Deep, Dark Places

Life is tough.   Really, really tough.  Sometimes the burdens of this life are too much too bear.  Today was one of those days.  I got told off by my husband's girlfriend/ ex-girlfriend/ advocate, whoever she is.  No one should have to go through that.  It's one thing for your husband to be unfaithful to you, take you to trial over your divorce, but to then have to be told off by his girlfriend and some of that being in front of your kids, well, that's enough to put anyone over the edge and it put me into a really dark place.   I've been fairly private about the circumstances regarding my divorce and there is sooo much more that I won't share, but considering they recently announced their relationship on Facebook, I don't feel too bad telling the world that my husband has/had a girlfriend (I think they've broken up again).   I'll spare you the rest of the gory details, however.

After getting told off by her, I went home and got the kids dinner.  I was backing out of the driveway  on my way to church, was slightly distracted and backed into my front porch.  Ouch!!  Put a nice dent in the van and moved my front porch/steps about 2 feet away from the house.  Lovely...  On top of the wonderful encounter with Judy (yes, her name is the same as mine, weird, huh?)  I went into a deep, dark place.  I cried and cried.  I couldn't hold it together.  I have been through a lot and usually don't get this upset, but it had been one heck of a day.  I went to church, put the kids in Sunday School and went over to the adult service.  I, again, couldn't hold it together.  If you saw me rush to the bathroom, it was to lock myself in a stall to cry.  I pulled it together and came out after a while and thank goodness a wonderful Christian sister noticed my emotional state and came to my rescue.  She took me out so we could talk and I could cry.  I didn't even tell her about the van or the porch.

Here is the amazing thing.  After talking and praying, I felt better, like 300% better.  God certainly comforts us when we need it.  We talked out the entire situation and I no longer feel as alone.  By the end of the church service, I felt so much better and then tonight, my boys blessed my socks off.  Joey took the Bible and read it to me.  He prayed for me because he knew I was sad and he kissed me gently on the forehead at bed time because he knew I needed it.  Danny did a dance and made me smile.  He rubbed my back when I laid down to cuddle with him and told me that he wanted to marry me.  I have the best boys in the world.

Just so you know, while I was totally blessed tonight, these are behaviors I've seen from my boys before.  I think what made tonight so special is that I was in a deep dark place with very little light.  However, when I did get a little light in through being at church and through my sweet sons, it illuminated my world.  When you're living in bright light all the time, you don't really notice when extra light is added, however, when you're in a dark place and a tiny ray of light is added, it can literally light up your world. Praise God for His light in my world through Jesus, the church and my boys.  I went from being in a deep, dark place to feeling like I am the most blessed woman on earth.  Praise God!

Count my Blessings

I haven't blogged in a while because my life has been crazy busy.  I am parenting two very busy boys, taking two grad classes and over the past few weeks, I've done a ton of photoshoots.  At the same time, I'm waiting for a court date for my divorce trial.  Yes, you heard me right, I have to go to a court trial to resolve my divorce.  Nothing in my life is ever easy.


So... lately, I've been feeling pretty down.  I miss my parents, I'm sad about the end of my marriage, I'm stressed at the busyness of my life...  I've been a Debbie Downer...


However, I was reading in the Bible the other day, I really started to study Psalm 103.  It speaks of the many, many ways that God blesses us. 


¹ Bless the LORD, O my soul;
         And all that is within me, bless His holy name!
 ² Bless the LORD, O my soul,
         And forget not all His benefits:
 ³ Who forgives all your iniquities,
         Who heals all your diseases,
 ⁴ Who redeems your life from destruction,
         Who crowns you with lovingkindness and tender mercies,
 ⁵ Who satisfies your mouth with good things,
         So that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.
 ⁶ The LORD executes righteousness
         And justice for all who are oppressed.
 ⁷ He made known His ways to Moses,
         His acts to the children of Israel.
 ⁸ The LORD is merciful and gracious,
         Slow to anger, and abounding in mercy.
 ⁹ He will not always strive with us,
         Nor will He keep His anger forever.
 ¹⁰ He has not dealt with us according to our sins,
         Nor punished us according to our iniquities.  
 ¹¹ For as the heavens are high above the earth,
         So great is His mercy toward those who fear Him;
 ¹² As far as the east is from the west,
         So far has He removed our transgressions from us.
 ¹³ As a father pities his children,
         So the LORD pities those who fear Him.
 ¹⁴ For He knows our frame;
         He remembers that we are dust.
 ¹⁵ As for man, his days are like grass;
         As a flower of the field, so he flourishes.
 ¹⁶ For the wind passes over it, and it is gone,
         And its place remembers it no more.^[a]
 17 But the mercy of the LORD is from everlasting to everlasting
         On those who fear Him,
         And His righteousness to children’s children,
 ¹⁸ To such as keep His covenant,
         And to those who remember His commandments to do them.
 ¹⁹ The LORD has established His throne in heaven,
         And His kingdom rules over all.
 ²⁰ Bless the LORD, you His angels,
         Who excel in strength, who do His word,
         Heeding the voice of His word.
 ²¹ Bless the LORD, all you His hosts,
         You ministers of His, who do His pleasure.
 ²² Bless the LORD, all His works,
         In all places of His dominion.
         Bless the LORD, O my soul!


What speaks to me the most is that the psalmist (King David) commands the listener to Bless the Lord.  He doesn't demand the Lord to bless him.  It's so easy for me to slip into the feeling of "Why must I endure all of this Lord?".  When this happens, my attitude needs an major adjustment.  I should be facing these adversities with the point of view that life is hard, we all face adversities, but how can I make the best of the blessings I've been given.  How can I best bless God by serving others.


I tried to do this today and I am amazed at what a difference it made in my perspective of dealing with even the smallest issues like the attitudes of others.  


So...  I've decided that I will make a list of blessings just so I can see how WONDERFUL my life really is.


1.  My amazing sons.  We waited so long for them and I am so blessed to have full arms.  I am blessed to be able to hug them, love them, guide them, pray for them, laugh with them (and at them), play with them, take care of them.  God has blessed me with two AMAZING young men.  Praise God.


2.  My family.  God has blessed me with so many wonderful family members.  My bonus mom, Barbara, who is also a sister in Christ, my Aunt Maggie, my cousins especially Kelsey, Kayla, Amy, Jeannie and many more who have babysat and just been available to listen to me, my Aunt Dot and her children and so many more family members.  Praise God!


3.  My church family.  God has used my church fellowship in sooooo many ways to minister to me over the past year.  I can't even begin to list everyone, but there have been so many of you that have come along side me with prayer and support.  You've listened to me cry, complain and have helped me process this whole mess.  Physically, you've helped my by cleaning my house, helping me move, babysitting, carting my kids around for me, hooking up my cable, etc.  I just can't even tell you all they've done.  Praise God!


4.  My amazing friends.  God has blessed me with friends that in many ways feel more like family to me.  Again, you've helped me with sooo many things this past year, I can't even start to thank you all for what you've done.


5.  My job.  I am blessed to be able to go to work everyday and do something I LOVE!!!  I love working with pre and early teens.  This age group is so dynamic.  Thank you for letting me a part of your lives for a few brief years.  I also work with the most amazing group of people on this planet.  Praise God!



6.  For my God and Savior.  I am so blessed to have a God that loves me no matter what.  He knows all that I've done and loves me with an unconditional love.  He holds my hand, dries my tears, provides for my every need listens to my every prayer.  He knows my heart and yet, He still loves me. Praise God for his mercy and grace!!

So tonight, I sit here with tears in my eyes at how wonderful my life is.  I have had my fair share of trials this past year, but I am indeed truly blessed!!

What's a year??

This weekend, I celebrated my 41st birthday.  Here's what happened in my life between September 18, 2009 and September 18, 2010.

1.  My father was diagnosed with a malfunctioning aortic valve and had open heart surgery in Boston which the valve was replaced and triple by-pass was performed.  He was in the hospital at least 8 weeks.
2.  I had major stomach surgery.
3.  I lost 107 lbs
4.  My husband and I separated.
5.  My father passed a way.
6.  I was hospitalized for some weird intestinal virus.
7.  Danny was diagnosed with a sleep disorder

Not to mention that I'm teaching a JFDS full time, teaching a course at Husson and am a full time single mom.

Whew!!  No wonder I'm a little tired.  Making a list sort of puts it all into perspective.

Praying that this next year is a little less eventful.

11:38 a.m.

I have had so much happen over the last year.  I can't even remember where I was or what I was doing on my birthday last year.  One thing I do know is that 11:38 a.m., my dad wished me a happy birthday.  This was a little secret between the two of us that no one else knew.  Every year at 11:38, the exact time I was born, I would receive a birthday wish from my dad.  Some years, like last year, it was simply a note saying "Happy Birthday!"  Usually he'd tell me how much he loved me and how proud he was of me.  I think he may have been in the hospital because it was a slip of paper last year in an envelope that said, "Open at 11:38 a.m. on Sept. 18."   Some years he did something zany (well zany for my dad) and he'd surprise me with balloons in my college music theory class.  Some years we just met for lunch.  Some years I'd get a phone call.  Some years, I'd get an email.

I don't think my mom even knew he did this.  This was our special secret.  For the first time in 41 years, I will not have my daddy wishing me happy birthday at 11:38 a.m.

So at 11:38 a.m. I will be thinking of him and thanking him for giving me the best birthday gift a girl could have...  A dad that made her feel like his little princess.

Hot Shower -- Fully Clothed

I really didn't know what to title this entry, but I had to share with you all what happened tonight because it was one of those true parenting moments that you and your children will never forget.  Let me just preface this by saying my children are amazing, but lately life has been really, really tough for them and they are in a lot of pain, especially Joey.  Danny is pretty laid back and takes things in stride and he is also pretty young.  Joey is my sensitive, emotional child.  Everything with him is drama.  He gets angry, sad, mad, passionate and frustrated very easily, but he also is needs an abundance of love and affection to feel secure.  He is the child that screams out "You hate me!" one minute and "I love you so much Mama" the next.  He truly wears his heart on his sleeve.  These traits will serve him well in the future, but right now it is just exhausting dealing with constant drama.  I have a feeling he would be dramatic even if he had a "normal" life, but for the last year, his life has been nothing but drama.  As much as I try to shield it from him, the reality is that his mom and dad are getting divorced and two of his grandparents that he loved dearly are no longer here with him.  That's a lot to bear at a very young age.

I have a tendency to lose my patience with him.  I am working very, very hard not to raise my voice or let my own frustrations and emotions come into the picture when I'm working with him on his attitude or behavior.  When you're a single parent, you can't just go out and take a walk when you're frustrated, although I have locked myself in the bathroom or hid in the basement a time or two.  Tonight, Joey had another angry spell where he gets mad and just spews venom.  I try to address this behavior the best I can, but it can be maddening as he knows how to push my every button.  Joey was in the shower and he needed help with his hair.  I know he's six, but it works best if I condition his hair.  I have a pretty heavy duty conditioner I use as his hair can get dry, but if it gets in his eyes, it hurts.  As I was trying to help him wash his hair, he kept moving away from me.  I tried to get closer to him but he moved away.  I noticed my shirt started to get wet and I said, "Joey, move back over here so I don't get wet."  He then said to me "That's what happens when you are mean to me." Now at this point, I don't have a clue what I've done to be mean to him except he wasn't happy he had to come home from a friends house at dinner time.  I knew he was just trying to push my buttons and I wasn't going to give in, so I said "NO, this is what happens when I love you."  At that point, I stepped into the shower fully clothed and hugged him.  He was shocked.  He said "Mama, your clothes are on," and I said "yes they are because you're upset, you need a hug and I love you, so I got in the shower."  He laughed and said, "you must REALLY love me."  I said, "yes I do!"  We then giggled and laughed at how silly I looked.  He started spraying me with the shower hose and we were cracking up.

At that point, Danny came up over the stairs and into the bathroom and said, "Hey guys, whatchya doin?"  We told him we were taking a shower and asked if he wanted to get in.  He did, but not before I made him take off his shoes.  Joey then asked if he could go get some clothes on, silly boy.  So I told him he could put the clothes on that he wore today.  When we were done, they asked if they could take their showers in their clothes every night.  We'll have to see about that.

I learned a valuable lesson today.  Sometimes people just need you to give them what they need no matter what it costs you either in convenience or materialistically.  I got soaked and had to go change into dry clothes.  It cost me about 10 extra minutes of my evening by the time I took the shower and had to go get dry clothes on and put my wet clothes in the wash, but what my boys, especially Joey gained from the experience was invaluable.  Joey found out one more time that I love him and am willing to do crazy things for him to prove my love.  I think he's more valuable than my physical comfort.  I know him well enough to know when he needs a hug and last, his mom is fun and has a sense of humor.

The rest of the night went smoothly.  No major dramas and both boys went right to sleep.  I know that I was a little silly tonight, but I know someday Joey will tell his kids about when he was 6 and his mom got in the shower fully dressed with him.  He'll tell them that I was a little crazy, but I loved him so much I was willing to take a hot shower fully clothed just so he could have a hug on a hard day.  That's how much his mom loved him and someday hopefully he'll remember to show his kids that same type of love.

Ahoy there Mateys!!

In attempting to create new adventures for my boys, we spent Saturday morning surviving a tropical storm and then we became pirates.  We woke up on Saturday morning and it was POURING out.  Tropical Storm Earl was making it's way through our fair state.  We haven't had much rain over the last few weeks, so the soaking rain that we received was a blessing.  I stayed in bed, well, as in bed as a single mom can.  I still had to get up to use the restroom, make breakfast for my boys, assist them with getting set up to entertain themselves so I could work and then settle periodic disputes, but I still mostly stayed in bed and got a lot of work done for my classes.

Around noon it started to clear and we decided to head down to Camden to the 2010 Windjammer Festival.    Unfortunately, they had to postpone the festival because of the tropical storm, but we were still able to walk around Camden and to tour the Schooners.  They loved climbing aboard the ships and pretending they were pirates.  I think only certain vessels were for touring, but if there were people aboard the ship, my boys asked if they could get on board.  Most people were very nice.  There was one family that was having a party and Danny went right up to them and said, "Hey guys, how do you steer this boat."  The owner brought him right on board and showed him where the wheel was.  Danny then asked if we could go for a ride and they told us to come back on Sunday and they would take us out.  Unfortunately, we already had plans for Sunday, but their kindness was overwhelming.  It's nice to know that there are still wonderful people out there.

We then roamed around Camden village.   There were pirates and patriots patrolling the streets.  The boys were fascinated by their swords and guns (they're boys).   After our long day, we headed home.  The car ride home was most challenging as the boys were tired and were arguing.  I never had a sibling growing up, so I didn't get to experience the joys of riding in a car while you fought with your brother or sister.  I can't say that car rides are my most favorite part of parenting.  As a matter of fact, I need to learn new strategies of discipline in the car.  By the time they were having a water fight in the back seat, I had just about lost my patience.  I pulled the car over, got grumpy,  moved Joey to the very back of the van and then we continued on our way.

My boys have been together and with me pretty much 24/7 all summer long.  It is much better for our relationship when we are in school/work as we have a little apart time.  As much as we all love each other, it can be very, very tiring to be together so much.  I think that it's good to remind the boys frequently that the purpose of being a family is to lift one another up, not drag each other down.  When that type of thing happens, one of the solutions is to spend some time apart evaluating ourselves.  What can we do to put ourselves back in a better place so we can help each other.  Alone time is not a bad thing, but we are not to isolate ourselves, either.

On Sunday, I made them each choose an activity and spend some time alone.  Joey rode his bike and Danny played trucks in his bedroom.  As I'm typing this, they are in the living room nicely playing together.  Sometimes my schemes do work.  I'm praying that we have a good day today.  I'm thinking we might go on another adventure.  I'm excited for what today holds for us.  Praising God for His work in my life and in the lives of my boys.

Poop Trucks and Potty Talk

Today was my official last day to play with my boys.  Tomorrow I have some things to finish up in my room and need to go to the university to get my books and my classes straightened out.  It was in the upper 80's here, warm and humid and my cousin Sally had invited the boys and me to visit her at our family camp on Sebec Lake, so I packed up some food, some bathing suits and the boys and we headed out to camp.

When we got to camp, Sally mentioned that the septic system was overflowing and she had to call the septic service people to come pump the tank and help us figure out what was wrong with the system.  As we pulled into the driveway, you could smell the raw sewage.  What a lovely odor!  Not exactly the pines, cedars and wildflowers I'm used to smelling as we pull into the camp driveway.  The boys immediately identified the odor and instead of being repulsed by it, they were fascinated as to the the whereabouts of the source of the stench.  We got out of the car and they went to the side of the camp with Sally's husband Rick to investigate the hole that had been dug to reveal the overflowing septic system.  "Ewww!!" was the thought in my head.  "Cool!!!!" was what the boys were thinking.  Danny asked me what it was and I told him that it was the hole where our poop and pee went after we flushed it from the camp.  Danny then took one look at it and said,  "Mama, I really have to go.  Can I just pee right into the hole?"  I should have let him do it, but the thought of it...  I made him go in the woods behind a tree.  Not really much better, but it just seemed, well, cleanlier to me.

We got unpacked and got into our bathing suits and waited for the Honey Truck, a.k.a. the Poop Truck to pull into the driveway.  After a few hours in came the HUGE truck from the Septic Service.  I wish I could remember the logo on the side of the truck but it was something like "Can't flush...We will rush."  Out jumped the driver/poop technician who happened to share the name of my youngest son, Danny.  Danny was a very personable man, but incredibly desensitized to the environmental conditions of his job.  With his bare hands, he popped the line off his truck and plunged it into our tank.  Within a matter of seconds the already overwhelming odor was, well, pungent and powerful.  Sally and I were both very grateful that we had not eaten lunch yet.  The boys, Rick included, were fascinate.  Danny looked at me and said "I'm so glad we came here.  Poop and  big truck.  Life is great."

We watched as the elder Danny pumped our septic system out and then helped Rick identify the possible problems.   Every few minutes, we had to go back and check on the poop problem.   The issue is not solved yet, but will be in a few days.

Okay, I don't know what it is with boys and potty talk.  The septic system experience seemed to create an atmosphere conducive to potty talk for the rest of the day.  Tooting, farting, pooping and peeing became an even more popular topic of discussion than normal in our home.  As we were sitting beside the lake, Sally told a story of a friend's two year old who went into a posh restaurant and was running around calling himself "Captain Poopy Pants".  Guess what Joey declared as his superhero name for the rest of the day.  I just pray he will forget about it by the time he goes to school on Wednesday.  Joey also decided to quote from an episode of SpongeBob.  It goes like this, "If you want to make a crabby-patty, you must first understand the word POOP.  People Order Our Patties."  The conversations went on like this for several hours.

For the rest of the day, the three men of the family continued to discuss the poop issues, had a fair amount of potty talk, went fishing, built a campfire and did some "guy" things.  It was so good to see my boys being boys, enjoying life, grunting, farting (sorry Sally), burping, grilling meet over an open flame and just loving life.  I can't say that potty talk and fishing are my favorite activities, but in the car on the ride home, my boys could not stop talking about their day.  Some days, like today, I wonder why God gave me boys.  It probably will take me a while to figure that one out, but each day, I praise God for my rough, tumble, potty talking young boys.  I'm praying that I can give them the opportunities to have adventures like today and at the same time help them to turn into polite gentlemen one day.  Please pray for God to give me wisdom as to how to best raise my boys to be polite, respectful men.

Thank you Rick and Sally for having us up and for creating an exciting and adventurous day for us on our last official day of summer vacation.