transgressions from us.
 ¹³ As a father pities his children,
         So the LORD pities those who fear Him.
 ¹⁴ For He knows our frame;
         He remembers that we are dust.
 ¹⁵ As for man, his days are like grass;
         As a flower of the field, so he flourishes.
 ¹⁶ For the wind passes over it, and it is gone,
         And its place remembers it no more.^[a]
 17 But the mercy of the LORD is from everlasting to everlasting
         On those who fear Him,
         And His righteousness to children’s children,
 ¹⁸ To such as keep His covenant,
         And to those who remember His commandments to do them.
 ¹⁹ The LORD has established His throne in heaven,
         And His kingdom rules over all.
 ²⁰ Bless the LORD, you His angels,
         Who excel in strength, who do His word,
         Heeding the voice of His word.
 ²¹ Bless the LORD, all you His hosts,
         You ministers of His, who do His pleasure.
 ²² Bless the LORD, all His works,
         In all places of His dominion.
         Bless the LORD, O my soul!


What speaks to me the most is that the psalmist (King David) commands the listener to Bless the Lord.  He doesn't demand the Lord to bless him.  It's so easy for me to slip into the feeling of "Why must I endure all of this Lord?".  When this happens, my attitude needs an major adjustment.  I should be facing these adversities with the point of view that life is hard, we all face adversities, but how can I make the best of the blessings I've been given.  How can I best bless God by serving others.


I tried to do this today and I am amazed at what a difference it made in my perspective of dealing with even the smallest issues like the attitudes of others.  


So...  I've decided that I will make a list of blessings just so I can see how WONDERFUL my life really is.


1.  My amazing sons.  We waited so long for them and I am so blessed to have full arms.  I am blessed to be able to hug them, love them, guide them, pray for them, laugh with them (and at them), play with them, take care of them.  God has blessed me with two AMAZING young men.  Praise God.


2.  My family.  God has blessed me with so many wonderful family members.  My bonus mom, Barbara, who is also a sister in Christ, my Aunt Maggie, my cousins especially Kelsey, Kayla, Amy, Jeannie and many more who have babysat and just been available to listen to me, my Aunt Dot and her children and so many more family members.  Praise God!


3.  My church family.  God has used my church fellowship in sooooo many ways to minister to me over the past year.  I can't even begin to list everyone, but there have been so many of you that have come along side me with prayer and support.  You've listened to me cry, complain and have helped me process this whole mess.  Physically, you've helped my by cleaning my house, helping me move, babysitting, carting my kids around for me, hooking up my cable, etc.  I just can't even tell you all they've done.  Praise God!


4.  My amazing friends.  God has blessed me with friends that in many ways feel more like family to me.  Again, you've helped me with sooo many things this past year, I can't even start to thank you all for what you've done.


5.  My job.  I am blessed to be able to go to work everyday and do something I LOVE!!!  I love working with pre and early teens.  This age group is so dynamic.  Thank you for letting me a part of your lives for a few brief years.  I also work with the most amazing group of people on this planet.  Praise God!



6.  For my God and Savior.  I am so blessed to have a God that loves me no matter what.  He knows all that I've done and loves me with an unconditional love.  He holds my hand, dries my tears, provides for my every need listens to my every prayer.  He knows my heart and yet, He still loves me. Praise God for his mercy and grace!!

So tonight, I sit here with tears in my eyes at how wonderful my life is.  I have had my fair share of trials this past year, but I am indeed truly blessed!!

What's a year??

This weekend, I celebrated my 41st birthday.  Here's what happened in my life between September 18, 2009 and September 18, 2010.

1.  My father was diagnosed with a malfunctioning aortic valve and had open heart surgery in Boston which the valve was replaced and triple by-pass was performed.  He was in the hospital at least 8 weeks.
2.  I had major stomach surgery.
3.  I lost 107 lbs
4.  My husband and I separated.
5.  My father passed a way.
6.  I was hospitalized for some weird intestinal virus.
7.  Danny was diagnosed with a sleep disorder

Not to mention that I'm teaching a JFDS full time, teaching a course at Husson and am a full time single mom.

Whew!!  No wonder I'm a little tired.  Making a list sort of puts it all into perspective.

Praying that this next year is a little less eventful.